I haven’t posted in about a month because I have been completely overwhelmed.
I got a huge mask order for a realtor friend that took weeks to finish, then I moved out of my little house and temporarily into the big house and the BF’s, I went on a trip with the BF to meet his father, and I’m trying to get my boys out of the house and into nature, deal with divorce documents that had to be redone because of Corona (yep), and be present as a mother and a partner – my two highest priorities. There feels like no time for anything else and I’m exhausted.
What I’m feeling right now is something akin to depression. It’s a lankness, a lack of energy for doing the things I love, a lack of interest in some of my relationships … relationships that are on good terms but still feel like just too much. I do not want to pick up the phone. I do not want to get together. I mean I do, but I also don’t.
What do I want to do? I want to write and I want to make things out of clay, I just don’t have the time without sacrificing my most important people. The kids squawk, the BF does not, but one of the things I appreciate about him/us is our consistency. It would feel wrong to push aside our time because I know the slippery slope of taking someone for granted all too well.
I feel like if I’m at home I should be actively doing something with the boys, which I love. When I’m with the BF we are usually being together, doing things together, which I love. There is no other time. I’m here or I’m there. Writing feels insurmountable right now, there is so much to catch up on, and for no particular reason except I’m a completionist. Maybe if I get the writing done today, the divorce documents tomorrow, perhaps next week I can make a pot.
Since there is no time like the present to get started, I’ll let my photos tell the story, in no particular order.
I can’t stop taking pictures of neighborhood gardens and flowers. They bring me as much happiness as a botanical garden, but in a completely different way.
The garden that is bringing me the most enjoyment is the BF’s. He loves it. Pictured below was once a HOA owned corner of dirt and weeds that he got permission to landscape. Also shown is the adjacent land surrounded by cottonwoods.
Each night at dusk we sit out there and notice the minute changes … a plant that is in bloom, one that isn’t thriving, a the resident wolf spider hauling off a cricket, the hummingbird moth (Chad) making his rounds. It reminds me of the wonderful film Microcosmos that I watched a hundred times with my kids.
The swale behind his house has greened up as I hoped, surrounded by cottonwood trees. Chief loves it back there. He makes his rounds and then plops down atop the Veronica, he must love the smell.
There’s a cat he likes to chase off the property, returning when I call him like a triumphant defender of the land, leaping over a boulder with his four legs tucked beneath him in mid-air. It is happiness.
This is from a hike we went on. We stopped at the store on the way out and I watched him put together the exact picnic I would have if I had been in charge. I appreciated the care he took to bring wine, a blanket to sit on, a wrap for me if I got cold.
Scratchy got a job walking a dog this summer. Lilabet is the cutest thing in the world, an elderly Cavalier King Charles Spaniel. The way he loves animals warms my heart.
A friend hired my boys to move a ton of pavers into her backyard. Seeing them do manual labor made me unreasonably happy.
I started taking my boys to Fort Collins. I want them to get to know the city I’m spending time in and the BF better, but in a less intense way than overnights which are super stressful for me. He wants to know my kids and be a part of their lives and at almost eight months together the time feels right. I want them to feel comfortable around him and hopefully build a rapport. They don’t need a father figure but I think he would be a wonderful role model and trusted adult in their lives. It’s been fun.
Itchy came up one day (Scratchy had other plans) and we rented paddle boards and hung out at Horsetooth Canyon. It was the perfect, relaxed way to interact. Itchy insisted on jumping off of a cliff, which I only allowed to do once I saw someone else do it first.
Then we had lunch at the BF’s where Itchy helped him move landscaping rock. Then BF’s mom showed up and hung out for a bit and then we drove home. It was perfect.
Scratchy came with me a few days later. He wanted to check out Old Town because it was too windy to do anything on the water.
It felt good just to be together and then spend time with BF and Sandy (his sweet mom). Itchy was wiped out from the walking around and the bad weather (not really obvious from the pictures but it was windy and horrible) and he took a nap on the couch while I cooked dinner.
We are all starting to gel and it feels really good.
Even though things are opening back up, the COVID situation – like the economy – is propped up and false. I’m in no hurry to get back into society, especially given that our case numbers are rising. It’s only going to get worse with the premature reopening and the protests and rallies everywhere.
I’m in complete support of the Black Lives Matter rallies and I fear that there will be a huge spike in COVID cases. Don’t get me started on the Trump rallies. At least BLM protesters have the good sense to be outside and wear masks. Trump’s baskets full of deplorables won’t be so careful.
