Ein Kleiner Scheiße Hund (aka durnk post)

Where do i start?

So Itchy (aka Scrotus) graduated from the 5th grade today (good god this is hard) and I missed only the most important thing.


We have the same straight-out-of-bed hair

They do this thing on the last day of the 5th grade. The 5th graders walk through the halls lined with all the other grades, clapping znd cheering them on. And then they exit the school where there parents (aka me) create a human tunnel with their arms and it is super emotional and wonderful.

<insert motherufckign photo that I wasn’t there to take because they started early>

I have attended every single one of these since my kids entered Whittier. I have dreamed of the day i would cheer my own kids on.

Tuesday, at the graduation, I shed nary a tear because I knew I was holding it all in for today’s ceremony. I showed up five minutes before school was let out (becuase I am super on top of it) and I even had my chicken hat because I was told that we were going to make it extra special with silly hats) and the first thing I saw was my son running around the play ground.


Gradution for which I saved my tears

Huh? Why is he running around the playground?


They got let out early.

There are no words for how upset I was. Or the other parents who missed it were, too. We looked like a bunch of stunned refugees, wandering aimlessly around the playground trying to figure out what the fuck went wrong.

I blame everyone but myself.

The next 30 minutes were comprised of me freaking out and random parents trying to make me feel better by showing me pictures of my own kid graduating which is almost as good as being there.

But not really.

My Parasitic Twin tried to make me feel better by telling me that it wasn’t that great. I appreciate the effort but I’ve been at five of these and I always cry at the beauty.

Fast forward two hours to only the best 5th grade graduation party ever.

  1. Free bar
  2. Food (to make me feel better about drinking everything)
  3. Free rolls of quarters for all kids to enjoy the old-school video game aracade
  4. My man Cory deejaying
  5. My parasitic twin had a nerovuse breakdown and I got to be the hero
  6. I got to see Itchy dance for the first time

So I got super wasted becuase that’s what everyone was doing and some genius (aka the 5th g rade team) decided what we really needed ot do was rent out a bar and have a deejay and hey, why not have it catered and have a free bar and OH MY GOD! IS THIS REAL?

So I drank a lot of drinks beucase I haven’t had much to drink and I’m not counting last night beucase I had no intention of having a drink when a neighbor with a small baby came over with a bottle of wine and SHE CLEARLY NEEDED ME so what was I going to do but not be an asshole,right?

Ya, I had sone drinks nd danced my ass off and made My Parasitic Twin promise me that if I ever got wierd on her and started not answering her calls and started acting all snooty and superior that she was going to tell me that I need to calm the fuck down and let people love me for fuck’s sake because I’m probably having some kind of depressive episode …


MPT was feeling all EMO but I assured her that I have her back

I told her that I would do the same for her and to prove that I am willing to go the extra mile I slapped her becasue sometimes you need someont to spal some sense into you and she got all Detroit and was like, “Oh no you didn’t! Where do you want it? Face or ass?” so I chose ass and bent over and she gave me a good stinger that hurt her as much as it hurt me and Whittier’s Hottest Dad slid in there lickety split and was like, “Is there a situation here?” all to my rescue.


And then everyone danced a bunch and I saw Itchy, a pretty introverted, too-cool-for-school kid, dance with his friends and I wanted to sob with joy.

Not becuasue I was sad.

On the first day of kindergarten my frien d was cxrying super hard. Like ugly, snotty, red and splotchy, out of control crxyig. I was like “Oh my god. It’s going to be okay!” and she was all, “TEARS OF JOY! TEARS OF JOY!”

Her son barely made it when he was born and he had lots of challenges. She was so happy to see him in school with other kids that she couldn’t take it. She totally lost it. For a while she didn’t know if he would even live and here he was, starting school. She was so fuckng happy to see him on his own. It was the opposite of not wanting to let go.

So I felt like cxrying (but I didn’t beucase that was TAKEN AWAY FROM ME BECAUE THEY LET THE KIDS OUT EARLY!!!) but in a tears-of-joy kind of way.

I’m good at letting go. I want to see my kids grow. Seeing Itchy dance with his friends made me feel like hey, he’s going to be fine.

So we enjoyed this ridiculously dope party THAT I HAD NOTHING TO DO WITH and then it ended at 7:00 sharp and I got ice cream with my kids and we (meaning I) samba’d home beuscuse there was a live samba troupe samba’ing their way down the mall and I truly felt like This is Not My Beautiful Life.


I got home nad Loony and I took the dogs out for a wlk and Loony for no reason called Bartley Scheißerhund (aka shitdog) and I laughd so hard and fell in love with him all agian and GUESS WHAT? The wiener has his own blog name.


Me and the Shithound

Oh, and this is my 700th post. Happy 700th post to me!


2 thoughts on “Ein Kleiner Scheiße Hund (aka durnk post)

  1. What a wonderful post. And s*r*w the f**k**g school for “rescheduling” graduation without informing the parents. (But, after all, why do they matter?). Your tears of joy are so deserved, and I’m so incredibly proud of and happy for C…and his dancing! And great photos!

    • I loved seeing all the boys clustered into one clump and the girls clustered into another. It totally reminded me of my middle school dances.

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