Maiden Voyage

I’m getting in a little last minute blogging before the family and I take the Shasta out for her maiden voyage. I don’t want to get ahead of myself, but I think I’m going to like it if the packing process is in any way indicative of what it is like to travel by camper.


I know that when given the choice between things going perfectly but it’s a rather meh experience vs shit going sideways but the story is one for the ages, I’ll usually go for the latter option.

But this time, please, just don’t let anything go wrong.


This is definitely the least amount of planning I’ve ever done for a camping trip. Ever. I didn’t even know where we were going until 4:00 yesterday when we settled on Vedauwoo, national forest land in Wyoming.

It’s super pretty and Pamcakes told me that kids love to explore the rock formations. Seeing as how I’m bringing an extra kid (a friend for Scratchy to keep him and Itchy from inflicting Death by a Thousand Petty Arguments unto me), stuff to do outside is a big draw.

And it’s only two hours away.

I was about to buy a new car a couple months ago because I know my minivan and there ain’t no way it’s pulling a 2000 pound trailer. Dry.

But nooooo, Loony and Uncle Alan were like, it will be fine. Did you the 2004 Sienna (aka the one that barely makes it up the hill to Jason and Emily’s house) has the EXACT SAME ENGINE AS THIS …


Yeah, right.

But fine, I’ll defer to the ones with penises when it comes to engine displacement or whatnot. I scrapped the plan to get the Subaru Ascent (which I still want) and slapped a hitch to the Sienna which now has EVEN LESS CLEARANCE. And was $470.

So a couple days ago Jason and Emily asked if I wanted to go to the Renaissance Festival with them.

You know I do.

We carpooled to Larkspur together in the minivan and Jason drove.

Me: Go easy now. This baby has a lot of power. It’s easy to get swollen with excitement over the sheer driving experience.

 Jason: How much does the Shasta weigh?

Me: 2000 pounds, dry.

Jason: I don’t know about that.

Me: Well Loony and Alan insisted that this car has as big a penis as the Toyota overcompensator.

Jason: Yeah no. You are taking one of my fleet trucks. This thing might get you where you are going, but there’s no telling how long it will take.

Me: That’s what I said.

It pays to have a friend who own a construction business and is swimming in large towing rigs. We worked out an agreement where he can borrow the Shasta when he wants and in exchange I can borrow a truck.

I still want an Ascent. It’s either that or a newer minivan because I really like having a 3rd row. To be honest, I feel more comfortable in a minivan. It doesn’t feel as douchy as a huge SUV.

The Ren Fest was really fun. I think the number one contributor to our good time was a little cloud cover all day.



It’s a Scotch egg. You wrap a hardboiled egg in sausage, roll it in breadcrumbs and fry. Serve with mustard. That and pickles.

Itchy had a Ca Freezio, some kind of coffee milkshake (which was delicious I might add) but he doesn’t pound food, he sips slowly. It warmed in the sun so he decided to drink it super fast and then …


I felt kind of bad about laughing at him while he was puking his brains out so I put the phone away to pat him on the back. But only after I took this picture …


Did I mention it was a zero calorie drink? Everything is zero calories if you hurl it up.

But then a few minutes later he was doing this ….

And this …


Ah, the resilience of youth. The Ren Fest is a great time as long as you go into it knowing that you are walking into the equivalent of a strip club for kids and LARPers. If you ain’t throwing down the bills you ain’t having fun.

You also have to be down for some really shady food.

Screen Shot 2018-06-25 at 8.29.36 AM.png

It’s been a mellow summer (fabulous trip to Cuba notwithstanding, that’s full gas).

This slideshow requires JavaScript.

Scratchy talked me into driving down to Broomfield to visit Pacific Ocean Market. I love that place.


It’s one-stop-shopping for all things Asian.

There is a full on Engrish clothing store there that had a dress in the window that stopped me in my tracks.


It’s a shame that the picture quality is so poor because they were closed so I had to take a picture through glass. Had it been open, that dress would be mine.

I had to text MPT.

Screen Shot 2018-06-25 at 8.26.58 AM.png

So yeah, that’s what I’ve been doing in lieu of planning a camping trip that I’m leaving for in 30 minutes. Well, that and this …

But packing a trailer is kind of fun. THERE’S A REFRIGERATOR! AND DRAWERS! AND A BATHROOM!

Wish me luck folks. Let this be the one time the wheels don’t come off.

6 thoughts on “Maiden Voyage

  1. Have fun on your adventure. It sounds like you already know this, but I love to tell people: When traveling remember when bad/unexpected things happen it is always a good story. When everything goes smoothly there is not much to say. Oh the renaissance fest around here is full the the scrappiest ppl I have ever seen in my life all gathered together. hahh The one I went to when I lived in Boulder was a different story. Then my old roomie Lisa(who knew from experience) told me they were total sex fests….. all weekend long

    • Emily “acted” in the Ren Fest when she was 17, she would confirm that it was very wild. She said the knights have the biggest posses, I think she is still a little traumatized by the experience, being a good girl and all. The Colorado festival is run by a biker gang.

  2. When I found out from Lisa that everyone was having sex with everyone I don’t know what grossed me out more…all of these fat, greasy smelly men and woman not bathing for many, many days walking around barefoot. Then to swap numerous partners is bad enough but to not bath in between…..She met this guy there that they knew that they would be dating after the Fest but it was a given that that would sleep with many ppl while the weekend was going on. I think she slept with 7 guys???? She was a big girl (300pds) and very confident and comfortable in her skin. She said she was a normal little girl until she was sodomized by her 2nd grade teacher! Sick bastard!

  3. We towed our small-ish popup with our minivan. Blew the engine. Definitely get a stronger car. The minivan penis is not up for it.

    • Yeah, I’m glad we didn’t take the minivan. It would have been a disaster. It’s also nice to not trash the interior of the van, camping is so dirty.

Leave a Reply