Feline Grooming Session

I don’t like calling people and pets by their given names. I prefer to refer to them by names of my own devising. Like My Parasitic Twin and her old cat.

I don’t even know what that cat’s name is because upon meeting her I immediately started calling her Greasy Cat because she’s 100 years old and has done let herself go. Her fur is super greasy and dandruffy at all times.

(I call her other cat Everest Cat because she has a black nose on a white face so it looks like her nose fell off like that dumbass that climbed Everest and froze his fucking face and fingers off. Asshole.)

Lately it has gotten especially bad and MPT (who excels at existential crisis management but freezes up at the more mundane emergencies of life) didn’t know what to do.

Me: Take her to a groomer to get shaved.

MPT: But she’s so old!

Me: What do you think is going to happen?

MPT: I’m concerned she won’t be able to handle it.

Me: I can lend you clippers and you can do it at home.

MPT: I can’t! Do it for me.

Me: If you are asking me to shave your pussy then I accept.

So this morning, despite having a zillion things to do so I can get out of town tomorrow, I conquered Mt. Sanitas like a fucking boss, took a shower and let myself into MPT’s house with clippers in hand.

“You are still in your PJs?! I’ve been up for hours!”

Not that I didn’t totally expect her to still be working on her coffee.

Long story short, I shaved the crap out of her cat’s lower back and ass. It wasn’t pretty but I’ve never shaved a cat before so what do I know? The cat is still alive. You’re welcome.

Picture 400

Not actually Greasy Cat but you get the idea

MPT: Wow. She looks pretty bad.

Me: Yeah. Her fur is seriously fucked up.

You get what you pay for.

Screen Shot 2016-06-27 at 9.48.52 PM

No picture of Greasy, she was too traumatized/pissed-off to come out

Wait. You didn’t think I was going to blog about shaving my bush, did you? I learned my lesson.

I’m leaving for a week-long trip to Grand Teton tomorrow with MPT’s family and my friends Alana and Ben and their 2 year-old daughter.

It’s a good thing that Alana and I are total bosses when it comes to meal prep because MPT got that frozen look of panic on her face when I told her we would be trading off on cooking nights.

… or she could just buy groceries and we’d do it for her.

I like planning camping trips, especially with a capable person like Alana. We enjoyed texting our every move to each other.

Screen Shot 2016-06-27 at 9.42.58 PM

Alana shot back with …

Screen Shot 2016-06-27 at 9.43.20 PM

MPT didn’t think she could handle roughing it so she decided to ON THE SPUR OF THE MOMENT rent a 31 foot trailer.


Screen Shot 2016-06-27 at 9.47.17 PM

It’s perfect. We will have a kitchen at our disposal and MPT can lounge in her PJs and drink coffee until she is emotionally prepared enough to face the outdoors. It’s a win-win.

I think she’s planning on towing that fucker all the way to Wyoming with her Audi. It’s a super nice car and all but 31 feet is hella big. Let’s just say that I won’t be putting any necessities in her car … like my family or any of the food or wine.

It might end up being a very long drive.

I’m leaving town just as round two of pole dancers show up at my house. Marlo Fisken is hosting a whole slew of pole retreats and instructor trainings and many of the participants are staying at my house.

I would be more bummed about missing out on the reindeer games except for the fact that they have only just begun. AND Nadia Sharif is staying for the whole month. You might remember her from that time she and I got into a little tequila fueled tussle.

I told her that I would be missing her this week and gave her the details on where she would be sleeping and introduced her to Bina, who will be housesitting.

Screen Shot 2016-06-27 at 1.16.13 PM

I love Nadia so much. She’s like a dirty, profane little doll that also has a degree in engineering. True fact.

Bina will be watching Blue while we are out of town because camping isn’t his jam. Scheissehund is coming because 1) he is tiny and 2) I would feel bad about burdening any dog sitter with him.


Looking jealous as fuuu…

I can’t believe it is time for us to go out of town again. It feels like I barely have time to settle back into home life and it’s time to go. I’m taking pottery again this summer despite my hectic schedule because after making a set of dishes for a friend, I decided that I need to freshen up my own collection.


New set of bowls

Since I started this post talking about pussy(cats) I figured I should take it full circle and end with this picture.

Screen Shot 2016-06-27 at 10.07.43 PM.png

I may have mentioned before that sometimes I feel like my somewhat inappropriate love of cats may have been passed down to my boys. I often feel like I’ve walked in on Itchy and That Fucking Cat. Leave it to my friends on FB to nail it.

3 thoughts on “Feline Grooming Session

  1. Pingback: Teton Part One: Batteries Included | Vivienne's Process of Elimination

  2. Pingback: Maybe the Best Blog Post Of All Time … | Vivienne's Process of Elimination

  3. Pingback: Tactical Pooper | Vivienne's Process of Elimination

Leave a Reply