I started writing a linear, blow-by-blow recap of Pole Theater 2016 and I realized that it was just getting long and tedious, both to read and to write.
I’m going to skip the introductions of people at the event (you can read this post about last year’s Pole Theater highlights to get the 411 on the founders and the competition rules) and cut to the chase.
The most important thing to report is that I TOOK A LAP DANCE CLASS WITH STEVEN RETCHLESS!
As in, we took the class together and took turns being the lap.
I hosted Steven last year but I never got used to being in the same room with him. I was way more comfortable messaging him because I am not used to that kind of beauty, not in real life.
He would do that little wink/crinkly eye thing when he was laughing and I dissolved into a puddle on the floor.
Michelle Shimmy and Maddie Sparkle taught back-to-back workshops so Steven and I decided to take them. Michelle taught Dirty Sexy Floorwork and Maddie taught a lap dance workshop. Do you see where this is going?
I gave Nina a lap dance early on in our friendship during a class at Boulder Spirals. She was waiting for the next class and instead of practicing on an empty chair (lame) I invited her to take a seat.
I feel like we took it to the next level of getting t0 know each other that day. Not in a sexual way but in a now we are friends kind of way.
Naturally I demanded that Steven be my partner for the class.
It. Was. Amazing.
At first he was wearing a very low key outfit, long shorts and tank-top which is standard for him; he’s amazingly down-to-earth when not on stage. But given the festive occasion, I thought he might want something, um, fancier.
“Do you want to borrow my slutty top?” I offered, trying to be helpful. “No thanks,” he said, “I’m going to wear this slutty top I got last night. It’s sluttier.”
Actual quotes, y’all.
I’m not going to lie. As amazing it was to give him a lap dance, getting one from him was some serious next level shit. Like, Christmas, New Year’s, Halloween, Mardi Gras, and your 21st birthday all rolled into one.
I’m just going to post the video.(video)
Steven is a consummate performer. He gave me the bedroom eyes, made sexy little moans, and talked to me like I was a guy getting a lap dance at a seedy club.
SR: Hi. My name is Candy.
Me: What grade are you in darling?
SR: I just graduated from high school.
Me: Of course you did.
At one point we were so caught up in role playing that he forgot the next move and was like, “Oh shit!” and scrambled off my lap to do some standing splits thing.
Now I know how it must feel to do a love scene in a movie with a red hot actor. First of all, everyone is watching and all those bitches in the workshop were wishing they were me because I had my hands all up in his hair and my boobs in his face and it was incredible.
Secondly, it’s all acting, as much as I wanted to believe that he was overcome with desire for me. But you know what? I’LL TAKE IT! That’s the beauty of sensual dance, it’s about fantasy and role play. I love it.
This is his guest performance that closed out the professional division of Pole Theater. FYI, all that gorgeous hair you see … it’s only 1/3rd of his hair, the sides of his head are buzzed. CAN YOU BELIEVE HIS GODDAMNED HAIR?!?! We women have a love/hate relationship with him because his more beautiful than all of us.
Nina showed up to close the studio and watched some of the class. I was all breathless like, “Nina … I have no words … I … I …” and she was like, “I know.”
Grinding on each other for 90 solid minutes helped us break the ice. Since I was able to 100% perv out and get it out of my system, it got me to a comfortable place with him.
Now he feels more like a younger brother and all things considered it’s a much more relaxing (and appropriate) way to feel about him.
Although I’m still going to refer to him as my Dream Lover and will continue to indulge my fantasy of being a brilliant 30 year-old neurosurgeon/polo player, volunteering for Doctors Without Borders when I’m on vacation from making beaucoup bucks in my private practice, and I have a sister that will surrogate a baby for Steven, and likewise his sister would surrogate a baby for me and we’d have the perfect biological family.
I would look like this.
We would have a family of angels.
One day Steven told me and Loony about his number one fan and I was like, “Who is your number one fan? I THOUGHT I WAS YOUR NUMBER ONE FAN?!” and Loony was all, “Watch out Steven, Viv’s fishing for personal information so she can have her killed.”
Whoever you are, supposed Number One Fan, have you woken Steven Retchless up by crawling into bed with him and playing with his hair?
Loony bought a USB powered tentacle (that’s right, tentacle) and I plugged it into Steven’s computer. You can see that cute thing he does with his eyes. rowr.
Hosting the judges is something I look forward to all year. I got ready for the morning coffee pile-up by making custom mugs for them.