So I am making up for lack of camps by doing as much as I can to get my boys outside. This week we hiked Button Rock and spent an afternoon at the swimming hole on the creek.
Speaking of fun things, Junebug and I were walking dogs one morning when her pup took a poop. She bagged it up and we looked for a place to throw it away. We came upon a friend’s house and instead of putting it in the trash, I suggested she put it on top of his Tesla.
- Because we always kid about our dogs taking dumps in eachother’s yards.
- Because we like to joke about how people LOVE to complain about dogshit on Nextdoor, a neighborhood social network that is great for getting rid of stuff and finding handymen, but completely boogered up by people tattling on neighbors or ranting about non-mask wearers and dog walkers.
Imagine my delight when this came up on Next Door.
Such entitled rage!
I showed the text to Lonny and he chastised me for the #whitelivesmatter hashtag but honestly, if you can’t see this is dripping with sarcasm then you probably shouldn’t read my blog.
WHITE PEOPLE WITH TESLAS IN AFFLUENT NEIGHBORHOODS MATTER!
I sent the text to Junebug as a little wakeup present.
Nothing makes me happier than a perfectly executed prank.
Last week BF and I drove to Arkansas so I could meet his father and step-mother. Normally we would have flown but COVID so we opted for the 12 hour drive, made longer by listening to this audiobook.
Honestly, I hope Biden’s campaign is talking to Rick Wilson because he’s right about how to defeat Trump. But ten hours of Wilson describing the hellscape of four more years with Trump is a fucking bummer. You don’t have to convince me that more Trump is a bad thing. I felt like I had been beaten with a stick by the time we finished.
But the BF’s folks were lovely and their home was a pleasure to be in, especially the surrounding area. We loved walking around the neighboring forest and watching the fireflies rise at dusk.
We visited Crystal Bridges Museum of American Art, founded and funded by the Walton family of the Walmart fortune. The pictures are out of order but my goodness, what a beautiful place. Their exhibit of contemporary American artists showed a true commitment to representing the diverse community of working artists. You can only look at so many dead artist’s work.
It’s the only establishment we set foot in on our trip and they were very serious about safety. We could only enter by appointment, masks were required and provided, we never saw more than four people in the same gallery, and the cafe was well spaced out. I would have been content to wander the grounds but was so happy we were able to go in. I would love to go again.
On the way back we stopped at a food truck and enjoyed a delicious lobster roll and parmesan tater tots. The lot was completely empty and there were giant fans everywhere to keep guests cool.
Oh yes, and another thing I did was have a photoshoot with Inga, a new friend. She was moved by the self-portrait I took in the fall when I was struggling with a break-up and was feeling very vulnerable.
Months later we got together to recreate that shoot, or rather see what would happen. Same place, same prop, different reality.
These are merely raw images. Inga’s work is collaged, overlapped, and layered. She has been releasing sneak peaks.
Her prints are huge, which is necessary to take in all the elements. I am looking forward to the show and I can be surrounded by her vision. Yet again I marvel at my good fortune to be the subject of such a brilliant artist.
Here’s some stuff I found on the internet. Some of it’s about BLM, some is funny, some is that relationship motivational shit I love.
Also, my pets looking cute.
Here’s Chief being stupid.
While we’re at it, here’s my kid being stupid.
Well heck, there it all is. I’m current again. Next up is updating my divorce documents to reflect our new financial situation given COVID. Fun.
But as you can see, lots of great things have been happening. The BF and I went to a restaurant for the first time in four months, our favorite place, and we decided that it wasn’t worth the money or the risk. Although it didn’t feel risky, they really knocked themselves out to make it safe. But we have gotten used to home cooking and our own company. That isn’t a bad thing.
I’ve kind of gotten over missing going to shows, too. I guess it’s been long enough. Plus BF and I are really good at in-home dance parties.
Although I really miss this. Nothing can replace the bathroom at a big show with my best friends.
Perhaps given how constricted our world has become has made me averse to other people, making getting together seem exhausting. I dunno. All I know is that I don’t feel like talking on the phone or trying to get together. My world feels like it is bursting at the seams with the intense relationships I am nurturing and my lack of personal space.
Don’t get me wrong, it’s working out being at the big house and now is the best time to do it when the boys really need me. Lonny has been so gracious and accommodating, I cannot complain, but I miss my home. I miss the light and the houseplants and the brightly colored decorations. So it goes.
Well this only took six hours, about what I thought it would. I’m going to hide under the covers now.