T*tty P*ssy F*ck

Last night I was banging out my last 1000 steps before bed. The night was exceptionally dark and I was walking alone, Scheissehund already turned in.

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SH “walks” on my shoulder

I noticed a man crossing perpendicularly to me at the traffic circle. For some reason I hurried up so I could be in front of him, I realized my mistake after it was too late.

Here I was, a woman walking alone in a nightgown on a dark and empty street, with a man walking not far behind. I picked up the pace and looked for his shadow out of the corner of my eye but I was afraid to look behind me.

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Nothing happened of course, this is Boulder and while a woman was murdered in 1997 on that very spot, it was unlikely that I was actually unsafe. But I felt very exposed and alone so I made a turn at the next street and he didn’t follow.

The point of this is that I miss Blue. I never walked around the neighborhood without him for five years and I was never, ever scared. In fact, I observed people crossing the street to get away from us when it was dark out.

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Don’t be fooled, he is not really a lap dog.

I often fantasized about the severe ass-kicking Blue would give to anyone who tried to hurt me even though two out of the two times we had an intruder in the house (one asleep on Blue’s dog bed and the other wielding a knife) Blue wasn’t all that useful.

It reminded me of an excerpt from David Sedaris’s Youth in Asia.

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L’il Chief probably won’t do much to protect me in the dark. I saw a mini Golden yesterday who weighed 35 pounds and while the perfect and adorable, she was no hulking beast that only a fool would mess with but I know I’ll feel better when I have a dog to walk with again, regardless of the size.

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We are deep into the dog days of summer which Loony just informed me is a reference to the Dog Star being visible in the sky. To me it means passing the hot afternoons with the kids. I’m really enjoying this time with them except for when I got talked into making foam swords and being the perfectionist I am, I went all the way.

It took an entire day and two trips to the hardware store.

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I’m not proud but it made me kind of hate everyone. I was sweating balls trying to get the metallic sheath to fit over the foam blade. My fingers were cramping, it was a million degrees out, my boobs were sweating, and I was afraid to turn the struggle over to the kids because pulling too hard would pop the seams.

I’ll spare you the IM rant with Stitch about ungrateful kids. It’s not true, though. They were grateful although they deemed the swords too heavy to use in combat. Someone could get seriously brained.

Speaking of boobs, I’m always trying to figure out if my boys are getting interested in girls. Today I received a resounding no.

While walking to the library I spotted a sticker on a car of a hand making a shakka sign but the palm of the hand sported boobs. Me being me I was like, “HA! BOOBS!” and my son (who shall remain unnamed) was like, “Huh? What? Where?” and I pointed out the sticker and he was like, “That’s a face,” and I was like, “Yep, definitely not hitting puberty yet.”

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Actual photo. Does this look like a face to you? I didn’t think so.

Hey man, it’s cool by me. I’m in no hurry for my boys to experience the brain damage, heart ache, and bad skin that is puberty.

Loony and I went to another EDM show with Gofer, this time it was DJ UZ.

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He always wears a mask while performing so no one knows what he looks like … ooooooh

I didn’t know shit about him except Gofer said I would like it. It wasn’t until I was half way through his set when he played a song I go berzerk to when Gofer plays it at parties.

It’s not this song but still …

In true EDM fashion there was a woman wearing LED gloves doing some finger-tut. I remember watching with great amusement at a Borgor show (a friend was pole dancing on stage with him which is the only reason I went) when someone stood in front of a finger-tutter and let him wiggle his fingers in his face. I didn’t get it.

That was a few years ago, I’ve gotten much more hip since.

I saw this woman doing her tut thing and I walked up and took in the one-person show because that’s what you are supposed to do.

Maybe you had to be there.

While in the bathroom I took in a little reading and my eyes froze on this announcement.

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50TH ANNIVERSARY?!?!?!

I have never liked The Moody Blues even though I went to one of their concerts WITH MY DAD! Why didn’t I like them? Because they were dad music (no offense, Dad) AKA old people music, which meant they had been around a while by the time I was 15. HOW OLD ARE THESE GUYS ANYWAY?

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He’s 70?! Is the show going to start at 3pm? Because I’m 45 and 3pm would be dope.

 

DJ UZ mixed in a lot of Kendrick Lamar and I was particularly taken with this one lyric …

 

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Word. Fucking Photoshop and fake, perfect Photoshopped people all over social media.

 

I was feeling pretty impressed with myself for knowing who Kendrick Lamar is but before you are impressed, I only know about him because Terry Gross gushed about his latest album on Fresh Air and I figured I should find out what all the fuss was about. I had to listen to the album twice and read the lyrics before I started to get it.

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Terry Gross is my go-to gal to keep my finger on the pulse of hip culture. Wouldn’t you?

That’s right, I heard about him on NPR. So hip.

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Yeah, preach Emma Stone, even though you are Photoshopped in 100% of your photos and movies.

The other lyric that really stuck out – so much that I was compelled to text it to myself for the sake of this blog – was …

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Word smithing at its best but I danced to it. Yes I did.

In the middle of the show AB texted me about FINALLY watching The Night Manager. We try to watch the same shows so we can discuss them in pottery class but for SOME REASON she was dragging her feet on The Night Manager. I gave her shit every week about it for months.

 

 

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Frankly, I’ve been yapping about this show enough on my blog that I’m going to post a few spoilers because if you haven’t seen it by now, then that’s on you.

Don’t worry Dad, I only spoil the first episode which you’ve seen, so it’s safe to keep reading.

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Sideboob and I wet ourselves over how hot Hiddleston is in this show and how gallant and romantic his character was, but not AB. She was all pragmatic like, “YOU FUCKING IDIOT! STAY AWAY FROM THE SAUDI MOBSTER’S WOMAN!”

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I was a tiny bit buzzed so I felt the need to send her the video of the woman trancing out with her flashlight gloves.

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Okay. Maybe you had to be there for this to be as funny as it was in the moment, but I was rolling on the floor and feeling deeply grateful for having friends that make me laugh.

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