Not Suitable for Public Consumption


You must be able to code switch on a dime if you are going to be a sensible housewife by day and mid-life crisis/hot mess by night. I sense I’m slipping in that area.

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I am fluent in well-connected, community-minded, school-volunteering mom-talk and ratchet blogger-ese. Here’s another one for you Dad.

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This morning my contractor called me, presumably about the drywalling which is supposed to start today.

Scratch that, ABSOLUTELY MUST START TODAY.

I gave it a 75% chance that he would do what all most contractors do which is fire up the excuse machine about why shit is not going to go the way he promised.

So when he said, “My drywallers will be showing up between two and three o’clock,” and not a litany of completely predictable reasons why they can’t/won’t show up, I was all super porny like, “Uhn. Baby, I love it when you talk that way.”

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Contractor: Excuse me?

Me: Sorry, that was me being inappropriate. My bad.

Contractor: Soooo, between two and three o’clock then?

And we went on to iron out some details. I gotta cut that shit out.

I mean, it’s probably bad enough that I walk around the neighborhood talking in full seduction mode all sotto voce to Mr. Bates.

Baby, the way your butt looks when you walk is a thing of beauty. I love how fat you are, you are the most beautiful, masculine, fat cat I have ever known. You are hot, throbbing, feline man meat. Your muscles ripple under your fur like the jungle animal that you are. I feel about you the way a woman feels about a man …

I have problems.

I blame my pole friends. I hosted Derick Pierson and Jordan Kensley this weekend for the 2017 Colorado Pole Championship and hanging out with them was 1) seriously fun, and B) not conducive to me being appropriate … ever.

I could blow by blow it but I’m tired.

Let’s just say that Derick and Jordan are like the most fun people ever. I’ll let pictures and video do the talking except I don’t have video for when Derick read my post on blowing up Irmingard’s Tinder account and he was laughing so hard and it made me so happy inside.

Everyone should be that amused by me.

Snail

They are always down for doing stupid human tricks

We went to Chris’s house for their first evening here. Chris has a DOOOPE house with a beautiful rooftop deck.

Derick is [very famous person that you have 100% heard of] friend and because of privacy issues I cannot say who it is but he told me about a party that [this person’s equally famous sibling] had that he was not allowed into because of sibling rivalry.

[very famous person that you have 100% heard of] wasn’t having it and insisted he come in which led to a dance-off with the offended sibling where he was instructed to “shut him/her down.”

I wish I had videoed the whole thing and the quality was better but you are just going to have to believe me when I say that it was the best story ever.

Then he did a bunch of hand balancing stuff to send to Nadia because I was actively trying to provoke her, because provocation is my language of love.

Did I mention that Derick is a contortionist and does ALL THE APPARATUSES?

Yeah, he was fun. But more fun than Derick is Derick plus Jordan. Especially when they discovered Chris’s bathtub.

For someone who made a career on being the sexy one, she’s really adorable.

We were all pretty high – on life! – and the evening turned into one big dream photo shoot for me where I got them to do practically anything and they didn’t seem all that annoyed with me, even when I told Jordan to take her shirt off and rub her boobies all over the sheepskin because it feels so goood.

Shoot

I told him to channel a 16 year-old who has just been given a convertible for his birthday

Work It

Tiger!  You’re a sexy tiger! ROWR!

Shaina Cruea was supposed to stay with me but that squirrel thing so I didn’t get to see nearly as much of her as I wanted to.

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Shaina has the most unbelievable body

As usual, we all had brunch at Snooze, home of the best French toast in the world.

Their Oh My God French toast that is to die for. I don’t like sweet things for breakfast but this stuff is the shit. I had to video Jordan’s face as she took the first bite.

Jordan was supposed to stay with Shaina at Daisy’s but she was like, “Fuck that! I’ll sleep on the couch!”

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Blue kept her company

Shaina guest performed at the competition, she was spectacular as expected. She’s such a lovely person and so sweet.

Shaina

She’s my amazon dream

I got to feel like Shaina later that night when I was with Stitch and we decided to swap clothes.

Big and Little

Derick and I talked about sewing with stretch fabrics, how to release my psoas, dogs, his career (which is fascinating) Mongolian contortion handstands, life changing experiences and teachers, and just about everything else. I love him.

He has the best sense of humor and true joie de vivre.

Jordan is my cat and chicken soulmate. She and I sat next to each other on the porch and pulled up our favorite cute cat/chicken websites. She 100% got my lust for Mr. Bates.

She tried to score with That Fucking Cat but you know how that goes.

Kitsy

Side note, I noticed the neighbor girls creeping up to my gate and they managed to snatch both Bates and TFC, carry them over to the bench in front of the Poulet Rouge and cuddle them.

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Bates wasn’t 100% into it but he put up with them for a while before he jumped off her lap. The sheer force of his leap pushed her backwards off the bench (it’s a soft landing) and she giggled uncontrollably as she rolled onto her feet. It was adorable.

It’s primo Poulet Rouge time with so many “customers” for Itchy to see to.

The porch was the center of the universe, especially since my house had a horrible smell in it. I thought that the commercial dehumidifier was making the air smell like nasty fish, but it was A DEAD CHIPMUNK BEHIND THE COUCH!

What is it with woodland rodents ruining my life?

The Colorado Pole Championship itself was great with the women’s division performing better than they ever had in the past. I’ll post videos when they come on-line.

Now that everyone is gone I have to go back to my ho-hum existence of hot, shirtless bitches cooking for me.

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Mancakes and Stitch buttering cinnamon rolls

I was feeling sentimental about my youth with Marcia, my spirit mom. I remembered how she took me grocery shopping and everything was on the table, it was a feeling of such abundance. I treated Stitch to a Whole Foods shopping spree.

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Pate, check. Stinky cheese, check. Fruit, check. Olives, check

This is a seduction meal for sure. Mancakes and Barely legal needed an education on how to seduce a lady with food. Heavy cuts of meat won’t do it.

For the record, I didn’t smash with anyone that night. I was super tired from staying up late for the pole competition and reciting all the words to Bring It On by heart with Jordan and Derick who are pretty much everything I would ever want in friends. Plus Sideboob.

In all honesty, all I wanted to do was drag my ass home and climb into bed with Loony because he’s my man in the deepest, most soulful sense of the word. I mean, who would do this just for fun?

Oh, and this is funny. I was looking for an article on roosters and saw one titled “Six Reasons Why Roosters Are a Good Idea” but it couldn’t maintain the lie and got terribly real about how roosters are loud, obnoxious, violent, asshole rapists.

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Dude, it’s hilarious. Roosters pretty much suck, but here is Trevor with Radish’s babies. I call them Pumpkin and Daisy …

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I’m sure they are both roosters

Okay, I’m done and my contractor just arrived with a bunch of tools. Swoon!

 

4 thoughts on “Not Suitable for Public Consumption

  1. Once again, I wish I were you. But then again, I’m so uptight that I wouldn’t be nearly as much fun as you are. It would be a waste. THANK YOU for doing all you do!!

    • The pleasure is all mine. I never thought of my escapades as me doing something for the good of all, but I’ll take it. I see life as an exercise in doing improv, you have to be ready to roll with what is given to you.

  2. Pingback: Lipo Part 2: The Night Before | Vivienne's Process of Elimination

  3. Pingback: Empty Nest Syndrome | Vivienne's Process of Elimination

Really? No way.

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