Tastes Like Squirrel


You know how in movies the hero will have a really horrible day and collapse into bed but it will take a second for her to relax? That was totally me a minute ago.

The day I’ve had.

It started at 6am when I went to Irmingard’s room to wake her up for her flight. Irm was visiting from NYC, she’s one of my pole dancing friends who was in town for a wedding and taught some workshops.

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Irmingard gives the best hair in the industry next to Steven

I have a really great story about me ruining her Tinder account because I didn’t know that swiping up means super like and other things. But I’ll save that. The relevant thing is that at 6am she said, “Hey, something happened last night,” and proceeded to show me this …

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The fuck???

Water came through the ceiling and was dripping into a trash can she put underneath it. What you see is the latex paint all stretched out like a giant zit.

We just had a snowstorm and there was a lot of run-off from the melt so we assumed that the roof was leaking. It was in the vicinity of a problem area we were keeping our eye on. I put in an early morning call to my guy and figured it would eventually stop because all the snow had melted by then.

Then I found out that poor Blue pooped in his bed a little when he was getting up. He’s getting incontinent, it’s happening, and Loony and I are both trying to help him as much as we can and don’t want to face up to some really difficult realities.

But shelve that because when José came by around 1:00 to look at the situation, he didn’t think it had anything to do with the snow.

“There’s no more snow, why is it still dripping?” He had a point.

I shrieked at Loony to come home and deal with this and between him and José and a whole mess of sodden drywall, they got to the bottom of it.

It was squirrels.

Those little fuckers chewed a hole in the eave of the house and got in, made a nest and then decided to go to town on our plastic water pipes.

I hate them will every ounce of my being. Why the hell would anything chew through plastic?!

It sucks that it happened right on the heels of a storm; that coincidence that slowed my response time. Had I known at 6am that it was a pipe we would have known to shut down the water. I’m just glad that Irm was in there because had she not, it could have been days before I set foot in that room.

While Loony, the Austrian and José dug around in the eave on the third floor, I was on the phone with the insurance adjuster while hauling sodden drywall and insulation out in garbage bags and furiously mopped the floors. I wanted to minimize the damage as much as possible.

By 7:00 I was itchy from the fiberglass, dirty and really crabby. And sad about Blue. Loony has always been Mr. Tough Guy about Blue – talking about no heroics and all that – but now that push comes to shove, his stance is much softer.

“I can clean up after him. He’s such a good boy, it’s the least I can do.”

Blue tries to get us out of bed in time, but sometimes he just doesn’t make it.

 

 

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He walked that one out. I’m really glad we own a carpet cleaner

 

 

I’m really exhausted by it. No matter what we do things are going to suck for a while and I’m probably going to be the person who makes the final decision about Blue because I don’t think Loony can.

And then there is the water damage thing.

I’m tired of adulting. The only levity I got was from messaging with Stitch. I sent her a picture.

Screen Shot 2017-05-01 at 8.26.45 PMScreen Shot 2017-05-01 at 8.27.18 PMI’m serious, this is war. I’ve been kicking around an idea about squirrel. Boulderites are so into their locavore, free-range, wild caught, free-foraging meat, why not squirrel?

I’ve seen those dummies shell out $10 for $2 worth of repackaged chicken stock (now labeled “Bone Broth”) so why not trap squirrels and turn them into tasty sausage? I wouldn’t be lying to say they were free-range, wild caught, blah, blah. It would be the damn truth.

I bet I can talk Mancakes into cooking some for me. He texted me a picture of a beheaded animal. I’ve obscured the image for my delicate readers.

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I’ve never had squirrel but a little internet search turned this up …Screen Shot 2017-05-01 at 8.37.06 PM

And did you know …Screen Shot 2017-05-01 at 8.36.15 PM

1.7 million people?!? I am seriously missing out. We have so many fat squirrels running around our house, we might never have to buy meat again.

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I’m serious, I’m going to do it. This guy has lots of really good looking recipes, too.

8 thoughts on “Tastes Like Squirrel

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  4. I haaaaaaatttteeeeee squirrels on such a deep level that people buy me squirrel stuff all the time. (This is what happens when you are known for something.) If I get a chance I’ll let you now my latest squirrel debacle, which wasn’t as expensive as yours looks, but did involve a trip to the vet and very sick pup – something you can relate to. Squirrels, or black eyed bastards from hell. as I like to call them.

Really? No way.

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