It’s 1AM and I’m sitting in the dark, reeling.
I’m distraught, angry, disbelieving, suspicious, disappointed … I am all things confused and frightened. I cannot be reasoned with.
I feel deeply betrayed by America. I cannot imagine what it will look like with that monster in charge, with all branches of the government controlled by Republicans and no checks on his power.
I am angry at every person that voted for him, but I’m FURIOUS at every person that didn’t vote, voted third party, or even voted for Hillary but did so with a big show of doing it while holding their noses.
So many people refused to enthusiastically get behind her. Even though they may have ultimately voted for her, their reticence didn’t do anything to sway the undecided.
Anyone who parroted the opposition talking points – she’s corrupt, she’s establishment, she’s too old, she’s too shrill, she’s secretive, she’s cold, she’s the lesser of two evils – fuck all of you.
Now we have a demagogue as president and the thought of all the ways he will destroy America keeps me up at night. While I do not believe in god, I don’t know any other way to express my feelings except to say, May god have mercy on us all.
I am on a full media blackout. My sweet mother-in-law is so confused but I simply cannot talk about it. She has the TV on all day long, tuned in to MSNBC. I have tolerated it thinking that once the election is over, then we can go back to normal.
But what is normal now? Misogyny? Xenophobia? Racism? Isolationism? A return to anti-intellectualism? A rejection of science?
I’m ripping that fucking TV out of the wall.
Is there anything more obscene than replacing Barack and Michelle Obama and their wonderful children in the Whitehouse with that vile family? What will Hillary get for her lifetime of public service? The threat of jail time?
I will not speak his name in my house. I will not have the TV tuned into the news. I will not listen to him gloat and crow. I will not.
I have shut down my Facebook and Instagram accounts because I simply cannot listen to anyone blame Hillary for this loss. I will not. I was with her. I am with her. I will always be with her.
I cannot stand by and listen to people defend their third party vote. “Hillary won in Colorado so it’s okay that I voted for Jill Stein or Gary Johnson.” I don’t want to hear about Bernie Fucking Sanders.
That’s beside the fucking point.
It is said that we get the government we deserve. What did I do to deserve this? What did the children do? What did the working class do? What did the environment do?
I don’t know how to move forward when all I feel is deep, existential fear. What do I tell my kids? How do I manage my fury? I will try to avoid stoking the flames with media, maybe drown out the din with long-form literature … I don’t know.
I want to go into a dark hole and shut out all the noise.