In Full Swing

It was still a cool spring when I left for Alaska but when we got back a week later it was full-on summer.

Every rose in the garden was booming and everything was completely overgrown. It is Boulder at its absolutely most beautiful.

I have a way of fantasizing about living in the towns I visit and I get pretty caught up in it. I remember thinking that Juneau could be the next Boulder if it …

  1. Didn’t rain every day
  2. Wasn’t dark 9 months out of the year
  3. It didn’t take a ferry, helicopter or tiny twin-engine airplane to get to.


Lovely town

That’s my personality and I do that with people, too. I wonder what life would be like with them instead of the life I have. I think it’s okay to wonder; who wouldn’t want to have several alternate realities?

But like my crazy fantasies about the zillions of Boulder studs that swarm this town, all it takes is being home to remind me why I made my choices.


I only had to be in Boulder for a minute before I trashed my fantasies of leaving it all behind and living in Alaska.

My life here is pretty fucking great.


Someone drew this on the sidewalk by my house. It’s like my spirit animal visited in the middle of the night.

Boulder has the best social scene. It’s not the big city (duh) but this little town serves up great parties. My personal fave is the annual Boulder Block Party, a benefit for Emergency Family Assistance.


The Studio hosts the event and their entire parking lot is fenced off for an outdoor deejay’ed dance party. It goes from 6-11pm and the building conveniently shades the lot from the hot afternoon sun.

By nightfall the air is so soft and temperate that it feels like sensory deprivation tank. It’s glorious.


I happened onto it last year by accident, I couldn’t believe that there was all this free music and drinks for a mere $10 contribution. I made sure everyone knew about it this time around.

I got kind of wild-eyed and in-your-face when I talked about it because this is the best, most fun summer party and I want all my friends to come.


You haven’t gotten your ticket? WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU?!

EFAA is a beloved institution in Boulder as it provides support to families in need. All the vendors showed up to support it with shitloads of great booze.


Upslope’s tower of beer

It’s totally weird. You just walk up and they hand you booze … and then you awkwardly walk away with it feeling like you missed something … like paying …

Anyway, I try to not spam the shit out of my FB account with party pics but these days I’m hoping to alienate as many people with pictures of my oh-so-fun life.

Don’t just unfollow me, people. Unfriend me.

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The night is rather fuzzy (perhaps it was all the great drinks?) but I dutifully texted notes to myself. I’ll try to make sense of them.

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So we took a ton of pictures because I’m trying to get unfriended. Shockingly enough Tabby came to this party and brought her husband Matt with her. Naturally I made him take pictures of me and my friends looking awesome which sometimes required reshoots. He got sick of my shit almost immediately.


Is this one okay? Does this bra make me look fat? Maybe we should take another one.

Since Tabby is a foreigner he doesn’t have to deal with this bullshit on a regular basis.

Whilst mingling I came upon a very tall dude and struck up a conversation. I can’t remember faces for shit and am the first person to admit that I might have met you ten times and still act like I don’t know you and it’s because I don’t remember your face.

Screen Shot 2016-06-11 at 10.54.20 AMBut this guy was so tall that surely I would remember him. He was sure I knew his kids and was showing me pictures of them on his phone. I was like, dude, I don’t remember you. How the fuck would I remember your kids? It took me six months to figure out which one of My Parasitic Twin’s kids was which.

He was all, “My kids go to BCSIS (a school in Boulder), ” and I was all, “My kids go to Whittier,” and he was like, “What did you just say to me?” all agro like and I was like, “My kids go to Whittier?” and he was like, “Did you just say that your kids are wittier than mine?” and I was like, “No no no! MY KIDS GO TO WHITTIER. WITH AND “H”. IT’S A SCHOOL THAT YOUR KIDS DON’T GO TO.” then he said, “Well that’s better because if you think your kids are wittier than mine I might have to take you down.” It was really loud.

I swear to god he was freaking me out.

