Incident at Trader Joe’s


Someone would come to the door and he’d let it swing open slowly and say, “Sure is dark on that porch. Ain’t you afraid of getting jumped?” Then when the person stuttered a reply, “Speak up boy! What the hell is wrong with you? Ain’t you never seen a black man before?”

Cat Balls, Lint Balls and Heart Shaped Bums


I thought it would be really funny to name my dog Tardigrade and call him Tard for short and then when someone glared at me for being so insensitive and offensive I would be like, “It’s short for Tardigrade. What did you think it was short for?” and watch them twist.

Things That Make Me Feel Better


Recently I had coffee with a friend who is in a difficult place. After an hour or so she said she was tired and wanted to take a nap, at 10am. I told her that she should go for a hike, take a real shower and not the BS “mom shower” that lasts 90 seconds, put […]

Mental Health Check


I don’t want to be person who is on anti-depressants her whole life but when I go off of them I am overwhelmed with negative thinking. I see the connections between those thoughts and the lonely life my mother leads. I hear her voice in my head criticizing everyone around me, convincing me that I don’t belong, that I am different, that I am better off without them.

I Might Have A Concussion


I’m just as likely to be feeling ill due to stress, over exertion, poor sleep and being old. But frankly, having Zika just sounds more exotic than being old and I can leverage something out of Loony if I pin it on him.

Dirty Old Lady


I’ve been racking my brain for the female equivalent for dirty old man and all I can come up with is cougar. Well there’s a pleasant surprise. For once the female term is a shade less derogatory than the male term. You know, like the only male word for slut is stud, which has positive connotations. Yes, cougars […]

I’m Freezing My Fat Off With Zeltiq Coolsculpting


It has in fact been quite cold but when I said I’m freezing my fat off, I don’t mean this: I actually mean this: Why am I doing this? For one, I already exercise two hours a day (30 minutes stair machine set on suicide, 30 minutes pull-ups, pushups, crunches – and not the girl kind, […]