Do I or Don’t I?

Sometimes a blog post just falls into my lap. Like literally.

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Well, not literally, but you know what I mean.

But because of the nature of it I have some qualms about whether to write about it.

Ah fuck it.

So I’m fucking around on the internet working really hard when out of the blue I get an instant message from a very casual acquaintance that I haven’t seen or heard from in quite some time.

There was no preamble, no warm-up, no, “Hey, can I trust you to keep this between the two of us?” Just this:

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So after directing him to Craigslist, I naturally had to share it with my girlfriends.

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I was pretty stoked about this because I just got on a friend’s private message line where they post icky unsolicited dick-pics (as if there is such a thing as a solicited dick-pic) for us to laugh at and I was feeling pretty lame that I didn’t have any of my own to share because I’m old.

Finally I had something to contribute!

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So yeah, thanks bro for that awesome message. It really made my day more interesting and funny.

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For those of you who might be full of moral outrage, let me point out a few things.

  1. Inquiring about something isn’t the same as actually doing it
  2. Maybe it was for “his brother”
  3. I don’t know him very well and his wife even less. In fact, I’ve only met her once. Maybe they aren’t even married anymore, I don’t know.
  4. I don’t know their marital arrangement, perhaps they have a don’t ask, don’t tell relationship. Maybe it is companionate. Who the fuck knows? Is it  really my business (except for the fact that he kinda dragged me into it)?
  5. If he is indiscreet enough to ask A BLOGGER WHO HAS THE BIGGEST MOUTH IN THE WORLD where to get a rub and tug, he’s about an hair’s width away from blowing up his marriage all by himself and doesn’t need me to get involved.
  6. And finally, AMATEUR AND COMPETITIVE POLE DANCING IS NOT SEX WORK FOR FUCK’S SAKE!!!! HAVE YOU READ MY BLOG? HAVE YOU READ ANYTHING ABOUT POLE DANCING YOU FUCKING IDIOT?!

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Seeing as how I was once the person who wanted out of a marriage but didn’t have the balls to do it the right way, I am sympathetic to the place this dude may or may not be in.

Also seeing as how I was the person who got very publicly outed by a well-meaning third party, I remember wishing that person had come to me and said, “I know what you are doing, consider yourself warned.”

Then I would have had no choice but to face the music and own up to it in-person rather than have someone else tell my poor ex which would have been better for everyone involved.

Not that it was anyone’s job to warn me or excuses me for being a damn, lying, cheating coward.

So dude, what are the lessons from this experience?

  1. Be discrete
  2. Be safe
  3. If you want to hire a professional sex worker, do not ask someone in your social circle
  4. Don’t assume that my friends are prostitutes (and fuuuck you, BTW)
  5. Don’t confide in a blogger
  6. and five

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You got off easy this time, pal.

 

6 thoughts on “Do I or Don’t I?

  1. Okay..I’ve been traveling a ton lately for work and ONCE AGAIN you keep me cracking up and getting through my stupidly stressful days. I can absolutely count on you/your blogs to brighten my day and get me to relax. Thanks for reminding me yet again to enjoy life just not take it too seriously.

    From…the woman who stalked you at CMS Back to School night…

    • Ahhh, Briiiiiiiit. It is the strangest feeling to talk to someone that I know exactly nothing about but knows EVERYTHING about me. I don’t mind at all, it adds a little zing to my day. Come find me again the next time you see me and don’t be bummed if I don’t recognize you because I am pretty sure I have face blindness. People think I’m a bitch because I appear to be ignoring them but actually I have no recollection of their face.

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