No Existential Dread

It’s finally snowing after a long dry spell. I don’t relish driving in the snow but those fires this summer …

I am having a quiet morning in Fort Collins. My sweetheart didn’t sleep well and it’s slippery and cold out so I get to hang out in my robe and write. Two of my favorite things.

Last night his housemate made latkes and applesauce for Hanukkah.

Fried potatoes and sour cream for dinner? Please and thank you.

The rest of the night was low-key. We watched The Nest which is, FYI, not a thriller. It was interesting in that it was well acted, methodical, and not an action film or rom-com, but it was a bummer. As if I need to watch other people’s lives fall apart … for entertainment.

I do love Jude Law

I’ve been having so many dreams lately. I don’t know why they are so prevalent these days, but I like to think of it is astral projection. My mind is traveling when my body can’t.

Did I have crazy and intricate dreams last night? Yep. But they weren’t interesting enough to write about.

Maybe it’s my relief stemming from the election bullshit finally calming down is giving my mind some room to play. God, was that even a real sentence? Whatever. No one reads this shit anyway.

Can we please be done now?

I have been seeing more of Tabby lately. My life, though busier, seems to have more space in it.

We managed to get a walk in before the weather arrived. Chief found a stick. I like how tall Tabby looks. She is tall, I think six feet. I love that about her.

I took Bartleby for a hike with Chief. It was an extremely strenuous ordeal for him.

He’s good at hitching rides.

We ran into this saucy little minx on a walk the other day. Micah scored, big time.

He likely could have gone for the belly but I had Chief on leash which made the cat a little skittish. But not much. She was ready to fight him.

I’ve had a somewhat renewed interest in cooking. I love eggplant and saw this recipe …

I didn’t use this recipe, but I made my own version, accompanied by a Greek salad and tahdig.

Needed pomegranate

Last night I was looking over my sweetheart’s shoulder as he scrolled Instagram. His feed is, like, 98% hot woman in almost no clothes. Now we have many of those people in common because we know them in real life, but there was a part of me that felt a little insecure. So I decided to fight fire with fire. I posted these selfies so instead of seeing dogs on my feed, he saw these …

That’s not a zit on my ass, it’s the incision from where I have my hormones implanted. As if that’s what you are looking at. Also, let’s hear it for good angles.

I got the Spotify end-of-year recap. It wasn’t a surprise.

Tokimonsta’s Realla was my favorite song of last year, I doubt it will lose many points this coming year. I love it and her. I can’t wait to see her in concert again.

Also, how beautiful is Anderson Paak? Good lord.

One of my distant cousins … let’s see, my father’s cousin’s son … wrote a book. He’s a young man, I don’t know him well, but I saw on social that he published a book. I bought a copy to show him some support. I’d like to think that if one of my kids wrote a book, their relatives would show up for them. I’ll be reviewing it on Amazon after I’m done, I’m really happy for him and impressed at his accomplishment.

By Jake Shuford

And speaking of accomplishments …

Georgetown Law, no less

He was eleven when we met, Micah was a newborn. I loved Perry from the day we met and I’m in awe of what a wonderful job his mother did of raising him – largely on her own – and the beautiful relationship they have. My boys worship him.

Would I mind if my kids turned out like him? Not at all.

There is a lot of grief in the air right now, both personally an internationally. 3500 people are dying a day from Covid-19. It makes sense that people must compartmentalize how we feel about this grim fact. It is almost too much to comprehend, the lives shattered literally every three seconds. I found this helpful.

I am loving all the wisdom out there, and how easy it is to have it delivered. I’m a big fan of Ester Perel. I’ve read her books and heard her interviewed many times, she does not bullshit anyone about the human condition.

I text stuff to my kids all the time that I think they will enjoy. Micah is into bears, his first stuffy was DeeDa, given to him by Perry’s mother, incidentally. It’s a bear in a bunny suit.

Casey had Bubu, the hippo.

Dressed as Bubu with Bubu in a carrier. Expert level momming on display.

