Seize the Day

I’m sitting in my bedroom. Well, the guest room at The Bachelor Colony, because it’s cold and dark everywhere else. Outside, inside, everywhere.

But it’s temporary – this cold – and if it meant that the terrible fires in Colorado would be put out, I’d gladly have winter start today. For real. But it’s not up to me and autumn weather will be back in a jiff. The big question is whether the leaves have survived the cold enough to reward us with fall colors.

It’s hard to believe that just a couple days ago it was 98 degrees. A friend reserved a picnic shelter at my favorite park and a few families got together. Now more than ever it feels like an imperative to make sure we wring out every moment of this waning summer.

The water in the St. Vrain was too low for inner tubing but it took the edge off the heat.

My kids are the ones trying to drown each other

I drove to Grand Junction to see Marcia and Lauren. Unfortunately most of the trip was spent dealing with a series of misunderstandings that I wasn’t involved in but still felt very invested in dealing with. It’s hard times there. Marcia isn’t operating at 100% and can’t be as involved as she would normally be, and her husband is exhausted, sad, likely terrified, overwhelmed and not communicating his needs very well.

This is a terrible photo, Marcia looks checked out, but she wasn’t. Also pictured is Jim, her youngest son.

It was a tiring trip. I hit the road at 5am both ways to avoid traffic, well worth it given that my sweetheart made the drive to Aspen this weekend and it took him 7-8 hours to do a five-hour drive. I made it in four.

Last night the weather set in an this is the new landscape.

I try to find happiness in small places and things. The thing that has delighted me most in that way is this brand of eggs …

I picked them up on Manager’s Special months ago and was delighted to find they had the brightest, most orange yolks.

Something about cutting into that egg, revealing the glistening orange yolk, made me happy beyond words, like I was seeing something magical and special. When I returned to buy them again, I found them to be $9 a dozen, too much for me, but I always check the Manager’s Special bin just in case.

But the other day as I was doing my usual reconnoitering, I noticed they were gone! Like, perhaps discontinued. I told Casey that I wanted a carton for my birthday so I was holding out for my special day. But then I realized that I may have missed my opportunity forever. I vowed to buy them if I ever saw them again, which I did yesterday.

A little overcooked

Carpe diem, people. Don’t save those eggs for a rainy day.

I was inundated with thoughts while walking alone the other day, I should have raced home to record them as moments of that introspection seem few and far between these days. Alas, they are gone.

But I have been thinking a lot about relationship dynamics. Not so much my dynamic with my sweetheart, but my dynamic with anyone. I think being with Marcia and Lauren, where I saw childhood wounds open up before me and all the pain and trauma was relived like it was fresh; it made me think about my own history and the present that it has created. I don’t want to approach this as a victim, we all have our pasts to contend with, rather as good information that will create a path forward.

I recognize that first category, it resonates with me. I don’t want that for myself or my sweetheart. I want a healthy relationship with him which means having a healthy relationship with myself. For lots of reasons I have lived a life where I felt I must be in service to others, to rely on the the validation and approval of those in my life. Boundaries were never allowed and fear took over.

Marcia is one of the most accomplished women I know yet I see how downright averse she is to asking for what she wants. She calls it being peaceful, but what she is doing is squelching her needs and seeing if there is a way she can meet them on the sly without having to put herself out there. I do the exact same thing for fear of being shamed for daring to make a request.

I subscribe to newsletters and feeds that remind me to speak up, set boundaries, use my voice, and say no.

I still don’t know what being there for myself looks like but that’s my goal.

I love this artist. Her work is sensual and Klimpt like, but that’s not what I like about it. I love the way she portrays the male/female relationship. I see a depiction of strong men who protect women. The men have large, strong hands and the women, while smaller, are direct in their gaze and complete in their abandon. It’s catnip to me.

Also catnip, these images of cat faces on other animals. I die.

I saw these baby rabbit photos and sent them to Casey because he is the Bunny King.

I’ll leave you with some shit I found on the internet.

I think this weather has me maudlin. Also short-timer syndrome.

My tenants decided to buy a house so they are leaving at the end of September. I’m relieved. When I agreed to rent to them, I had no idea how Airbnb would be doing. At the time we were getting cancellations left and right. Now it seems that business is good and I can make just as much renting my house for half the month on a short-term basis as I made doing it long-term. Plus I have the use of my home the other half. It was my original plan.

When I told the boys they both expressed happiness that I would have my space back, they missed my home. I was surprised to hear this, thinking they preferred having me in-home.

I look forward to being in my space where the sun streams in, where I can flick the thermostat and have heat pour into the room, where I can look into my pantry without feeling dispirited, and have some say over my environment. I’ve been a houseguest for coming on four months now, I want my home back.

Did I ever show you the video I made of my house?

I feel disconnected from that space, like, is that even mine? I think it will be really good for me to be there and get some sense of self back.

I’m going to put on a jacket and take Chief for a walk, weather be damned.

4 thoughts on “Seize the Day

  1. I love your house and am so glad you’re going back there! Your pictures of Boulder, and especially the snow make me so homesick. After 3 months of 100+ degree weather in Tucson, I’ve been thinking about the coziness of cold, and just wishing for weather that calls for a sweater or a hoodie. That won’t happen until November, so I’ll live vicariously through your posts. 🙂 Enjoy!

    • Well, I was right there with you and the heat fatigue, it’s been so hot, dry and smoky. I don’t think I could ever live In Arizona or New Mexico, Colorado is arid enough. I find it interesting and bemusing hat you enjoy living vicariously through my posts, especially these days when divorce and heartbreak are on the menu. But new love and adventure is also out front, as is starting over. So I get it. I suppose I can relate, I look on with excitement and interest at my friends in the throes of pregnancy and raising babies. I’m happy to share my journey with you and your curiosity reminds me that I am, while often uncomfortable, living life to the fullest. Thanks for reading and commenting, I value your friendship.

  2. I love that you are living life to the fullest even though uncomfortable at times.That is very brave. I am excited for you to be back in your house. I bet you will be used to it in a few hours. It looks so calm and peaceful. Your BF’s house is lovely, loving the plants inside. You mentioned about Marcia not asking for what she wants. When you ask for something you have to be prepared for the person to say,”No”. Many people don’t want to hear this so the don’t ask. My hubby likes to do things on his own and if he asks someone, it is someone that would do anything for him. His mom was like that, his dad not even close. I tell Basil he would do anything for anybody so why isn’t he allowing his friends to return the favor. It makes them feel good. It is difficult to see your parents starting to decline, and Marcia has always been a best friend/mother figure. Basil and I have had a good friend, Ryan(Rye-Rye)for 21 yrs. He was 13 and we were 38 & 39yrs. When you have a big age difference, the younger ones notice the changes. Basil was just mentioning his friend Dennis, who is 85yrs old. Basil is noticing his friend’s short term memory is starting to go. But how lucky we are to have friends of all ages. Basil is helping a friend write a script. She is 19yrs old and very sweet and innocent. She thinks 60 yrs old is really old and figures Basil only has a few more years

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