I’m All About Fat

It finally snowed!

You’d think I was into winter sports but really, I’m not. I kind of dread winter because I hate shoveling and we have a shit ton of sidewalk here at Chez Frye being that we live on a corner lot.

Loony’s back is still jacked up, my back is pretty much the same as it has been for the last five years (completely fucked) and with snow in the forecast I walked into Home Depot thinking I’d get some shovels for the kids and left with a snowblower.

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It’s battery operated and quiet and easy to use. I was praying for snow … especially since I didn’t tell Loony that I was getting it. What better time to roll out a big purchase than when it is needed, right?

How does it work? Great!

Why is it so dark out? Because I was so excited that I woke up at 5am to test her out … and I like to get to the shoveling before the snow gets trampled down.

I did our walk (twice), the side yard, my neighbor’s walk, and the neighbor across the street who has a corner lot before the battery indicator showed that I was running low on juice. Not bad.

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Tabby sent me this text. She knows what makes me happy.

It isn’t self-propelled so it is still quite a workout to push it but it doesn’t require any of the twisting and heavy lifting that does a number on my back. Woot!

I am so into fat right now. Check out my latest cyberstalking victim.

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Plus sized kitties! Yaaas. Melania better get on this shit tout suite.

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Speaking of cyber bullying, I cyber bullied my boys last night because they were annoying the shit out of me. Scratchy is fixated on this stupid stuffed animal that his cousin won at a fair, which is to say it is a complete piece of shit. It was given to Itchy and, sensing that he might have the upper hand, he likes to lord it over Scratchy. So Scratchy keeps absconding with it when Itchy isn’t looking and it came to a head today.

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Did he ever get pissed about me taking this picture. Hoo boy! He’s lucky I’m not posting the video.

Itchy rightly claimed that it was his while Scratchy claimed that possession is 9/10ths of the law and by that reasoning it belongs to him, because it was last seen in Scratchy’s room.

So they both clung to it for upwards of an hour while yelling at each other. I decided to not get involved, not even to throw the fucking thing in the trash, and pretend that it didn’t bother me. I even poured myself a little scotch which did nothing but give me an instant headache.

Did I mention that Christmas break is nine days away?

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It would be great if I had a huge basement where the kids could battle all day with Nerf guns or $700 to send them to APEX for a parkour camp but that’s not happening either.

I ate dinner with my MIL (Loony was at a meeting), cleared the dishes, and proceeded to obsess about my frog.

I was positive that Naomi (my aquatic African dwarf frog) was going to die because it appeared that she was losing her skin. And she’s massive.

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I had a little panic attack last night so I started googling how to know when your dwarf African aquatic frog is dying.

I found the grim reaper of dwarf African aquatic frog websites.

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Pretty much if you have a frog it’s just days away from dying. This did not help my mental state.

But GOOD NEWS, Naomi is still alive. She just shed her skin, I found it on stuck to a marimo ball. I guess she got so fat that she literally exploded out of her old skin. Go girl!

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That’s what I’m talking about!

I’m all about fat. Fat cats. Fat frogs.

I’m being ACTUALLY STALKED right now. This is me texting My Parasitic Twin.

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I question whether it is okay to post this as it may be construed as mean spirited or shaming my MIL. But it isn’t. Really. I love her. I am caring for her as best I can but I need a little levity – a little release – to help me cope with her dementia. And hell, she’s NEVER going to see this blog.

For some reason she’s stuck at my desk. Just. Sitting. There. And making the same comments about the snow (It looks like it snowed last night) the tree (Have you always had the Christmas tree in here?) the dog portrait (Do you know anything about the artist?) … on repeat.

Did I tell you that it is Christmassy as fuck in here?

Man, I’m saying fuck a lot.

These fuckers are stalking me, too!

Loony and I have been trying to dislodge the MIL from my desk (why don’t you get dressed, or take a shower, or have breakfast that Viv set out for you) but she doesn’t want to move.

I might sneak out to touch up the walk.

8 thoughts on “I’m All About Fat

  1. I wanted to tell you something that will make you laugh. Last night Basil and I went to his parents house. Our niece and my SIL were visiting from ID. My niece(18yrs old) was telling a story about her grandma and how she only had had one menage a trois that night…Basil and I were both shocked at how casually she was saying what her 80yr old grandma had done. Then…our niece turned beet red when she realized Basil and I had never heard of that wine and were thinking of something completely different. 🙂
    I am glad your frog is ok.

  2. I’ll bet Loony is glad about your snowblower purchase. I know that Lynn and I are. Thanks for sharing your work this morning!

  3. Why do you think men clammer to shovel the walk or take out the garbage? I started taking out the garbage and it is the most lovely 2 minutes of my week. It is quiet. I feel the cool night air on my face. The stars are beautiful.
    Fuckthisshit, they can do laundry and vacuum and cook . . . all trapped in the house with children. I’m going out to hang in the garage.

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