My lovely neighbor brought over an early gift for my 48th birthday tomorrow. Four dozen tokens for four dozen years.
Did I think I would be here – spitting distance from 50 – setting up a new house, a new life, starting a new career (figuring out what that will even be), considering the possibility of new love, and all the while doing this while bringing my loved ones with me?
My children, of course, but also Lonny. He’s coming with me in his own way. We built a family and a life together. While our new configuration looks and feels different, I didn’t create 18 years of history to walk away from it. My hope is that in the end it will be peaceful, fulfilling, and full of familial love.
To that end we are seeking therapy to “consciously uncouple.” Oh how I rolled my eyes the first time I heard Gwyneth Paltrow roll out that term. Ann and Cory recommended a brilliant couple’s counsellor after I complained one too many times about how difficult it is to communicate with Lonny. We’ve had two sessions with her and for the first time in a while I feel like we both feel heard and understood. It is well worth the effort and money.
I am also interviewing for jobs. Nina sat with me to create my resumé. It would be disingenuous to say I was updating it, we started from scratch. Then I built a LinkedIn profile and built a skeleton of a cover letter so I can immediately apply for jobs as they come across my feed on LinkedIn.
For as irritated I have been by LinkedIn’s never ending obtrusiveness, I must say it’s a lifesaver right now. There is a lot of opportunity and I’ve applied for six jobs in the last few days.
Caitlin and my former employer have been my interview coaches and Brenda has helped me find clarity in what I want. It has been an enormous process but one I am ready for.
I needed to take a month to get my feet under me after I flipped the table yet again by exiting a bad relationship and deciding to find different work. But yesterday as I was snowed in, I felt stir crazy and agitated.
It’s time to get to work.
I don’t do well sitting around. After a while my mind starts eating itself, creating drama and anxiety where there should be none. It’s no good. It’s why I am so eager to work in an organization where I have colleagues and structure and a hope for advancement. I want to live outside my own, small reality, and be part of something bigger.
Speaking of, I have an interview on Thursday with a start-up I am very excited about. I don’t want to jinx it but wish me luck. Caitlin gave me a lot of homework to do prior to it.
“I’m really good at getting hired,” she said. I know where she’s worked. I believe her.
I am so grateful for the generosity of my kids who have shown such flexibility and patience with my ever changing reality. (God, what kind of mother am I?) and Lonny who keeps returning to help me fix something or solve a problem even though I was just yelling at him about a past grievance. He is a very patient person and while I don’t always appreciate how he loves, I can see that patience is his greatest expression of it.
And then my friends, old and new, who are here to hold me in my dark hours. I don’t know how many times Emily has taken me to lunch, or Nina has come over to commiserate with me, Tabby who always walks with me, Caitlin who gives me her youthful (and extremely relevant) perspective, Ann who never judges me, Cory who is a steady presence even though I haven’t seen him in a while, Sean and Kristanna who only want the best for me, my father and step-mom who listen and offer support, Myjah who all the way from Berlin offers me advice on maneuvering the single life with such humor, Màrion who transmits love across the oceans, and all the people who have come to my rescue.
I have much to be grateful for as I approach 48, is it too much to ask for a happy birthday, too?