Yesterday was not a good day. I thought that being able smell new things would be good for my appetite, but it had the opposite effect. I made chicken thighs in a ginger, honey, soy marinade with rice and bok choy but the smell of it completely turned me off. Add to it some bullshit with Lonny and I found myself completely unable to eat dinner. Not one bite.
And while salt is one of the flavors I can taste, everything is way too salty for me. Micah is having a similar experience. I made turkey sandwiches with pickles for us and all we really could taste were the salty pickles. Ditto with the everything bagels we had for breakfast. All we tasted was the salt.
Maybe it is the lack of sufficient calories or negative psychological effects of COVID, but I was a wreck. I was actually concerned that I was going to have a complete melt-down. I took a lorazepam because I felt like a panic attack was in the offing. I lay down on the couch after dinner and read some of my book (The Dovekeepers by Alice Hoffman) and fell asleep while BF worked through a giant stack of mail.
He woke me up around 10:30 to go to bed, and I fell asleep quickly. Then sometime in the middle of the night I woke up. I don’t know what did it, I wasn’t uncomfortable or in pain, but I was absolutely terrified. I woke BF up to talk to him but I couldn’t articulate what was bothering me and he couldn’t help. All I knew was that I felt nothing but fear. Fear so terrible that I was afraid to close my eyes.
This didn’t come on the heals of a bad dream, there was nothing in my head that was scaring me, it was just a feeling of being very unsafe. I don’t know how I managed to get back to sleep, I think I counted my breaths.
I woke up in the morning with the memory clear in my head. I drove to Boulder first thing because I missed my boys so much. I was so happy to see them and to hug Micah; I can’t hug Casey yet. We lay down on his little bed together and the next thing I knew I had been asleep for an hour. My ass is still getting kicked.
I freshened his cooler and snacks, swept up a bit, unclogged his toilet, and hunted down Kitsy to keep him company. Then I spent some time on the porch with Casey and wrapped up our taxes for the year. This will be the last time I file jointly with Lonny, thank god.
My body hurts a little but otherwise I feel fine. I’m just super tired but who knows what is causing that, I just can’t wait for this to be over. The good news is that Lauren took a second COVID test which came back negative. Marcia has been tested and we are waiting on her tests, but Lauren had way more contact with me so I’m hopeful.