Vagina Mono-dog

I haven’t written about my vag in a long time.

I’m thinking about my vag because today I got a massage from Boobzilla and Scheissehund decided to park himself right in there.


He was a real dick about it, too.

I asked Boobzilla to work on my glutes and hip flexors but as Loony will attest, Scheissehund is a real crotch protector.

He does not like anyone but him near my crotch, so kept snarling and biting her hand, kinda like this little asshole …

I’m just like the owner in the video, and Scheissehund is just like Leon only he’s not aggressive about food, he’s aggressive about crotch.

You know what I was thinking? I was thinking that Scheissehund’s best case scenario would be backing his way up into my vagina, like his whole body, with only his nose poking out for fresh air.

In essence, my vagina would be like a small garage for a small dog, like this …


… except my vagina is much smaller than this one-car garage. Obviously.

I’m kind of obsessed with this idea. I mean, how cool would it be to be able to carry my dog in my vagina? I could sneak him into movies, restaurants, airplanes and amusement park rides.

Also, because it would be tight in there, he wouldn’t be able to move much. And if he started squirming I could Kegel him into submission. I could write a best selling book about restoring vaginal tone by doing dog assisted Kegels.

Training with kegel weights is so passé. It’s all about chiweenie training.


It would be all the rage.

I got on this whole vagina thing because of National Public Radio. I was listening to Wait Wait Don’t Tell Me and they did their Bluff the Listener piece and it was about beer made from strange stuff and … well, here’s the transcript.

Screen Shot 2017-04-05 at 5.12.01 PM

Vagina beer. To be specific, Vagina Mono-lager.

It’s an actual thing. I don’t like beer, or vaginas (other than my own) but I bet I know someone who would like it.

It’s called Yoni, obv.

Vagina Monologue

Vagina Mono-lager

Vagina Monodog

I’m just bummed because Sideboob is driving around France with Mz. Krikri.


Why isn’t that meeeeeee?????

I love them both and am super happy for them and hope they have an amazing time but I also hope that they can’t sleep for shit in the same bed together and kind of get on each other’s nerves and fight about stupid stuff and can’t agree on anything so next time Sideboob will only consider traveling with me.

Just kidding.

Not really.

Well kinda.



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