It’s 1AM and I’m sitting in the dark, reeling.

I’m distraught, angry, disbelieving, suspicious, disappointed … I am all things confused and frightened. I cannot be reasoned with.

I feel deeply betrayed by America. I cannot imagine what it will look like with that monster in charge, with all branches of the government controlled by Republicans and no checks on his power.

I am angry at every person that voted for him, but I’m FURIOUS at every person that didn’t vote, voted third party, or even voted for Hillary but did so with a big show of doing it while holding their noses.

So many people refused to enthusiastically get behind her. Even though they may have ultimately voted for her, their reticence didn’t do anything to sway the undecided.

Anyone who parroted the opposition talking points – she’s corrupt, she’s establishment, she’s too old, she’s too shrill, she’s secretive, she’s cold, she’s the lesser of two evils – fuck all of you.

Now we have a demagogue as president and the thought of all the ways he will destroy America keeps me up at night. While I do not believe in god, I don’t know any other way to express my feelings except to say, May god have mercy on us all.

I am on a full media blackout. My sweet mother-in-law is so confused but I simply cannot talk about it. She has the TV on all day long, tuned in to MSNBC. I have tolerated it thinking that once the election is over, then we can go back to normal.

But what is normal now? Misogyny? Xenophobia? Racism? Isolationism? A return to anti-intellectualism? A rejection of science?

I’m ripping that fucking TV out of the wall.

Is there anything more obscene than replacing Barack and Michelle Obama and their wonderful children in the Whitehouse with that vile family? What will Hillary get for her lifetime of public service? The threat of jail time?

I will not speak his name in my house. I will not have the TV tuned into the news. I will not listen to him gloat and crow. I will not.


I have shut down my Facebook and Instagram accounts because I simply cannot listen to anyone blame Hillary for this loss. I will not. I was with her. I am with her. I will always be with her.

I cannot stand by and listen to people defend their third party vote. “Hillary won in Colorado so it’s okay that I voted for Jill Stein or Gary Johnson.” I don’t want to hear about Bernie Fucking Sanders.

That’s beside the fucking point.

It is said that we get the government we deserve. What did I do to deserve this? What did the children do? What did the working class do? What did the environment do?

I don’t know how to move forward when all I feel is deep, existential fear. What do I tell my kids? How do I manage my fury? I will try to avoid stoking the flames with media, maybe drown out the din with long-form literature … I don’t know.

I want to go into a dark hole and shut out all the noise.



16 thoughts on “Blackout

  1. This sucks. I’m so upset. I am suddenly sick. trump has won, I hate everyone.I feel your pain. Count your blessings. Lick your wounds then carry on.  Sent from my T-Mobile 4G LTE Device

    • I know that I am fortunate to live in a city where tolerance and civility are valued, that the wealth and elite status of this place will shield me from the ugliness of our country. But it is an illusion, look at the electoral map. The people have spoken and this is who America has become. What do I tell my kids? How do I assuage their fears of nuclear war and global warming? I am lost.

    • I feel like I did right after my first marriage ended. I would wake up and for a split second I would be blissfully unaware of what had just happened … then it would all come back and there was no way to turn off the torment.

  2. I haven’t read a single news article today and have focused on what people I know personally and vehemently disagree with are saying. I sacrificed my sacred time away from ankle biters and canvassed for Hillary but am left with regret that I did not say more to people who could have used a nudge. I have resolved to speak out, not to be disrespectful but definitely forgoing politeness. Thanksgiving hangs in the balance but I’m fine with that because I’ve been suffering through their bland buffet for years and I’m gonna brine the shit out of some poor bird and dip the crispy pope’s nose in brandy reduced gravy and laugh maniacally. And Viv, that weird divorce mourning feeling you got, I’m there too. It’s just another new reality and now we build something bigger and better from ithe wreckage. In time.

    • Yes, moving forward is our only option. I’m sorry you have that weird divorce feeling but I’m glad that it’s not just me. It is time to speak out and to call people out when they say ignorant shit and then to have a real conversation. It’s like rape culture, it’s time to stop nervously laughing at it or staying silent but to say, not cool bro. Dig deep into what mass deportation means, what wage inequality does, the perils of privatized healthcare, banning religious groups from a country (although I’d love to see all religions banned), the effects of racism, sexism, homophobia, and the importance of climate change science. Call bullshit on it all and if that means you don’t have as many ignorant people in your life (either because they wake up or write you off) then so be it.

  3. I’m pretty sure I Alienated a lot of family members today which is fine by me because I’m sick of that fucking bland thanksgiving and I’m going to brine a goddamned turkey to perfection and dip the crisped pope’s nose in brandy reduction gravy and laugh maniacally. Let them all sit in their poopy diapers forever.

    • “Poopy diapers” is one of my favorite Nikki quotes. I had to get off FB because I was unable to control myself. I wanted to vent and scream at everyone, probably. It a good idea. I just had to write an apology to someone for going a little crazy on her wall. These are hard times but if worrying about going postal on FB is my biggest concern (and not will I be deported) the. I guess I have it pretty good.

      • Ok, I may have been a tiny bit drunk when I wrote the above. Still, I have resolved to directly address anybody and everybody who sees fit to comment that “waaah liberals are saying mean things about how I voted” in fb or in person. It has occasionally served to open up a little understanding on both sides. Also, i has alienated some people. But I don’t give a fuck because it is too dangerous to be silent now. I actually received a lovely letter from my army ranger brother-In-law (not a DT voter) telling me his emotions and that he believes it will be a long slog we’ll come out OK. This is the best I can do right now as I don’t have a job, neighborhood or (yet) community at my kids school where I can commiserate .

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