I just dropped an Oxy and it says it takes 20 minutes to reach full strength so I’m going to write this as fast as I can because I’m guessing that blogging on it is like drunk posting to the max.

For the record, I would really like it if the painkillers didn’t make me spacey. It’s interesting for about an hour but after that I’m want my brain back. Hopefully the doctor is right and I can stop taking the hard narcotics after 48 hours. Why do people think that prescription meds are fun?

Anyway, I DID IT! Well, Dr. Kuisle and his team did it but I’m back home and feeling surprisingly okay. I can tell that the local anesthetic is still working so check back with me at 2AM and see how happy I am.

So I got up at midnight, 2AM, 2:30AM, 4:14AM, 5:00AM and 5:30AM in time for my 6:30 check-in. I had anxiety dreams about having another baby that I left at the hospital and needed to pick up and I was like, “Sorry baby, oh fuck, I have another kid?!” Yeah. A little stress.

But I showered and did the thing with the special cleansers and wipes and I left notes all over the house for Loony and the kids. He dropped me off at the Avista Surgery Center (AKA: plastics only and NO SICK PEOPLE) and I was ready to go.

Robe and PJS FTW

I signed in and waited for Sandy to get me.

Sandy took me to a my room where she went over some details (who is picking me up, allergies, spell my name, what’s my birthday, etc.), started my IV and put compression socks on me.

Heated blanket and wheely thing

Shower cap

Compression garments

I really liked Sandy. I get chatty when I’m nervous so she talked to me about everything until my anesthesiologist showed up. I really liked him, too. He went over all the details about my procedure, not just the knocking me out part.

He talked about all the safety protocols in place. For instance, he monitors my pulse (natch) but also my brain waves so he can see what’s going on in there (if only he knew) and monitors the air coming out of me to see how much of the anesthesia is absorbed as well as my CO2 levels so he can make sure I am under and safe. He broke it all down, first the Zofran, then the gas, then the ….

I couldn’t believe how patient he was, I don’t think I could repeat myself over and over like that every day. I thought anesthesiologists did crossword puzzles during surgeries.

He left and the jitters set in as I waited for Doctor Kuisle. I couldn’t focus enough to read and even otters on IG weren’t enough to distract me. Sandy checked in on me and asked me how I was doing; I told her that I was ready for the sleepy part to happen. She laughed and said, “All women are like that, we are looking for any good reason to rest for a minute.”

Dr. Kuisle arrived and had me stand on a stool so he could mark me up with a pen and we were off to the races. It’s kind of strange but I remember being wheeled down the hall and going into the operating room but I honestly don’t remember anything after that.

I woke up in the recovery room with Sandy at my side.

I dozed for a bit, I was super loopy. I texted people that I was okay but it was hard to focus and type so I kept it short. I put a podcast on and drifted in and out of sleep.

Sandy offered me toast after a bit so I could take Motrin. Let me just say that Sandy can cook the hell out of toast.

Best toast ever

My anesthesiologist checked on me as well as my surgeon. I asked him how it went, he said, “Perfect. You will have a rounder belly button and a very svelt figure.”

That’s what I like to hear.

I didn’t bother with asking him how much fat he sucked out because 1) he told me that it wasn’t going to be a ton because I’m not that heavy and B) I was injected with a saline solution to assist in the process of sucking the fat out so part of it is water anyway. And I don’t like to be demanding.

You know, authority issues.

Sandy asked me to use the bathroom to make sure that everything is working down there and then called Sideboob. They went over all my post operative care together which included learning about this thing …

The compression garment and pain killers cause people to breathe shallowly so I use this each hour to make sure I’m taking deep breaths. Cool, no?

… and we were on our way.

Speaking of compression garment, here is what it looks like …

Very medical

There is a 1/3rd inch closed cell foam pad underneath. I’m huge.

I will leave the garment on for five days (Monday) when I’ll have my post-op and they will take it off and I will cry at how bruised and swollen I look.

I set up at home in my easy chair, I was stoked to get back to sleep. I got super nauseated for a second – I thought I was going to hurl – but it passed and hasn’t come back since. But I’m keeping a bucket by the chair just incase.

I was told to sleep at a 45 degree angle until the post-op. Yay La-Z-Boy!

I’m surprisingly mobile, it’s really the pain meds that make walking challenging. Like I said, I’m not feeling any pain due to the locals. I have been encouraged to move around hourly. Sideboob was surprised at how okay I seem.

Even being post surgery won’t stop her from trolling me with my cat; that’s why I love her. She’s hanging out with me because I should not be left alone for 24 hours should I fall or forget what meds I took.

I have another nursing team, too.

Ice packs to keep my belly cold, tiny dog to keep my crotch hot

My big baby

I have the best soundtrack to zone out to – the sound of drywallers. I swear I’m falling in love with my contractor. His team hits it and quits it. What one person says will take 40 hours to do, his crew takes a half a day.

Drywall. Boom!

Getting it done

Floor is next

I love the sound of shit getting done.

Kri stopped by yesterday to give me this candle she got at the penis museum in Iceland …

It’s a little on the small side if you know what I mean

I’m not sure why she thought that I absolutely had to have it. I mean, I’ve written endless posts about how much I love boobies (and I motorboat her at every opportunity) but I don’t think I’ve written a single one about peen.

HOWEVER, it makes me smile which is great and EVEN BETTER it totally freaks my kids out so THANK YOU KRI! Imma burn this one down.