There are Third World Problems, there are First World Problems, and there are Boulder Mom Problems.
It takes trivial annoyances to the next level.
I write this post with a lot of trepidation. Even though cannabis is legal in Colorado, it feels weird admitting to
illicit legal drug use in such a public forum.
I have no such qualms about talking about alcohol or prescribed pharmaceuticals, but pot? This is going to take some getting used to.
But if Maureen Dowd can write about getting stoned to the bone in the New York Times, then why not me in my stupid blog?
Yesterday was rough but My Parasitic Twin got me through the day by helping me diffuse a tricky situation. She’s an ace at calming me down when I’ve worked myself into a tizzy.
Tizzy. That sounds idiotic.
I finished up a bunch of errands when I spotted one of Boulder’s dozens of cannabis dispensaries and decided to give it a shot. I mean, cannabis is the cure for everything according to people on the internet.
Cancer? Yep. Chronic pain? Alzheimers, glaucoma, asthma, herpes, cystic fibrosis, epilepsy? You betcha. It even makes EDM sound good so it has to be some kind of wizardry.
I have a prescription for Lorazapam for those rare panic attacks. I’ve never actually used up a whole 30 count prescription unless you count that time a crazy lady stole my jewelry at ate all my pills. I’m reticent to take them, though. I fear dependency and addiction.
Crazy dog lady gave me the earrings I am wearing in this picture that Nina took. I am 100% sure she stole them from someone else.
But cannabis is all natural so therefore it’s superior, right? I don’t know.
I don’t believe that cannabis is completely safe for everyone. Nothing is safe for everyone especially if you are looking for an escape. I approach it with caution.
I don’t think it’s safe for a developing brain, I believe that it can be habit forming for some (just like any other drug, legal or otherwise), I believe that we as a society don’t quite know how to handle it yet, and I believe that abuse is always possible.
And I believe it can be medicinal, pleasant, and fun and not nearly as dangerous as many other “legal” substances out there.
I rarely smoke pot unless I’m looking for a loopy experience and I don’t partake often so one hit renders me completely useless.
There are new strains targeted towards specific, medicinal needs not related to recreational use so why not give it a shot?
I walked into the dispensary, gave them my ID, went through the security door, had my ID checked again and met my, um, dispensary person.
DP: What can I do for you?
Me: I’m dealing with anxiety and would like something to help take the edge off.
DP: We have lots of strains that help with anxiety.
Me: Great. I essentially want the equivalent of a glass of wine.
DP: (all innocent but superior sounding) I don’t drink wine.
Me: (rolls eyes)
The lady next to her behind the counter said, “The Honey Lemon Chill Pills will do the trick.”
Me: Great! Here’s the thing, I get high really easily. Like, really easily. I do not want to get high. I don’t want to get stoned, I just want to mellow out. And I don’t want to eat everything in the house.”
DP: These are a 5 milligram dose. 10 milligrams is considered a full dose so these are conveniently half that amount for people who don’t want the head high. You’ll hardly feel them, you’ll just be more relaxed.
Me: So you’re sure I won’t get too high? Because I don’t want to get high. I get high really, really easily. I need to function.
DP: I think these will be perfect for you.
It was around 11 o’clock, the kids were at school and I didn’t have anywhere to be, why not give it a whirl?
I took one lozenge (that’s five milligrams) and waited to be suffused with a feeling of wellbeing and calm.
The Colorado Pot Guide says, “At the 5 mg dose, it almost works like an “organic Prozac.” It takes the edge off while still allowing you to be able to completely function throughout the course of the day.”
I wanted to feel like this cat …
But ended up feeling a lot more like this cat …
That calm feeling of well-being ended up feeling more like deep paranoia and crazy thoughts. I had the presence of mind to tell myself that before I took the Chill Pill I wasn’t concerned about a plot to destroy me and perhaps I should hold off on taking defensive measures.
Instead I ate all of this …
… and binge watched Orphan Black until this happened …
And I woke up with an epic headache and got exactly zero shit done.
In other words, I got stoned as fuck.
I called My Parasitic Twin to tell her about my ordeal and she was all, “Hahahahaha! Boulder Mom Problem!”
Only in Boulder does getting way too stoned count as the worst day ever.
In my defense my kids weren’t home, I was completely sober (and well rested) by time they got back, and I’m never doing that again.
Chill Pill my ass. As far as I can tell there is no difference between that stuff and the Steven Hawking weed.
(Dad, this is a reference to a fictional strain of cannabis from the TV show Weeds that is called Steven Hawking because you get so high that you need a wheelchair)
Jesus, I cannot imagine how I would have felt had I taken a full dose. I’ll just file that one under lessons learned and stick to behavioral ways of dealing with stress and anxiety, like hanging out with my pets.
All joking aside, I don’t think cannabis is for me as far as taking the edge off.
What makes me feel good is being productive and pot is no good for that. I know, indica versus sativa, blah, blah. It doesn’t matter, all I want to do is sit around and listen to Led Zeppelin. That’s fine if I’m with friends and it’s social, but by myself? It’s as bad, if not worse, than alcohol.
I am really enjoying learning the guitar and giving up my nightly glass(es) of wine has been a piece of cake after that first day. I’m trying out a bunch of tasty mocktails.
Mixed half and half with sparking water, kombucha is a very nice cocktail substitute. The fizzy/sour flavor of the kombucha has an almost wine-like appeal. Almost.
A friend summed up my misgivings about kombucha perfectly when she said that she doesn’t like all the “snot and sea monkeys” floating in it. Har.
All-in-all, I’m doing okay as long as I stay really busy. Bina has been around to help me with 20 years worth of spring cleaning. After a nine hour day with her, I can barely walk much less feel sorry for myself.
Working with her is a dream, it’s like hanging out with a friend instead of tackling odious tasks.
And the Poulet Rouge’s garden looks wonderful which always makes my heart sing.
I’m ready to put down the projects and enjoy the summer, starting with Nina’s Colorado Pole Championship this weekend.
I’m a proud sponsor of this event and it’s going to be a wonderful evening. Please come.