Maybe Just A Little

The boys have been away for nine days now. Do I miss them?

Maybe just a little.

Loony caught me looking at baby videos last night.

You have to watch it to the end. I die.

It’s such a treat seeing these old movies. Even though the boys were very young, their personalities were already very strongly established.

Jeff, my favorite housemate, just had his second baby a couple days ago. You can see that he was getting ready for that job long before he met his wife.

I’ve been having/attending lots of happy hours with the kids gone but I have to say that none of them have quite the feel of the one in the video.

Loony cut me off after about 15 videos and said we can’t watch them all night.

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Sheissehund gets to come

Loony and I have been enjoying our break from full-on parenthood. It’s interesting how many of our old habits came back without the kids around. I go to The Cup with him in the morning and have coffee, something I never do otherwise. We spend time on the porch together. We watch solidly rated-R films.

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I liked A Single Man more but this was interesting

I think that the most tangible difference is that I don’t feel like I have deadlines looming over me. I don’t feel rushed to go to the gym, or get a project done, or do errands by a certain time because the kids will be getting out of school/coming home/etc. It’s very relaxing.

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We enjoyed this lovely shaksouka for dinner on the porch one evening

My kids wouldn’t be that much work if I 1) didn’t care about what they ate, 2) didn’t care how the house looked, 3) didn’t care if they were wearing dirty clothes, 4) didn’t care if they were on their electronics all the time.

But I do care about all those things, tremendously, so I own my choices and try to be happily resolute. And as much as I miss my kids, I know that they are having more fun at camp than they would at home.

My only hope is that they are having a great time. I want them to love camp and to want to go back, not just because it’s nice having a summer break of my own, but because I think that being away from parents and in the company of other kids – with only nature around them – can be a profoundly transformative experience.

I wouldn’t mind going up for dinner and campfire time, though.

I’ve been busying myself with projects and hanging out with my fur babies. Loony cleaned up the backyard and I fixed up the porch.

I’ve also been thinking about my puppy. I checked in with the breeder today and found out that the mama her litter last night. There was one male and two females and one of the pups is very small and may not survive. This litter may not be in the cards for me.

HOWEVER, there are two other mamas due in a week or so and I can get on the list for one of their babies. I’ve been mulling over names.

While my first choice is a male, if I get a female her name will be Daisy. There are no other options.

My male options are: Rooster (although I’m just asking for a troublemaker with a name like that), Truffle (does that sound pretentious?) Beau/Bowie (is it weird to name a dog after a rock star?) and Reggie. As you can see, the male names are problematic. Maybe that’s the universe’s way of telling me I should have a female.

That and the current Daisy (the yellow chick) is probably a rooster.

All that is certain is that Sideboob will drive out to Montana with me to pick him/her up.

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We’ve had a lot of guests since the boys have been off at camp. Electra spent the night.

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Devon and Shelly visited.

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And one of Loony’s high school friends spent the night with her daughter, he hadn’t seen her in over 30 years. We also have a new housemate. She’s only here for a month as she settles into Boulder but my point is that it has been far from quiet.

I’m also working my way through My Favorite Thing Is Monsters. I’m largely unfamiliar with graphic novels and this one is disjointed in a way that requires me to be loose with idea of how stories unfold. Oftentimes I check the page to see if somehow I’ve gotten out of order.

I don’t love it, but I am curious.

The author has a story to tell and fascinating insights. I am unsure of how to consume the book … as a narrative that goes from page to page in long sittings in an orderly fashion, or in small bites where I stop and meditate on a couple pages and walk away?

This is something else I’ve been thinking about …

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It’s self-help 101 but I’ve been thinking about it and a friendship that I ended several years ago. I don’t want the friendship back, it had run its course, but the straw that broke the camel’s back is that I couldn’t be around her given some big life changes she was going through.

She was leaving her husband and I was unable to be in the same room with her without judging every single choice she made. Harshly. Unfairly.

I know now and I knew then that at the heart of it was my own self-loathing around how my marriage ended. Even with that knowledge I couldn’t be around her struggle and be compassionate, it unleashed hell inside me. It consumed me. I could not separate my past struggle and her current one. It wasn’t fair but it was true.

Yes, I told her this and there were a number of more practical reasons why I wanted out, but I still think about it and wish I had done it better. I don’t know if she was in a place where she could have taken no for an answer no matter what I said, but I wounded her by withdrawing and at a time when she was very vulnerable. I am deeply sorry for that.

At this point I don’t want to open up the wound nor do I want to leave an opening for the friendship to return, it was flawed in many other ways. Some recent interactions revealed her red hot anger and hurt … let’s just say she didn’t seem to be in the mood to accept any other reality than I’m a deranged-bitch-monster. So be it. Maybe I was.

But if you are reading, I’m sorry and I hope you are surrounded by better friends than me.

I’ll set that aside and think about today. AB and Mo are coming over for some woman time (I refuse to embrace “girls’ night” and “girls’ weekends” and “girl-talk” because damnit, I’m a grown-ass woman and I wouldn’t have it any other way.) Maybe Ev will show up, too. I invited my new housemate, she arrived last night looking to start over in Boulder after ending a 25 year marriage. She might like a little porch time to soften her landing.

 

 

 

2 thoughts on “Maybe Just A Little

  1. I have always loved the way you write. I remember reading stuff you wrote back when you were 19 yrs old. You have a gift. I love the way you described your break up with an old friend. The videos of your kids are precious. Enjoy your 4th

  2. Oh I forgot to mention…you might want to have more than one name picked out for your new puppy. What happens when you meet your new family member and their personality doesn’t fit the name?Just saying…..

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