Incident at Trader Joe’s


I spent all weekend convincing myself that I was not sick even though I’ve been sick for over a week. My illnesses rarely hit me full force. Whilst Itchy was sick as a dog, I was merely feeling a tad off. But it catches up.

I went to a local rally political. Since our representative Cory Gardner isn’t holding any town halls, Boulder held one without him and people asked questions while someone answered on his behalf according to what his staffers have said.

I spent the weekend sewing outfits for Scheissehund (god that is a tricky word to type) in my sun room. The kids knocked around, we went to the library, took some walks, etc. It was low-key.

The Captain showed up yesterday on his bike feeling kind of bored and enlisted Itchy into going biking around the parking garages and getting milk shakes. Cappy and I, though not related, are very much family. We love each other with the deep commitment it takes to hang in there when the other person is pushing all the buttons.

I vacillate between being so pissed I can hardly be in the same room with him and feeling intensely grateful for having him in my life. Between him just showing up to hang out with the boys because he actually likes them, and then riding in his car to meet Loony and the boys at a Mexican joint for dinner while singing along to 80’s music and kinda wanting to just keep driving around all night playing car deejay, well, let’s just say that yesterday was a really good day as far as he and I are concerned.

I’m sure we will go back to hating each other in a few weeks.

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I had a headache all yesterday. I wasn’t sure whether it was the red wine I had at game night or the pestilence brewing inside me. Both Loony and Itchy have it bad, yesterday I couldn’t tell if I was sick or just a little bit hung.

Speaking of hung, I love this movie.

I took a couple Advil PM tablets before I went to bed, I wanted to make sure I got a good night’s sleep. I freaking love any PM medicine. I don’t take them unless I am desperate for sleep because they knock me the fuck out. I’ve only taken them three times because I don’t want to develop any tolerance to the magic.

I woke up this morning and it was bright outside, like fully daytime. The clock read 6:45, holy shit. I dragged out of bed and got the kids off to school. I decided that despite feeling crappy, maybe even because I felt crappy, I should make the effort to put real clothes on and not the sweats I’ve been wearing all weekend.

I thought I might even go over to My Parasitic Twin’s house for a good coffee and scream session.

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Scene from our last coffee and scream session

I love going over there and free associating with her. Some of the shit we talk about is gold only I can’t remember any of it 15 minutes later. We keep talking about videoing our sessions but I fear the camera might inhibit us. Let’s just say that we rip on each other and agree very loudly.

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She tells me that people are surprised when meet her in-person, having only known of her through my blog (because I’m that famous), they are surprised at how normal and chill she is. She’s not spewing profanity like someone with Turret’s and spontaneously queefing. She’s also pissed that I refuse to put any flattering photos of her in my blog.

Her IG account is obnoxious. She only posts pictures of herself that make her look like Barbie. There is none of that shit up in here.

Not on my watch. No sir.

So I made it as far as putting on real clothes and then I passed out on the couch until 10:30 while listening to this.

Listen to this one …

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Boobzilla was in the kitchen when I came to. She was all, “Poor thing, can I do anything for you,” and I was kinda like, “Naw, it feels good to wake up and not be immediately obsessive over getting shit done.”

Soon thereafter I went to the gym and then stopped at Trader Joe’s. They have the best readymade bleu cheese salad dressing out there and Scratchy is addicted.

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It doesn’t taste all sweet and mayonnaissey

I stopped in the pasta aisle when suddenly I felt someone grab my breast.

FOR REAL!

It took a split second for me to figure out what happened. Was it just someone brushing past me? No, because I didn’t feel it anywhere but my breast, and it was definitely a grab.

With smoke coming out my ears I whirled around to kick some fucking ass …

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… and I saw Scotty, cracked up and proceeded to punch him in the chest while people looked on in confusion.

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Seriously, a random man grabs a woman’s breast in the store, she whirls on him, punches him in the chest and then hugs him and they both fall over laughing.

Scotty is a super longtime friend, he used to live in the house back in the bachelor pad days. We even went on a date back when I was 19 or something. His favorite thing to do is fuck with people and since my favorite thing to do is to fuck with people, we get along great.

I used to love watching him fuck with people who came to the door. If you belong here, you just walk in. Only strangers ring the bell and you see, Scotty is kind of imposing.

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The dog detracts from his black menace

Someone would come to the door and he’d let it swing open slowly and say, “Sure is dark on that porch. Ain’t you afraid of getting jumped?” Then when the person stuttered a reply, “Speak up boy! What the hell is wrong with you? Ain’t you never seen a black man before?”

It’s priceless.

Also priceless is this …

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Remember when all restaurants had mudd pie?

So there we are in the middle of Trader Joes, laughing our asses off, hugging and taking shots at each other. The last few days have left me deeply grateful for having friends who are strange, quirky, and keep my life so interesting and rich.

Blue finished the last of his meds and his poop still isn’t quite right. It’s not full-on runs but it’s not normal either. The vet called today to ask what I want to do and I’m not quite sure. I’ll give him a week to see if things sort themselves out before I do anything else. And honestly, what would that be? The senior blood work and abdominal ultrasound that will either tell me that 1) he is okay or 2) is not okay and there is nothing we can do about it.

I’m not in a hurry.

Loony put him on the bed yesterday so he could sleep with us for a little. It makes me wish we had a bigger bed.

Speaking of sick pets, Annibel the Cannibal got her Pinless Peepers. Check it.

She squawked when I put them on but she seems to be doing just fine and going about her business. Hopefully she will leave the other chickens alone from now on.

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The Summer Guest continues to move me.

There truly is nothing better than a good book …

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… and this picture of Scratchy rocking some vintage denim.

Really? No way.

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