Just incase you think Casey got preferential treatment that Halloween …

Deedah is a bear in a bunny suit, BTW

Anyway, I saw this hippo stuff and had to send them to him …

In looking for pictures of my boys and their lovies, I came across a photo of Casey and Julian, MPT’s son, so I sent it to her.

This is a slow news day post. No existential dread or manic euphoria, just a wintery catch up, I hope you are all well.

10 thoughts on “No Existential Dread

  1. Hi! I read this shit! 🙂 I should write you each time, but I don’t because, really, who needs input. But here’s what I would write: “I love reading your blog because I can see what a lovely life you are making for yourself and those around you! You’re beautiful, and you do exciting things and you have great taste! You’re a great Mom and you make really good decisions (like when you visited Marcia that was so good!). You help me remember that there’s so much beauty and love and fun in the world. So thanks!”

    • Hi Kathy, I know you read my shit and I really appreciate it. Sometimes it feels odd to put my ramblings down, as if they are of that much importance. I am but a tiny drop in a vast vast ocean of water. Thank you for hyping me up, I need it every now and then, we all do.

      • “I guess we focus on the process while they are alive, once that distraction is gone then all we have to focus on is the loss.” Such wise words. Thank you my friend.

  2. I read what you write. You write so beautifully how could I resist. I got home from CA the day this was posted. Perfect timing reading about how the pain of losing a loved one will diminish. Mom joined dad in heaven on Dec 6th. I am happy for her to be out of pain and not to wake up with horrible scary nightmares. I know dad is thrilled. He has been waiting for her for 5 yrs. Staying with CJ was great because she is so positive and knows what a relief it is for mom. Packing up and getting ready to sell the house my parents bought in 1973 had it’s rough spots. I am doing pretty well but then it’s the little things….It was so strange not to call mom and tell her I made it home. I have been doing that for 39 yrs. I am back in self-quarantine mode for a couple of weeks. Basil loves being able to drive my car and I love going on my beach walks. I love being home with my puppies. Since I haven’t been working they are used to hanging out with their momma all day. I decorated our Christmas tree yesterday. It takes awhile because I have to decide what of the 500 ornament+ I will put on. You know I don’t like anything simple(plain)the Christmas tree is packed. Just how I like it!

    • I don’t know what to say. Being deep in Marcia’s death process, I cannot say I will be “sorry” when she passes. I watch her descend into a place she spent the entirety of our 37 years vowing she would never go. She changed course at the last moment, even though she wrote in a legal document that she should not be allowed to, even if she says she wants to. It’s a conundrum, but one that we must all just go along with. If she wants to die slowly now, it is her choice to make.

      I am glad your family is released from this process and that you found such solace with your siblings. I’m glad that the hard parts are over, although the little things (like not calling her when you get home) will ache forever. Enjoy being home, enjoy not having to go through the cycle of quarantining and travel. I am happy you are home and with Basil. I love your relationship, you two are such a solid couple and i think of you often when trying to figure out what to do.

      I hope to do a trip to the PNW sometime with my boys and would love to introduce you to them.

  3. Thank you for your kind words. As far as Marcia’s choice to make….mom was done. So she made her choice. Which was great for her because she liked being in control. The thing is….there is a big difference b/w having a “parent” dying and then having them actually be dead. You wouldn’t think so, but it has been my experience, hopefully it won’t be yours. I saw part of your instagram with Marcia, it was too close to home to watch the whole thing. My heart aches for you. There will be such a sense of relief when she finally passes and isn’t suffering anymore. Although there will be that relief and happiness for her, you will have to learn to adjust your life with her not in it. That is the hardest part for me. BTW I would love to meet your boys. Either you guys come to WA or I’ll go there. A very good friend and past roommate that I had in Boulder, just bought a place in Boulder. The last time I was in CO was the last time I saw you……before Lonnie….20 yrs?

    • Yes, I fear you are right about the difference in realities. A friend lost her sister to a very long and painful battle with addiction, her end was inevitable. We all thought that her passing would be a release from the pain and suffering, that things would be easier, no one was prepared for how profound her loss would be. I guess we focus on the process while they are alive, once that distraction is gone then all we have to focus on is the loss. I am so sorry for yours.

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