Easter is the new Halloween, only without kinky parties

Easter is tomorrow and I’m completely torn. Itchy and Scratchy are nine and ten and getting a little old for Easter Egg hunts.

They rule at sussing out hidden eggs and the event is more about finding ways to restrain them so the little kids have a chance to fill their baskets.

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Something about watching kids shoving each other aside like greedy land-grabbers depresses me.

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It’s cute when they are three and they don’t care about what’s in the egg, they are just psyched to be running around on a spring day while sporting adorable outfits.*

*The kids don’t actually care about the outfits but there has to be something in it for the moms.

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I support this Easter activity

When they are tweens and find a plastic egg, pop it open to see if anything good is inside (i.e. some Nestle product) and then toss it away because it only has a sticker in it?

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Total bummer.

I would prefer to not spend Sunday watching my kids shove their faces full of child slavery produced chocolate and sugar, and then deal with the aftermath of hyperactivity and hoarding.

But I’m kind of an asshole that way.

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I am a sanctimonious, holier-than-thou, buzzkilling, party pooping, asshole.

But it’s how I feel. I hate the greed. I hate the hypocrisy of celebrating a child’s holiday by supporting an industry that hurts children and by glorifying habits that contribute to so many profound health problems.

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I’m not one of those moms who doesn’t let her kids have sweets. I’m pretty sure my kids have more than I ever did, not that it’s a good thing. 

We have dessert from time-to-time, ice cream on a hot summer day, French toast for breakfast every now and then … but the bags of candy that are hoarded into a secret hiding spots and eaten on for weeks?

Just. No.

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I miss the days of Easter egg hunts being about looking for ACTUAL EGGS (and then eating egg salad and deviled eggs for days, yum!) and enjoying a few jelly beans and maybe a small chocolate bunny (and a hollow one, natch).

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Ultimately I suck at holidays that require artifice unless it is Halloween and I get to spend weeks making a sexy costume. For me.

I don’t do Santa Clause, I’ve never made an Easter basket, and the kids immediately figured out that the Tooth Fairy doesn’t exist. It’s just easier to hand them a fiver.

I was raised with absolutely no religion (which to some may explain a lot but to me is COMPLETELY AWESOME! Thanks mom and dad!) which makes religious holidays difficult for me to get behind.

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Being an atheist doesn’t mean I don’t have a moral center

Not because I am opposed to religious holidays per se, but because they hold no meaning for me.

For me, religious holidays are 100% about the celebration which would be fine if except it seems that in America you can’t celebrate anything without feeding your kids tons of sugar.

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I rant about this every Halloween and Easter (and Valentine’s Day, and Christmas) but why can’t holidays just be about being together? About celebrating the bonds between loved ones? Or about being grateful for the bounty of this earth by going for a walk?

Something inside me dies when I see my kid going to town on a bunch of crappy candy in the name of celebration. I try so hard to feed them well and help them develop a good relationship with food, but then comes another holiday and everything goes out the window.

Don’t be such a spoil sport. It’s a special occasion. It’s a holiday. 

I’ve got to find a good substitution for candy hunts, something that is fun enough that my kids won’t feel deprived. Maybe we’ll go see a movie because it’s too cold to go for a hike.

Meanwhile, you can’t get prettier Easter eggs than the ones my girls lay.

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7 thoughts on “Easter is the new Halloween, only without kinky parties

  1. Ugh. So true. My mother-in-law called to ask me what kind of candy to get for a little hunt she was making and I was like “uh, I don’t know, candy. He’s four, I’m pretty sure he’s not discerning in that department.” Then it dawned on me that she was asking for the baby’s candy preferences. Um, no. Nope. Just no.

    • And to be fair, I don’t think the grandparent generation fully grasps how pervasive candy and sweets are now. They probably still live in the paradigm where they are a rare treat and want to contribute. Kids can drink soda in school now. When I was a kid you couldn’t even bring water in.

      • True, she is the best mother-in-law I’ve ever had. I think I have a reputation as some kind of earth mama but really the sugar turns Ferris into Mike Myer’s hypo-glycemic kid dragging the monkey bars down the street. Thank Jesus Easter officially marks the end of the long candy hoarding season until Halloween. If they start giving out Fourth of July candy I’m moving to Canada.

  2. As far as I know, you never had a sweet (under my watch). I don’t know whether it was out of concern for your well being or my simply being cheap (with others, not with myself, of course).

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