Emo is My New Normal

Reader Warning: This is a bullshit, unedited, low-effort post.

I’m experiencing a creative disconnect. I woke up this morning feeling very emo but now – after enjoying the restorative powers of good food, yoga, a hot shower and not being sticky and itchy at all times – my mood is improved. But I was into it this morning, truly wallowing in the darkness of it all which was in-and-of-itself kinda nice.

Ugh. Where to start? I’ll start low and go high.

So I woke up this morning dark and early and thought that the perfect antidote to a week of gluttony and inactivity was a yoga class.

I was the first to arrive and for a few minutes it looked like I might be the only student. This led to an interesting conversation with my instructor about why we exercise, do yoga, and take time out of the day to care for our bodies.

I can tell you this much, at my age it cannot be about looks anymore. It’s a fool’s errand.

I spent a week with my mother-in-law in Mexico and watched her struggle with travel. I also watched Loony struggle with his own body and the toll that supporting her took on his back. None of this is a surprise, she’s been living with us for coming on three months and I face her challenges daily.

I am often frustrated with her limitations, with myself for being frustrated, and truly sad for her when I consider how disoriented and confused she must be … all at once. She lives in a world that she cannot see well, hear well, remember what just happened, and everyone probably seems like we are either trying not to be heard (because she can’t hear us) or we are yelling at her (so she can us). And no one believes her when she is certain she hasn’t taken her pills yet (even though she has).

Do I do yoga to help stave off the ravages of age? It’s motivating but hardly joyful.

I listened to a podcast from Invisibilia called the Problem with the Solution which explores the issues that come with caring for the chronically mentally ill. I saw many parallels between what I and the caregivers experienced.

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My takeaway was that it is easier to care for people you aren’t attached to and don’t have a history with. You can accept them with their limitations/challenges without being burdened with knowing how they once were and hopefully will be again.

It leaves me feeling stuck so I did what all people should do when in a dark mood … listen to Johnny Cash.

This song is just sooo goood.

I hurt myself today
To see if I still feel
I focus on the pain
The only thing that’s real
The needle tears a hole
The old familiar sting
Try to kill it all away
But I remember everything
What have I become
My sweetest friend
Everyone I know goes away
In the end
And you could have it all
My empire of dirt
I will let you down
I will make you hurt
I wear this crown of thorns
Upon my liar’s chair
Full of broken thoughts
I cannot repair
Beneath the stains of time
The feelings disappear
You are someone else
I am still right here
What have I become
My sweetest friend
Everyone I know goes away
In the end
And you could have it all
My empire of dirt
I will let you down
I will make you hurt
If I could start again
A million miles away
I would keep myself
I would find a way
So I did yoga, wallowed in some Johnny Cash and then pulled up my pants and went to the grocery store where I chatted with Dave, my favorite cashier, and gave a homeless women a $20 outside (it’s the smallest bill I had) and she hugged me there in the parking lot and we paused time and felt connected. Heart to heart as mother/sister Marión does and I felt connected to life again.
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Mother-Sister never pulls away

These are strange days.

I found out that someone I care for very much is a big Trump/Pence supporter. She thinks they will help Americans (she must not think that LGBT, women and immigrants, are American). I am dumbstruck.

I have been raised to keep the peace, to capitulate, to see the other side. But that feels cowardly and I don’t know how to move forward in this relationship. Everything is complicated and I want to hide from people to avoid conflict. I recede.

I got back from a trip to Mexico last night so Thanksgiving was a travel day. I’d just as soon not blow up my kitchen so I was happy to eat a take-out turkey dinner in to-go containers and collapse into bed. How was my trip?

I think I’m over all-inclusive hotels. Back when my kids were tiny and getting them to eat was a struggle, I appreciated the ease of the buffet, the proximity of the pool, and the way I could count on a certain level of comfort.

Now that my kids are bigger I don’t think the trade-off (comfort vs. authenticity) is worth it. Its time has passed and I’m ready for bigger adventures, but this was just right for my mother-in-law who will likely never take a trip like this ever again. I’ll let the pictures do the talking.

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Of course, it’s not a trip unless I find something random to amuse me. Like this interesting feature at the water park.

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Does that look like what I think it looks like?

And this ominous Pikachu in the jungle.

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I don’t have it in me to travel blog so I’ll just leave it at that. It was a lovely trip. But I really love coming home to this …

And I think my frog is pregnant. Just look at her!

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She is so fat!

I love my home. I’ve done a lot of traveling in the last year and I am happy to stay put for a while, forgo politically charged family reunions and just hang out with my dog.

I’m tired of writing. I’m not going to edit this.

3 thoughts on “Emo is My New Normal

  1. You take such great pictures. I love the ones of Lonny and his mom holding hands. I was raised with my parents being republican and my youngest sister. Can’t even imagine…… but I just don’t go there. What would be the point???? I went to an all inclusive resort in Barbados(it was free) and I was surprised how many couples were honeymooning there. It doesn’t seem real enough for a honeymoon…. I hope your boys know how lucky they are to do so many fun things at such young ages! 🙂 I hope you have nice relaxing holidays

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