Crotch Potato

Sometimes, when I am … um … under the influence of certain totally legal substances, I do my best thinking.

Regard.

IMG_1892

Yeah, I know the difference between their and there.

Okay, so it was a dream, it was still some mighty compelling narrative. Or at least it seemed that way to me.

I was also thinking about my little Scheissehund and two amazing … no, BRILLIANT, things came to mind. For one, he is a Crotch Potato … like couch potato, but for crotches.

Get it?!

Thinking I might have coined a BRILLIANT new term, I checked the internet and drat, Urban Dictionary already squatted on it.

Screen Shot 2018-02-13 at 3.25.58 PM.png

I strenuously object to both definitions and would like to offer up my own.

Crotch Potato: A small dog or cat that lodges itself deep into the lap of his/her hooman or anyone.

Like this guy.

I’ve been Bullet Journaling as a way to organize my time and be more productive.  (I’ll get to my second brilliant idea shortly)

Why Bullet Journal when you can put your to-do’s in your phone? For one, taking a few minutes to write stuff down either the night before or first thing in the morning – after glancing at your monthly goals – helps keep me on track. And B, there is nothing that feels better than checking off something on my list.

These days my big task is to go through my 27,000 photos and put all the pictures I like into yearly albums, with captions. After that I delete all the pictures that I think won’t be meaningful without being in the context of an album.

For instance …

IMG_3357

This is a photo from my trip with Sideboob to Venice Beach. In an album next to pictures of us doing stuff there, along with a caption, it helps create a memory scape. In a file of one hundred thousand digital photos, it is meaningless.

So I’m making my albums, printing out two (one for each kid eventually), storing one in a waterproof box in the basement, and deleting the pictures that I would never print again. Of course I’ll keep the pictures of my kids or friends or pets that I think I might want later, but I’d bet 75% of my pictures are pure background noise.

Each day I take one month of a year, edit, caption and put into an album. I’m on 2015. I’d love to get my photos down to less that 7,000.

You know what I noticed from going back in time? I have a lot of pictures of my pets. And of my pets, most of the pictures of Scheissehund are of him in my crotch. Crotch potato.

And 2) You know what else occurred to me?

Piglet

Piglet and Scheissehund bear a striking resemblance!

Piglet was on my mind while listening to this podcast yesterday. I’m such a politics junkie that sometimes I need to come up for air with podcasts NOT about politics. I really enjoy Every Little Thing.

Anyway, I’m going to make Schiessehund a striped pink onesie and you’ll see!

Loony and I went to a show the other night with Chris Jones.

IMG_3628

Shit, I guess we look super old

It was another EDM fest just down the road.

Super fun music with a super young crowd.

The funniest thing happed. I was in the restroom and there were two other ladies of about my age at the vanity. One was telling some of the young ladies that they should love themselves and enjoy their lives.

Solid advice.

So then the girls say, “And you ladies are awesome, too! It’s so great to see you out together!”

????

IMG_3638

Yeah, we don’t know each other but we are all in our 40s, therefore ….

Anyway, it was funny watching the girls squirm as they realized that they had just lumped us together because we are all old, we must be friends. Like, our advanced age was the most obvious thing about us.

They tried backpeddling like, “But you look great (for your age) and are so awesome and byeeeee!” as they backed out the door.

when-someone-calls-you-racist-but-you-have-a-black-13158866.png

Let’s see, Chief is fucking cute …

… but it’s time for him to get neutered. He’s scheduled for next week as I’m getting tired of how crazy he’s been. He testicles have gotten bigger (I’M HIS MOTHER! IT’S MY JOB TO NOTICE THESE THINGS!) and he’s lifting his leg to pee (and I’ve never been more proud) and he’s humping things. I just can’t take all the humping in my house.

I posted this video on IG and a friend won the internet with his reply.

Image-1-1.png

Correction, “IT FITS SO PERFECTLY!”

There’s no stopping Schiessehund but hopefully I can stop Chief. I just spayed Minx because she went into heat AGAIN so I’m on a family planning kick.

With that in mind, look what came in the mail …

IMG_3666

Yep, I pulled the trigger and got him some Neuticles! It was hard deciding what size but I opted to go “sporty” and size him down because his noogs were kinda big. And I don’t want them in my face, just kinda there and fur covered and cute, ya know?

So Loony left town this morning for Mexico. He got an offer he couldn’t refuse and is in Cabo with dudes on a bro-cation. I don’t mind that he’s not here for Valentine’s Day, perhaps the most overrated holiday in existence. I’m looking forward to eating vegetarian with a vengeance while he’s gone and just hanging with my boys.

5706_gaycation-lrg

I’m also having a drink (?) dinner (?) with an old friend that I kinda dated when I was 19. Kinda dated if you call making out a few times before he got all sad about his ex girlfriend and had to terminate said make-out sesh to call her.

It was a long time ago. Like 27 years.

But I like being around people from my past and I like him and as long as he doesn’t think that because Loony is out of town that this is some kind of invitation for flirting because I think that would make his wife really sad and I’m not an asshole. At least I try really hard not to be one.

He likes to talk about how we almost dated and should have dated (i.e. done more than make out if you know what I mean) but we don’t have to talk about that because 1) fifteen years ago I ran into him while I had a few drinks in me (aka I was lit) and we had that convo and honestly, it’s been covered, and 2) I have lots of really fun and interesting things to talk about that would not make his wife, or me, uncomfortable.

So if you are reading this (you know who you are) shoot me a text and let’s have dinner or coffee and have a great conversation because we both are really fun and smart people with a lot to talk about, okay? Like friends. Real friends.

 

3 thoughts on “Crotch Potato

Leave a Reply