Tempt Asian

I told her to abandon her feminist ideals about accurately portraying the female form and make me skinnier with bigger tits.

First Week of Summer: Bolder Boulder, Baby Goats, Not Dead Animals, Foxes, Hiking, and Bald Chiweenies

I mean, OF COURSE I have a half naked dog with a mysterious skin condition. It seems like being high maintenance and weird is a requiremnt of being close to me.

Not A Hugger

I don’t like hugging. Well, it’s not that I don’t like it but I just don’t feel comfortable doing it … unless I am hugging a person that I know hates hugging more than I do then I hug them extra hard and long because then it turns into an act of aggression which is much more up my alley.

#FTW

Last night Itchy and I were talking about something and I said FTW and he was like, do you know what that means? Of course I do! It means For The Win, duh and he was like, no mom, it means that other word that starts with F … the World. FUCK THE WORLD? Oh shit. […]

Tactical Pooper

I hope one day he will become a writer. Not because I think being a writer makes you special or worthy, but because I really like what he has to say and the way he says it.

Incident at Trader Joe’s

Someone would come to the door and he’d let it swing open slowly and say, “Sure is dark on that porch. Ain’t you afraid of getting jumped?” Then when the person stuttered a reply, “Speak up boy! What the hell is wrong with you? Ain’t you never seen a black man before?”

Cat Balls, Lint Balls and Heart Shaped Bums

I thought it would be really funny to name my dog Tardigrade and call him Tard for short and then when someone glared at me for being so insensitive and offensive I would be like, “It’s short for Tardigrade. What did you think it was short for?” and watch them twist.

Last Drunk Post of the Year

A Bat Mitzvah was the perfect thing for me to do on NYE and still be able to be in bed and/or drunk posting by 9:00.