I Like My Coffee With Scream

I think My Parasitic Twin is my muse.

Hear me out. She’s nothing like me but speaks my language, she gets me out of writing slumps, she provides me with endless fodder, and in a really strange way she inspires me.

I’ve been pretty ticked off at her lack of availability lately. I’ve shown up on several occasions to find her missing in action. The fuck.

Today I finally cornered her after I dropped Loony off at the park-n-ride, hit the gym and showed up at her door fully caffeinated and ready to go.

Naturally she was in her blue bathrobe and was looking kinda surly. It’s not good when overly chipper meets sleepy.

“Well look who’s here,” she said in kind of a snippy way as if I’m the one off at Beaver Creek and Vail every damn second.

So I plopped my ass down on the chair opposite her while Scheissehund proceeded to pee on every bit of her furniture (fortunately that fucker was wearing a diaper) and took a crap next to her Roomba. I considered leaving it there for the next cleaning cycle.

Naturally this led to a conversation about our pets and it almost immediately pivoted to how long it would take for our pets to eat us should we die in the house.


I was of the mind that yes, my cats would eat the shit out of me but the dogs? No. They would never.

Of course we immediately started fighting about it so I decided to end the fight (aka win) by Googling “Do dogs eat their dead owners?”

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The internet is an amazing resource.

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I didn’t expect to get shut down so fast. MPT wasted no time taking a victory lap and was all, “I can see these fucking assholes eat me in a heartbeat.” Drops mic.


After that she had me on my heels which culminated in me attempting to get the fuck out of there while she took the coat I was wearing (one of Loony’s ratty numbers) and held it up to me.

“This,” she said shaking the coat in my face, “is garbage,” and dropped the coat on the floor and kicked it to me. Sauvage.


I walked in there this morning thinking that I was going to kick ass and take names but she kinda handed me mine. In the end I still got what I came for.


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