Everyone Says I Need More Cock

… except Loony but who cares what he thinks.

Yesterday my phone blew up with people texting me pictures and videos of this bad motherfucker.

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Yes, I went there with the penis reference. OF COURSE I WENT THERE! WHEN DO I NOT GO THERE? I’m not alone.

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and …

Fluff DaddyI love how supportive my community is.

Everyone knows me, they know my strange, um, preferences and it’s pretty much fat cats, dick pics (Shimmy sends me the ones that gross dudes on the internet send to her as a feminist act of defiance), and chickens all the time.

My neighbor sent me this article about the removal of a parasitic twin from a 10 month-old baby.

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Let’s see, a 10 month-old baby probably weighs no more than 15 pounds, removing 2 pounds constitutes about 13% of his bodyweight. If I had My Parasitic Twin surgically removed that would put me down about 18 pounds which is definitely PRE PREGNANCY WEIGHT!

MPT, consider yourself on notice.

Holy shit, I just Googled “Parasitic Twin Removal” for a nifty image and … ugh. Never mind that.

Anywho, guess what else people are now indulging me in?

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BOOBIES!

I went into the studio this morning to glaze up a bunch of shit; I was trapped in the glazing room for hours all by myself. LITTLE DID I KNOW that while I was toiling away, a debate was raging over who I was referring to in my blog as having “ginormous titties.”

OBVIOUSLY it was AB because 1) her titties are the biggest and 2) because she’s the only person that I motorboat. But another woman was vying for the title and I was like, “I’ve never motorboated you, but I can start.” And she said, “But not today, I’m wearing an underwire bra and it will poke you in the head.

Fair enough.

You gotta love being in a class full of women who are old enough to have zero fucks to give and one very frightened male TA.

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All that talk of boobies ate up the rest of my studio time so I took a bunch of my works-in-progress home because the studio is closed for Spring Break.

Spring, it’s here. I won’t be at all upset if it decides to snow, but for now I’m making the most out of the nice weather.

Last night Chris texted that he was in town and wanted to get together. I had dinner on the stove so I invited him over and banished the kids to eat in the kitchen while we ate outside.

I’ve known Chris for ages, I met him when I was dating Husband No. 1 and I remember thinking he was an okay guy because of the way he raved about cats while we were walking on The Hill. We were babies back then.

We’ve kept our friendship alive for over 20 years, even visiting him in Acadia where he and his husband have a beautiful estate. But mostly we just act really inappropriately like when we scour the internet for images like this …

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Why the kids aren’t allowed to eat at the grown-up table

That picture never gets old. I cannot look at it without cracking up.

Then I tried sexting him a picture of my boobs and he very tepidly complimented them by saying, “Oh yes, they are very hot. If anyone could make me not gay it’s you, but that’s not saying much,” in a completely robotic and deadpan voice.

WHAT DOES IT TAKE?!

We drank wine and then champagne – which Loony disparaged as tasting “apple juicy” – and I considered drunk blogging but got roped into watching a documentary about bears instead.

You never know where a night will take you.

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I wrote down this extremely important observation while in my state, “Best way to chill champagne and turns into Bill Nye the Science Guy and annoys the shit out of me. That’s why I do all the cooking.”

Oh yeah, Chris needed to chill the champagne and he and Loony got into an argument about the best way to do it.

Seems easy enough to me, bucket + ice + water. But Loony wouldn’t put much ice into the bucket, just a few cubes and a bunch of water so Chris was like, “Could you put some more in there? We need this to get cold,” and Loony was all let me explain to you the ways of science and said, “A bucket of water with one ice cube is as cold as a bucket of water with a hundred ice cubes,” and I was like, “Provided that the water is cold enough to not melt the ice, which that water isn’t because it came out of the tap.” And then it was all thermodynamics all the time and I felt deeply vindicated watching Chris get more and more irritated because let’s face it, he just wanted to drink the motherfucking champagne.

I’M NOT THE CRAZY ONE!

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Loony is the crazy one. That’s why I call him Loony.

Chris talked me into going to a DJ set in Denver on Saturday; it’s an all-nighter. Given that Loony is abandoning me going on a guy’s trip during Spring Break, I might as well stick him with the kids for the night.

Just to clean up my desktop, I thought I’d post this piece of insight regarding the training of small dogs.

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Dude, all this is me. All of it. I guess I got what I deserved.

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Just because I dress him in PJ’s and diapers doesn’t mean I baby him!

Look at this cool nightlight Scratchy made …

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