Sploot On Command

Chief is off to boarding school for a week. It might seem a little early for such a drastic measure but I’m going out of town this weekend and he’s not potty trained enough (i.e. at all) to leave him with a house sitter. I found I trainer I think I like who does board and training at his home.

I say think I like because I’m reserving judgement for after I get Chief back. I’ve met with him a couple times and he seems to know his shit, although a girlfriend of mine (who also is getting her dog trained by him) put it in my mind that he’s a former stripper.

NOT THAT IT WOULD MAKE ME LIKE HIM LESS. Duh. If anything it would make me like him more.

I dunno, I don’t get that from him, he has more of a military vibe and hey, I doubt anyone knows more, um, male exotic performers than me so I should know.

NOT THAT IT MATTERS! What matters is how good he is with Chief. I dropped him off yesterday.


On the way to the trainer

I already miss him so much.

I almost backed out of it yesterday (except for the fact that we are going out of town and need the boarding anyway) when Chief went to the door and waited to go out, then pooped once we got outside.

He’s communicating with me! We are making progress! We don’t need training!

Then he peed on the floor after we got home. Off to school you go.


I have to say that I was really impressed with the trainer’s house. He lives in a nice old neighborhood on the outskirts of Boulder on a tree-lined street. His lawn was perfectly manicured, he had a statue of the Buddha out front (which doesn’t really jibe with his military vibe but whatever) and his house was spotless and really nice.


Did NOT look like this which is what I was scared of

He had framed dog training certificates on the wall as well as his badges from when he worked for Animal Control (hence that cop feeling I got) and his backyard was massive and mowed.

He has two sweet dogs that looked eager to play with Chief. His place really reminded me of a man I dated in Utah who was on the SWAT Team as a K9 handler. He had an enormous German Shepard that was trained in Germany and only responded to German commands.


Ingo looked like this, only meaner and bigger

His house was exactly the same. Neat, clean, nothing superfluous anywhere, definitely no “woman’s touch” and everything in its place. Military. That guy wasn’t great in bed … the SWAT guy, not the dog trainer! I wouldn’t know.

Chief looked around and immediately peed on the floor.

“Good luck with that!” I said over my shoulder as I walked out the door. I left feeling confident that he was in good hands. I’ve been in houses that smelled horrible and were trashed that I would never leave my dog in, his put me completely at ease.

In retrospect I should have asked him to work on some stuff with Chief, other than the basics (sit, stay, PEE OUTSIDE!) It came to me when I was messaging with Stitch.


Maybe I’ll call him.

Of course while I was in the middle messaging with Stitch, Scratchy came up behind me and asked what I was looking at.

“It’s a dog that looks like a penis!” I said happily.

He slapped his forehead and walked away. My kids are so square.

He told me that he doesn’t want to look at any pictures of Chief because it will just make him sad. He’s probably right about that but I’m torturing myself by looking at mini-Goldens on Instagram and messaging with their owners about how much they weighed as puppies and how much they weigh now.

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His latest weigh-in projection has him at 26.5 pounds fully grown but it goes up each week as he isn’t slowing down. I think he’ll be 40 pounds. Here’s a picture of his daddy.


Jack weighs 35 pounds and looks just like Chief, the eyes, the muzzle, everything. Ugh, I miss him! I miss the way he sleeps all cuddled up around my head, I miss his popcorn paws, I miss this soft little sound he makes in the back of his throat, it’s a barely audible little popping sound. I can only hear it when I’m carrying him down the stairs to go potty at night. I really hope he’s doing okay.

Meanwhile, Minx and Scheissehund are battling it out without him.

What’s that goofy kid in the background doing? It’s Itchy in his Halloween costume, he’s Totoro.


Squad goals

I accidentally bought two of them (don’t ask) so we can both be Totoro. He’s super into it and shoved pillows in it for greater effect.


Scratchy is going to be a bear.


He got this great costume from his grandma and I thought Itchy would be bummed so I ordered him (two) Totoro costumes and had them open them at the same time.

Itchy, sensing that Scratchy’s costume cost more and was therefore superior, laid it on really thick with HOW AMAZING and HOW COMFORTABLE and HOW THIS IS THE BEST COSTUME EVER and it got under Scratchy’s skin. Guh.

Parental fail.


I think Scratchy has a touch of the post b-day blues.

What’s with my family? He moped around after his birthday and I took the opportunity to talk about how our emotions are always trying to level out. If you have a super fun weekend, Monday can seem extra depressing. You have to anticipate the inevitable coming down (emotional hangover, as it were) and remind yourself that, like everything in life, it’s temporary and will pass. But god, I feel like I do so much managing of emotions around here.

Itchy is super stable but he’s verging on the teen years so I imagine that his head will pop off and he’ll turn into Satan soon.


At least today he’s stoked to wear a cute animal costume.

So everyone is talking about what horrible and shocking person Harvey Weinstein is. AND HE IS! He’s a complete piece of shit and contrary to what a lot of people on the news are saying I don’t think any politicians should give his money back.

I hope that fucker is financially ruined. I hope he could use all that money back but won’t get it. I hope they give his money to women’s organizations. I also wish Donald Trump would suffer the same public excoriating as Harvey. But no.


This sex predator didn’t get fired, he got elected* president, but not really

So my girlfriends and I were messaging about how guys STILL DON’T GET IT when it comes to being in the same room with women. There’s this awesome guideline going around about how to interact with women, for men that are confused.

Here’s a hint, don’t assume you can fuck her and she wants to fuck you. Because you are a man and deserve it. If that’s too hard, imagine the woman is The Rock (Dwayne Johnson) and act accordingly.

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But my friend’s FB acquaintance (a dude) completely missed the point because he was all, I think Dwayne Johnson is hot and I wouldn’t mind fucking him so if I apply the Golden Rule (i.e. Do unto others as you would have done unto you) then it would be legit for me to hit on him.


NO NO NO NO! I’m pretty sure the Golden Rule doesn’t imply sexual consent.

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That said, Dwayne Johnson could definitely “do unto me” but I would never dream of just walking up to him and assuming he would want to fuck me because that’s simply ridiculous. It is amazing to me that anyone has that high of a self-esteem but apparently that’s how many men feel about themselves. Go you. I guess.




2 thoughts on “Sploot On Command

  1. We too are taking our pups to doggie day care sans the training. We are going to my little sister’s wedding this Friday. Three days after her wedding is our 19 yr wedding anniversary. 🙂 The place where we are taking them posts pictures on facebook. They love it there. BTW your kids costumes are great and look nice and warm…..One last thing….just because someone is a teenager doesn’t mean they are going to be difficult. (coming from someone who working middle school and high school last week…hahah

    • I sure hope you are right about the teenage years not necessarily being destined to horribleness. I was an okay teen. I remember the raging hormones and angst. Oh the angst. Three more sleeps until I get my baby back.

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