Swipe left, right, up, down … it’s all the same right?


I’ve been managing the drying out and rebuilding of the rooms affected by the squirrel damage (2nd floor guest room wall, ceiling and floor, Itchy’s room, the third floor rental, and the first floor bathroom). When it first came to light I thought it would be a small matter of patching the roof and replacing a few feet of drywall.

Life was simpler back then.

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Water and fire are the two worst things that can happen to a house. Water is insidious, it gets behind a wall and does a load of damage before you even know it is there. Fire doesn’t give you a chance to think. I’ve had both happen to me.

We messed around with looking for handymen (and I had a run-in with a suuuper sketchy one that Blue hated) and then realized that this was going to be an insurance claim fo’ sho.

Things actually got easier once we came to terms with the scope of the job. We got let off the hook with all the cleaning, scheduling, etc., and put the job in the hands of ServiceMaster and another company the specializes in insurance work.

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The problem is that the Colorado Pole Championship is Saturday (you better fucking go) and I always host the judges. It’s my favorite thing! But with us suddenly being down two bedrooms and with my first floor guest room being taken by a guest who was supposed to be in the 2nd floor room … it’s tricky. And stressful.

And bad sounds are coming from my house.

That’s the sound of drywall and/or floors getting demo’ed. Sux.

But I’ve got my girls coming around to keep my happy. Bina showed up this morning to charge her computer and bum some food.

Both she and I are eating a ton. She says it’s her period, I’m pretty sure mine is stress related.

Heather texted me to see if I was nervous about my upcoming lipo and I was like, Huh? Lipo what? Let me list all the shit that is stressing me out. Compared to that, lipo sounds like a vacation.

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The silver lining is that those deviled eggs (and dumplings, and bread, and brie, and Dairy Queen, and wine) will get sucked out on Wednesday. That’s how it works, right?

I really wanted to cut back on the drinking but you know what? It ain’t happening right now.

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Pub night at Tabby’s mit crotch dog

Tabby turned a room in her house into a pub and she said she wants pubby tchotckies and art for decoration. Loony overheard this and he has been on a mission.

There is nothing he loves more than going into a thrift store like a deal-seeking shopping missile.

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*out OF control

This fills me with immeasurable glee, kinda like listening to Loony micromanage someone else in the kitchen (aka not me) and I can delight in seeing someone else experience how fucking frustrating he can be.

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So when we rolled up to Tabby’s with framed needlepoint that says “Skiing!” a pastel sketch of a deer, some pewter mugs that looked like horns and a gigantic beer stein, I was giggling to myself.

I don’t think Tabby realizes that while it is easy to turn on Loony’s shopping it’s nearly impossible to turn it off.

I’m also staving off late night panic attacks by looking for funny things on the internet. This made me laugh …

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Let’s see, what else?

Oh, so the other night I finally got to play with Tinder (Dad, it’s the casual sex hook-up dating app) because a visiting friend of mine is on it.

Essentially you set your preferences (age, gender, etc) and it shows you pictures of people in your area who are also looking. And it tells you how close they are.

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You swipe right for people you like and left for people you don’t. If you swipe right on someone who has swiped right for you, you have a match and can text each other to meet up and immediately have sex have a meaningful relationship.

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If you swipe down (I think) you can look at more pictures and if you swipe up it means you “super like” the person.

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Me and my friend BEFORE I ruined her dating life

So my friend let me swipe around but I was like left, right, which one is which? and then I swiped up which earned the “super like” and all of the sudden her phone started blowing up.

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“I will eat you out 2+ hours” but not looking for hook-ups? Okaaaay pizza guy.

“Oh my god! What are you doing?!”

She told me about a nice date she had with a French dude from Tinder (she said it was a real date, no sex) and she really liked him so of course I wanted to see a picture so she pulled up his Instagram feed and I was scrolling through it looking for pictures of him –of which there very few – so I had to scroll waaay down and then I accidentally double tapped the picture which sent him an alert that she was scrolling through is pictures at midnight and liked a picture of him way down his feed.

This doesn’t seem weird to me, what’s wrong with liking someone’s picture from two years ago? I guess it means that you are a crazy stalker.

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She started screaming, “OH MY GOD WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING? THAT GUY COULD HAVE BEEN MY HUSBAND AND NOW HE THINKS I’M A CRAZY STALKER LADY!!”

Me: Unlike it then! Just double tap it again and it will go away!

Crazy Stalker Lady: But he’s going to get the notification that I liked it. And then unliked it. FUCK! I just liked it again, goddamn it!

Me: Blame me! When you see him again and if he brings it up, just tell him that you were showing your super old friend how Instagram works because she heard about it on NPR and wanted to know what kids are up to these days and then she (I) had a seizure while looking at his lovely photography (although I liked a selfie he took and not one of the hundreds of his landscapes) and you will get a good laugh. And get married.

Crazy Stalker Lady: I’m sure that’s exactly what will happen.

She went back to New York and sent me this message …

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Here’s a photo of Scheissehund’s leg. He’s chewing his fur off and I think the drugs I have him on might be working so I’m putting a picture here for future reference.

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I think I see some peach fuzz

I was in the studio glazing today. At least something is going right.

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3 thoughts on “Swipe left, right, up, down … it’s all the same right?

  1. I have been out of town for two weeks so wasn’t able to keep up on your blog. Are you really getting lipo???? I think your friend should write her future husband and explain what happened……..

    • Yep, I’m doing it. I’m getting my belly button fixed so it’s one of those “while you’re at it …” kind of things. I’m pretty stoked. I had a dream about my surgeon last night only he was a dentist and we were cooking dinner and my sons’ tutor was there and she said he was her most trusted confidant. So there’s that.

      Irm can show the blog to her future French husband if that ever comes to fruition. I’m seriously glad I’m not dating, I think I would be really bad at it.

  2. Pingback: Not Suitable for Public Consumption | Vivienne's Process of Elimination

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