Mo money mo problems (but with puke and shit)

Sideboob knows exactly when a text will turn into a blog post. She was one of my very first readers so I guess she knows me better than almost anyone when it comes to predicting my blogging habits.

I’m positive she knew this one would be blog fodder when it happened …

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Yeah. Bate threw up an entire rabbit. I took a picture but it’s fucking disgusting. I’ll put it at the very bottom of this post and you can decide whether you want to see it or not although I’ll just say that the acid test of our friendship is whether or not you can cope with pictures like that.

I showed it to MLE over lunch today and she kind of chuckled and said, “I think I can see a foot!”

I make an exception for Sideboob. She’s young and hasn’t had kids (although she’s nannied but it’s different when they are your own) so I’ll give her a pass on gross-out stuff. I feel that you have to have a person come out of you to truly get you over being squicked out by gore. At least it helps.

That Bates is trouble. Also showing up on my messages today is this delightful missive from Tabby …

Heather

Don’t tell Tabby but I actually saw Heather today. I’m having a surgical procedure in a week and Heather is my moral support, she went to my pre-op with me today.

Do you remember when I went over to MPT’s house and freaked out over my belly button and she said either fix it or get over it? I decided to fix it.

It turns out that my doctor, even though he did the procedure ten years ago, will fix it for free … at least his fee is free, I still have to pay the Avista facility use fee, and I figured that while he’s in there, why not take care of those lumpy parts on my stomach and those stubborn love handles.

Do you see where this is heading?

Tell Lonny

Heather is my emotional support person, which I don’t feel like I really need but you never know. These things can be an emotional rollercoaster.

Like today, the most traumatizing part of the appointment was taking the before pictures. Seriously, I think they may be more disturbing than the barfed up bunny but in the interest of full disclosure, here goes …

April 25, 2017 BEFORE

Heather felt bad for me having to pose for these

Ugh. I look so much better with my clothes on. And I’m not kidding myself, I’m not going to turn into Jessica Alba (before kids) but I would love to get rid of some of those lumps and squishy parts that will not budge. Like the part above my tummy tuck scar, and the love handles.

I’ve gone back an forth on whether to do it or not. Whether to accept defeat or not. Whether to be okay with the ravages of age. And then I saw this at the gym …

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The stuff in color are my editorials

TRANSFORM YOUR ENTIRE BODY IN JUST SIX WEEKS!!! TAKE MY MONEY!!!!

Hahahahaha! Fuck you.

You know what I do? I skip breakfast, I have lunch of vegetable soup with tofu or a big salad, I try not to pig out at dinner, I do hard cardio four hours a week and lift weights four days a week. I don’t drink soda, I don’t have a secret affinity for chocolate and candy, dessert is a rare treat in my house.

I SNACK ON NUTS AND FRESH FRUIT FFS!

I live anything but a sedentary life but those fat deposits aren’t going anywhere. My body is getting dumpy but I feel younger in my heart than ever.

I cannot – will not – work out more. Six hours a week of sweating balls is enough, on top of being so kinetic that my BFF says I’m like Tony Robins on speed.

I would like a body that I feel good in, is that asking so much?

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And I’ve always hated my bellybutton since having kids and my surgeon is going to round it out so it doesn’t look like a wrinkled coin slot.

Believe me, I’ve thought long and hard about this and I’ve thought even more about whether I want to blog about it.

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When you look online for any info about liposuction, you see the before pictures and the pictures taken six months after the procedure but there is never anything in-between. It’s those days and weeks after the surgery that concern me.

At my pre-op the nurse wanted to know if I had any questions.

How about what will I look like after five days when they take the dressings off? Is going to look horrible initially? Will I be bruised? Where? Will I be swollen? How much? I need to know! Will there be scars? What will they look like?

Happiness is all about managing expectations but how can I do that if I never get to actually see what it will look like during various stages of recovery if there is no way for me to know what to expect besides vague language?

I know that people are reticent to put anything but beautiful photos of themselves on the internet. I know that surgeons might not book as many procedures if people realize how difficult it’s going to be, but I believe in informed consent. I got blindsided by unrealistic expectations after my tummy tuck and I don’t want that to happen to me again. In the absence of someone doing it for me, I’ll do it for everyone else.

It’s gonna get ugly y’all, at least in the beginning. But I’ve always been a warts and all kind of person. My hope is not that I will suddenly be skinny (although that would be okay) I would like to be less lumpy.

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Dr. Kuisle said that he’s not going to take much fat out (he doesn’t think I have that much) but he will shape and contour my abs and back and said I could expect a 60% improvement. I’ll take it.

Don’t tell me to get some Spanx because my lumps are hard. Even Dr. K remarked on how solid my abs are. I’m not fat, I’m strong. I’m in good physical condition and I’m 45. It sucks.

So I’ll keep blogging about this, please be nice or keep it to yourself. Don’t make me regret being an open and honest person because it would be just as easy to do this on the down-low and chalk up my new shape to Cross-fit or going Paleo or someshit.

Here’s that picture of the rabbit Bates barfed up (scroll down if you really want to see it, but be warned, it’s super gross)

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It was one of three piles. Aren’t cats great?

 

 

3 thoughts on “Mo money mo problems (but with puke and shit)

  1. Okay that picture was nasty, but nothing I can’t handle. And I applaud you for sharing your surgical experience and facing it head on, rather than from a naive place! I miss you and am looking forward to catching up one of these days (when I’m not working 110% and doing major home renovations all at once)!

  2. Ha! Aren’t pets the best? Always leaving us such nice… presents. I am way, way behind on my blog reading so just catching up now. Good for you for putting it all out there!

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