Super Christmassy families celebrate the holidays by coloring more or less in the lines of the Christmas coloring playbook of traditions.
There are the cookies, mulled wine, tree trimming, caroling, traditional movies, decorations, walking around to see the holiday lights, Santa, Elf of the Shelf, etc.
But the non-Christmassy type have our own ways of celebrating (or not) the holiday and we are all completely different.
The immortal words of Leo Tolstoy can be applied to holiday festivities, “Happy families are all alike; every unhappy family is unhappy in its own way.”
This year we celebrated Christmas with a cat in heat.
I’ve never experienced a cat in heat before. I usually get my cats from the shelter where they come fixed and with all the stuff happening in my house I hadn’t really thought about getting Minx fixed. I have always intended to do it, but in that nebulous future kind of way.
So when on the day before Christmas when Loony said, “Minx got up on me and was really affectionate with me. Like really affectionate,” I was all, huh. That’s weird, she isn’t usually drawn to him.
Then this shit started happening.
And everywhere we look this is all we see.
She follows Bates everywhere and he’s so not into her despite her constantly thrusting her vagina in his face.
We enjoyed this display during our holiday open house.
Sideboob brought her husband and his mother to the party just after visiting another open house which was at one of the nicest houses I’ve been in. Her MIL was enamored with the place and the opulence and good taste.
Then she comes to my place where the evening’s entertainment is watching my puppy eat my kitten’s ass all night.
The funny (not haha) part is that the house they went to is owned by a total degenerate. Nice person, but freeeee-keeee. I might talk a good talk, but this person is the real deal YET I’M THE ONE WITH THE CRAZY SCENE!
And of course this shit would happen the day before Christmas where getting an emergency spaying is not in the cards.
We’re just going to have to ride this one out and put up with her constant yowling and swanning about and basically acting like a trollop.
I’m telling you, it’s like being in the Red Light District of Amsterdam.
That Fucking Cat is disgusted by her and won’t stop hissing and snarling, Bates is in hiding, and she has now taken the titled of WORLD’S SLUTTIEST CAT.
But in other news, I had my open house and live simulated dog-on-cat sex show not withstanding, it was a nice evening.
I didn’t take any pictures except for Mo, Crystal and John.
Crystal said her favorite part of the invitation was this:
She and John bitter-ended it with me.
I love going to bed early. So much.
AND SIDEBOOB GOT ME A GREAT PRESENT!
We are staying at the Golden Goat the second night we are in France! It has become our habit to stay in reasonable hotels while traveling but to have one night in a truly fabulous, luxury resort.
We like staying hotels because European establishments always offer a great breakfast gratis. We pack a lunch from the breakfast buffet and we just saved ourselves beaucoup bucks.
It’s how we treat all buffets these days, like the one on campus we go to before French class.
She sent me the link to the video above and insisted that everyone watch it because I enjoy things more when I am rubbing them in someone else’s face.
She knows me so well. THANK YOU!
If you want to get a taste of what we will be doing in April, check out this blog post. It’s in French but the pictures say it all.
It’s super cold out so keeping Chief entertained is challenging. I thought I dodged a bullet with the annoying puppy behavior but it turns out that he was just holding off on the destructiveness and manic energy until he was six months old.
He chewed through the Loony’s laptop power cord, he shreds all paper, and yesterday in lieu of wrapping the boys’ Fitbits (hey, they wanted them) I put them in my robe pocket.
Imagine this. I have the boys close their eyes and hold out their hands. I reach into my pocket and pull out the first Fitbit and put it into Scratchy’s hand. Whilst doing so the other one fell out of my pocket and while I felt around my pocket for it, Chief managed to nab it and chew through the strap.
I knew it was a good call to not have a tree, especially since I wasn’t up for this kind of arrangement.
Luckily I have a bunch of fellow puppy owners nearby who are equally as
desperate excited come over and hang out.
Juniper is a cute little red dog that looks a lot like Chief. They like to bite each other in the mouth until they get really tired.
It’s loud and obnoxious but at least they get tired which allows us to do things like write vapid blog posts about failing at Christmas and my cat’s vagina.
Oh, and this is weird.