I thought it would be really funny to name my dog Tardigrade and call him Tard for short and then when someone glared at me for being so insensitive and offensive I would be like, “It’s short for Tardigrade. What did you think it was short for?” and watch them twist.
I present to you Le Coop Du Jour. Like soup du jour but with a coop. That’s French for coop of the day because they use it during the day. And coop rhymes with soup. Get it?
I woke up around midnight to MSNBC and I seriously could not tell if I was watching satire or actual news, it was simply that crazy.
If you were wondering if my two-week absence was due to alcohol poisoning or being in a 30-day rehab, you would be wrong.
I also thought that Radish’s passing would be a good opportunity to get an honest feel for how my neighbors actually felt about his incessant crowing.
This morning I saw my neighbor getting into her car and I thanked her for the cup of coffee she left for me after I used my snowblower to clear her sidewalk. She replied (yelling from across the street), “And thank YOU for the blowjob.” Did I mention she’s retired pediatric nurse practitioner and educator […]
After taking one fall and experiencing zero pain, I realized that the mountain was my bitch.
A Bat Mitzvah was the perfect thing for me to do on NYE and still be able to be in bed and/or drunk posting by 9:00.
I had the most remarkable conversation with Scratchy. I’ve never seen a kid as brave as him. He told me all the things he was scared of, all the fears, anxieties and worries that CENTER AROUND FEAR OF DISPLEASING ME. Oh god.
The final analysis on Pajama Jeans? I give them a thumbs up as long as you cover the waist with a top. They actually look great with a shirt over them as they lie very flat. They’d be better with an elastic waist but maybe I could grow an ass to hold them up.