I was really excited to meet Márion Crampe, a legend in the pole dancing world, respected performer, artist and master instructor.
She has a reputation for being a magical creature – a pole fairy as it were – with a delightful sense of humor and a dirty mouth. She arrived first and I had a chance to have her to myself for an entire evening and morning, our connection was instantaneous.
The first thing she did was hug me – heart to heart – as is her way. She had dinner with me, Nina and her husband Justin the first night.
After just an hour I was madly in love. It’s hard to not love someone who approaches you with such an open heart. One gets the sense that she has an endless capacity for love and connection. People and relationships are more important to her than anything, at least that is my impression.
She asked me if I would take her on a hike the next morning but given that it was the first day of school, it was important that I be home in time to get the boys up and ready. And since I don’t hike in the heat, it had to be very early. So I got her up at 5AM.
It turns out that La Crampe is an early riser, perhaps the only early rising pole dancer I’ve ever met.
“Voila! You are a freak like me,” she said.
We started up Mt. Sanitas and held hands as we regarded the full moon and then watched the sun rise from the summit. I felt like I was with a sister/mother.
In fact, we had such fun that I took everyone hiking each morning in the dark to hike.
One morning I knocked on Márion’s door to wake her but she didn’t stir. So I turned on the hall light and I reached out to gently shake her. She woke with a start because all she saw was a back-lit, hooded figure reaching out for her in bed. I almost gave her a heart attack. Maybe I should not have been wearing a hoodie.
Then I went downstairs to wake up Steven and Scheissehund jumped in bed with him. I guess putting a snuggly dog under his covers wasn’t the best strategy to get him out of bed but he said in his sweet voice, “I’ve been waking up every hour wondering if it was time to get up.” I felt bad waking him up.
Amy Hazel, Shaina Cruea, Justin and Nina joined us.
Márion was lovely with the boys and saw Itchy off to his first day of school with a kiss.
She loved all the animals and took a special interest in my frogs and betta fish who were just getting to know each other. She even helped me devise a “jail” for the homicidal Bradley frog.
Animals are a huge part of my life and I think traveling pole artists find comfort in having animal to connect with even if it is sometimes kind of dangerous, like when Blue and Scheissehund decide to have their daily dogfight on top of Steven and Márion while she was doing his make up.
I can’t imagine my life without my furry and feathery companions.
Márion is very French, effusive, affectionate and direct. I enjoyed being lavished with attention from her, as well as the intimate and unguarded conversations we had. She is incredible, and I haven’t even talked about her dancing. You will have to see for yourself, check out her performances on Youtube.
Amy Hazel, also from Australia, came to perform and judge. I only knew about her Instagram account.
She’s this tiny person, soft-spoken and completely self-effacing. I spent a few days hiking and doing low-key stuff life having breakfast with her.
She was just a nice, quiet young woman with purple hair who works at a coffee shop and is getting a degree in naturopathy.
She opened the show on the professional division night and holy shit, I did not see her coming!
I guess it’s true what they say about those Aussie pole dancers. They are all spin pole, whipping hair, slamming splits, clacking heels, tiny outfits and S.E.X.Y.
And as far as my experience goes, absolute delights to get to know.
Maddie Sparkle and Michelle Shimmy arrived after being missed every single day since the last Pole Theatre. We had such a fun time last year that they came back again from Australia. They are glamazons on stage and simply the nicest gals around.
I loved hanging out with them on the floor, sharing photos and talking. They have a wonderful, sisterly feel which they extend to me. Being an only child I love that girly stuff, especially when it is around women like them. It takes every ounce of self-restraint I have to not take pictures of them all the time.
They are so comfortable with their bodies and have a great sense of humor. I heard a bunch of thumping upstairs and went to see what was going on. Maddie was practicing her routine for that night.
I think it’s the mom in me that feels driven to take pictures. I’m so used to being the one who captures every moment and like with my kids, these are moments I don’t want to ever forget.
The weather was lovely this time around and naturally there was plenty of topless sunbathing on the third floor deck. I mean, except for me. I was cowering under a wide-brimmed hat and burquini but that’s just me.
This is Michelle’s guest performance from the semi-pro division night.
And here is Maddie’s. It starts off with her performing the lapdance routine she taught earlier that day.
I’m waiting until all the competitor videos are up before I write a post on my favorite pieces. Meanwhile, I’m enjoying the first week of school and having some quiet time.