Costco Run

Just when I was feeling like an inferior parent because she was actually paying attention to the crap they were talking about, she offered $1 to anyone willing to eat a jalapeño.

Empty Nest Syndrome

I have some misgivings about sharing this next part because it might just cross a line but that just means I absolutely must share it. Come what may.

Mediterranean Cruise

I told the boys to prepare themselves for luxury. There will be blankets, pillows, free drinks, movies, and lots of food that doesn’t come from my backpack. 

Not Dead Yet

Blue will live another day! As I told Helene, he could either drop dead today or live another three years, he’s mystifying that way. I really appreciated her and all my other friends checking up on how my stupid dog is.

Holiday Trifecta

I found these two memes on the internet. Together they reflect the highs and lows of motherhood, especially when you look at the context which is always, and forever, humor.

Taxiderpy

No one can talk behind my back all like, “Did you know that Vivienne went to a crazy sex thing?” like it’s juicy gossip. It’ll be more like, “Duh, she totally blogged about it.”

Force Feeding and DJ Sets

Between courses we stretched, did handstands, crunches, and I tried to teach everyone how to make their butts and boobs bounce, which I happen to be very good at.

Cat Balls, Lint Balls and Heart Shaped Bums

I thought it would be really funny to name my dog Tardigrade and call him Tard for short and then when someone glared at me for being so insensitive and offensive I would be like, “It’s short for Tardigrade. What did you think it was short for?” and watch them twist.

Does This Rabbit Make Me Look Fat?

This would be the answer to my giant fuzzy-mammal-belly-quest if it weren’t for the fact that rabbits are not cats which in and of itself isn’t a problem except that most rabbits are snootier than cats.

Exploding Toilets and Narrowly Averted Disasters

The toilet is a metaphor for my life right now, if you leave out the implied negativity that comes with toilet metaphors.