On-line and Undead

Something I learned during my brief stint with on-line dating is that once you sign up for Match.com, you will never be free of it.

I would make a herpes comparison but the truth is that herpes is overly stigmatized and I don’t want to add to that. If you want to read a really interesting piece about it, check out this article on Salon.com. Dan Savage interviewed the author so naturally I had to check it out.

I hang on his every word and I am a premium (Magnum) subscriber

So I won’t compare on-line dating to contracting herpes because it’s not that big of a deal and people should calm down, it’s more like trying to kill a zombie. We all know how impossible that is.

Good luck killing one with a baseball bat

I kid you not, you can cancel your subscription and shut down your profile but you will never stop receiving emails from them trying to suck you back in. Also – fun fact – they will continue to use your profile and pictures to attract new users, even though they say they don’t.

I was advised by someone in the know to delete all my photos and remove all personal information. The other day I received yet another email trying to get me to sign up and I clicked on the the email to delete it but it took me to their page. I closed it before it fully loaded but it was enough to reactivate my account. Isn’t that great?

What’s funny is what I put in my summary, seeing as how I was unable to delete my name, age, etc. …

God, so stupid. Anyway, I went through the 10-step process (including Captcha) to deactivate.

Here’s the thing about on-line, you sign up and for a day you are a hot commodity. Your picture gets blasted out to every single man within a thousand miles and you’ve got 200+ candidates to choose from. You spend the next couple days narrowing it down to 5 people that might be interesting (aka not 65 or 25, conservative, religious, holding dead animals, at sports events, next to a convertible/truck/motorcycle, pictured with kids/exes/food or selfying shirtless in a bathroom mirror, tongue hanging out, blah blah). You reach out and might hear back from a couple. Then it’s nothing but garbage and tumbleweeds.

The only difference is that I would go out with any of these cats, especially the orange ones.

I get the feeling that had I broadened my search to include boys in their 20’s I would have gotten tons of action. It seems that there are lots of willing cougar-bait types out there but no thanks.

Of the people you end up connecting with, each date fraught with fear of being scammed, lied to, or murdered. There is something deeply strange about going on a date with someone who you have no way of vetting, no way of asking a mutual friend about, because there are no mutual friends. I guess Hinge has somewhat solved that but thankfully I never got that far.

Ironically I met the person I am seeing on-line but I quickly realized that we already knew each other casually and had a vast network of people in common. Imagine my relief at being able to let him pick me up at my home because I knew he wasn’t going to be a creep. Or a murderer. Or married. Seriously, all those options suck.

I guess I’m grateful for dating apps because I doubt we would have connected because he doesn’t live in Boulder and I didn’t know how to use the app well enough to specify a tighter radius. Now I wish I could make them all go away forever.

Leave a Reply