Night Drive

I popped onto Instagram because I miss some of my international friends, it’s such an easy way to see what’s going on with them. While it was comforting to see them on the feed, I felt wary of it, like an alcoholic contemplating a glass of wine. I didn’t post.

I look at how often I’ve been posting on my blog lately and that feels good, like I’m creating something I will be able to reflect back on later. But I did see these adorable pictures online and felt compelled to send them to Casey, whose favorite animal is the hippo.

It seems like the air is clearing up, at least it was yesterday morning when I walked early with Chief.

The Flatirons were clear

I didn’t feel choked by the air, or maybe I’m just used to it. I walked by the community gardens and saw this family of deer.

Across from the community garden is a private garden. Pictures don’t do justice to what the homeowners have done with their yard, it is planted full of neat rows of vegetables. Earlier in the summer I saw an entire swath planted with the same plants, I didn’t understand it, until now …

Beautiful zinnias abound

I hope I run into them one morning so I can wax rhapsodic about their magnificent gardening skills.

Here’s another gardener who I can wax rhapsodic about …

He is possessed with gardening. He will finish his “last” project of the season only to start a new one that very day. I have watched him transform his property in one single season. He’s created lovely spaces for me to be in.

This is one of my favorites but I actually love them all

It’s a relief to have both a physical and emotional space to retreat to during these strange days of so much unrest and upheaval.

Just can’t figure out why …

We are doing really well, it’s like we turned a corner recently. We decided to face our challenges head on together, and that feels amazing. I have so much unfinished business, so many unhealed wounds from my past that date back to my childhood. We all do and lately I am seeing how much they affect my present.

I’m with someone who just wants to love me and to be let in and I see how I shut down when I get frightened or insecure, rather than communicating in a loving and open way. I bleed on him. I’m so glad he wants to go there with me and heal together. He is tending to our garden.

I feel fall coming, there is snow expected next week! I want to embrace the change in season and myself.

I see all the people who have created these amazing careers and vocations for themselves doing what they love. Why can’t I figure out what that is for me?

This woman made a life for herself by saving neonatal kittens. Crazy, right?

The person I am today saw a really nice pot for plants sitting on the sidewalk with a “free” sign on it.

It’s cool, no?

Since it was getting dark and I was only beginning my walk, I stashed it under a bush so I could circle back and grab it later. By the time I finished it was full-on dark out and in trying to get it out I ran into a branch.

I didn’t get my walk in until late tonight because I was with the BF this morning and I made dinner for our new closest family friends. Our kids spend a ton of time together and we’ve been camping twice as families.

I cooked a rather large meal and we had them over, with them life feels normal. We’re just friends that get together to share meals and experiences. It’s easy.

I read this excerpt from The Stranger, Dan Savage’s indy rag in Seattle. They like to predict what is going to happen and this resonated.

This will happen and it will be devastating to public schools.

Meanwhile my kids are doing fine with on-line. I got Casey’s weekly update on assignments and grades. There’s so much information that I feel like I can intervene in a timely fashion should he start declining, but he’s doing great.

Since the BF bought a new truck he let me take his Audi Allroad to Boulder to commute in. It’s incredibly generous. I’m not a fancy car person but I’ll admit it is a lot more fun to drive than my 2006 Toyota minivan. Tonight I asked Micah if he would like to go on a drive with me.

He’s been in it before and really likes it. I’ve been struggling to connect with him and I thought this would be a good way to get some quality time. I sent BF this text after we got back.

So now I’m feeling effusive and so so happy.

Minx and Bartleby were wrestling adorably until I turned on the camera and they froze. Assholes.

9 thoughts on “Night Drive

  1. What a nice way to start my morning. Having a cup of coffee and reading your post. You were mentioning the new type of teaching. This is my 6th year subbing and not sure how it will look for me. I am going to be doing some type of training so I can sub virtually. I might be tutoring this 12 yr old boy a few days a week. I have not been in anyone’s house since March and don’t plan to. We would work outside together both wearing masks and keeping our distance.The boy, like Basil and myself, does much better in person. We both hate on-line classes. I love how you made a simple drive to Flagstaff be such a nice reconnection with Micah. I loved to go shopping with my mom when I was and kid, and still do. Having so many sisters it was a time that I could have her all to myself. We still love going thrifting together. About your sweetie….he sounds like he is really good for you. Isn’t it nice when it is easy and you can just be yourself.

    • Casey loves going on errands with me. Well, I don’t know if he loves it but he certainly takes me up on it. Since he’s doing asynchronous learning he is always available and I love the company. It’s trickier with Micah but I feel like I now have something that can be our thing.

      I’m working on being myself. I’ve been reflecting a lot on the end of my relationship with Pablo and who I had become, in some ways my issues moving forward now are the same as they were back then: loss of self, desire to please in a way that led to me letting go of my own wants and desires, to the point of not even knowing what they are. It seems to me that one of the things that makes you and Basil work is that you know who you are, always have, and have never backed down on your values. It keeps things honest. I tend to be too accommodating and then eventually snap. It’s good that my BF and I are working on things together, he wants me to be me and to stop giving too much because he sees what it does to me. At 48 I’m still trying to get it together. But life is long, Marcia has been with her husband for 25 years and they got
      Together in their mid sixties. It’s never too late to be better.

      I love our chats over the internet, I hope you have a great day.

  2. To work on yourself is to be brave. I remember a woman I know was telling my about when she talked to her therapist. He said to her, “Tell me about yourself.” She started with being a mom and a wife and all that. He wanted to know about her and who she was. She froze. She didn’t know. She had forgotten. I have been talking to family and friends about during Covid I have not worked. So I don’t have to put up with anything I do not want to. So I am out of practice. hahah So basically I just tell people what comes to mind. When I start back in the classroom I will have to get used to not saying things again. For example: The stairs to the beach are a little more than 3 ft wide. I will be walking down and some teenagers will start to walk up. I will say loudly, because I am wearing a mask, and for emphasis “I don’t think so! You have to wait into I come down!” Then I use my nonverbal. I was at Lowes picking out forks(not a pitch fork but similar) people were started to walk way too close to me. So I just took the fork and put it in front of me as far as I could. hahah. You have always been very generous. You just have to make sure you leave some for yourself.

    • You are my assertiveness hero! I love that about you. Your mom did a good job raising you to look out for yourself and be your own priority. That was certainly never my upbringing. My job was to be of service. Well, there’s no time like the present to make changes.

      • You have it in you to be assertive. But some people can’t handle assertiveness. Too bad for them. Many people think if a man tells it like it is, he is being assertive. If a woman does it, she is a bitch. But the thing I like about it is that people don’t mess with me. They might think I’m a bitch hahah but I really don’t care what they think.

  3. To see how life is going for you and BF makes me so happy. You’re both such good people. And I love how you love your kids and work so hard to make time to connect. I’ve been enjoying all the posting you’re doing lately. I know you have hard times, like we all do, but reading your posts is like having vicarious vacations for me. So thank you!

    • I like how you know him, it gives you a very unique perspective on my life, more than even some of my family members. Posting to my blog feels better than posting to IG, it’s a richer format and I’m glad you enjoy reading it, it makes it more meaningful to write.

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