Before going to bed BF asked me if I wanted to go to Santa Fe with him. He is friends with a couple who are world class tango instructors and performers and wants to introduce me to them. I would love a change of scenery and a little NRE. I haven’t been to Santa Fe since I was 21 and I don’t recall liking it much, but I was broke and traveling with an equally broke boyfriend. Travel companions can make or break a trip. I’m in.
I think it’s why my dream started out the way it did. I was at BF’s house and he said he had a friend visiting. A man came swooping in and proceeded to dance up the walls and do all kinds of crazy flying moves. Then he danced with me, twirling me around and doing impossible moves. I was nervous because I didn’t know what was expected of me or how to follow. I even fell once. Then it devolved into a homeowner water damage anxiety dream, but I recall leaping to action when I saw water running off the counter and BF was grateful to me for noticing it and being quick to do something.
Then we were at a department store. He was looking at things and I noticed a young man, he had acne on his face. For some reason I was attracted to him, not necessarily sexually but just in a very basic sense, I just wanted to be near him. I think subconsciously he reminded me of my son. I kept standing near him, my hand sweeping across his back. He looked at me like, did you really just do that?
I walked home with him to a big walk-up apartment, he became a woman. She lived with lots of people and cats. She opened her door and at least six cats paraded in, including one of those Munchkin cats. They weren’t in great shape, though. Their fur was poorly kept and their eyes were runny. I noticed that there was fresh urine all over the carpet.
She introduced me to her housemates, we sat around a large table and talked about things in common, including a pair of earrings I saw sitting on the table.
“I know where these are from!” and I described a neighborhood in New York City with a small college and a convent school. Everyone was very excited because the woman (who had been the boy) said she had worked there. It was one of those electric conversations where everyone is clicking.
She said, “Isn’t it great how much we have in common? You even like Scotch!”
I stayed quiet about the Scotch because I wasn’t (and am not currently) drinking Scotch or anything else. My stomach just can’t take it right now. I’m also really not into meat. Last night I ate a potato, squash, and broccoli for dinner and was happy as could be about it.
What is my subconscious telling me? That I miss my female friends so much, that I need to make new connections if I want to be healthy and happy. A friend of mine from back in the pole days is actually meeting me in FOCO today (Hi Maya!). We are going to sit outside and catch up, it’s been too long.
I even considered reactivating my Bumble account to meet a BFF in FOCO. It’s a cool function to the dating app. I got on Bumble a year ago with the idea that I’d try to meet more women friends that way, I got distracted when I connected with BF and then I shut everything down to focus on him. I think it’s time to put effort into rebuilding my personal life. I can’t rely on my boyfriend and my children to be my sole sources of friendship.
My boys will grow and eventually move onto their own relationships. BF has his crew of longtime male friends that do things with him like fish and ski. I don’t have that. My friendships have dissipated due to COVID and life. People are moving, having babies, focusing on their own insular pandemic worlds. It’s not personal, but I need to be proactive about nurturing the side of me that needs and loves other people.