Then his girlfriend rolled up and was like, “Don’t mind him, he’s in the mood to fight.” and I was like, “Yeah, but he’s eight feet taller than me and I don’t know what kind of handicap I’d need in order to make this a fair fight. Maybe he should pick a fight with a man.”


Then there was this time when I was holding MPT’s drink while she used the port-a-potty and this bizarre conversation with a half-Samoan vet happened.

He was really upset that Ann has darker skin than him. Truth be told, I was pretty upset about it, too. I confronted her about her tan.

“That better be a spray tan.” It wasn’t. I was like, “Fine, look like Magda in There’s Something About Mary. Don’t say I didn’t warn you.”


2 words: Skin Cancer

So anyway, this dude was freaking out and then this really tall woman (apparently tall people were invited to this party) and they started comparing their tan lines and MPT and the tall one got very close and I was like …

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… which got the half-Samoan vet very excited then he and the tall one started getting all scissor-me-timbers and MPT yelled something at them about how this was inappropriate behavior and they looked at her like she was crazy and informed her that they were a couple.

Crisis averted.


I’m glad I had a note for this picture because it wouldn’t make sense.Screen Shot 2016-06-11 at 10.54.34 AM I guess MPT asked Dan to get her a beer and promptly forgot so he followed her around for 30 minutes with these beers in his hands not remembering who they were for like some kid looking for his mom in a crowd.

I swear it was hilarious. You had to be there.

As the night wore on and I got more drunk I asked some question that I can’t remember and Loony answered, “It might be the panda.”



I guess someone hired a panda to show up and dance. It’s what I love about these parties, something strange always happens.  The panda was the life of the party and I was like, “I could be the panda!Screen Shot 2016-06-11 at 10.54.28 AM

Then some chick demanded she get on the panda’s shoulders for a picture and I was like, “I could not be the panda.” and I have to say that the more attention the panda got, the less fun he looked like he was having. I mean, as far as I could tell the panda just wanted to dance.

The music was great all night, we danced and had a wonderful time. I said to Jim, “Wouldn’t it be cool if we hijacked the party. Invite 50 people, have your own theme, and pay their cover for them. It would be the cheapest party ever!”

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And he was like, “Yeah no. That would be an asshole move.” He’s right. It would be.

We rolled out around 10:45 to beat the rush and Sparky was pressuring MPT to take the party to the Bohemian Biergarten. This was not going to happen because we had another party to go to the next day and her husband is deejaying it. She absolutely could not blow her wad tonight.

I get MPT. We could have the best time and then she’ll disappear without a word for days. It’s kind of a joke between us. When we say goodbye she yells all angry, “Goodbye. For four days!”

It was such a fun night and we have another great one coming up tonight. No drinking for Loony though.

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I’m not sure why he got so sick. He didn’t act drunk and he said he didn’t feel drunk. I might have roofied him so I could get into his pants, which is the explanation he’s running with. Or he’s got a bug.


Scheissehund got into my pants later

Me? I’m fine. I even walked with Tabby this morning and managed to score a home run with this little slutbag.


Home is great. I won’t be moving to Alaska anytime soon. And whoever is responsible for the BBP, thank you! This party makes me wonder how I got so lucky to live in such a fun community.

4 thoughts on “In Full Swing

  1. About tall people. I was at a bar in Boulder and was surrounded by super tall men.(about 6″6″) My 5″11″ girlfriend was loving it. Ends up they were a volleyball team. Who knew…….

  2. You need to get a selfie stick if you’re going to commit to this selfie thing. Also, MPT ordered three beers, asked me to carry two and then vanished. She never told me who they were for. I blame her.

    We ended up at the Biergarten. The goonies were playing. No Carrs. All talk. Rudnicki ended up at our house till 3:30am and was claiming he was going to skinny dip Carr’s hot tub on his way home. No clue if he did.

    MPT scares me.

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