My subconscious is having a gender identity crisis.
Last night I was so hot that I slept with the window open. Can you say global warming? That always leads to crazy dreams.
Without going into any detail (because that would be weird) I dreamt I was in a crowded public bathroom – because that’s where all my anxiety dreams take place – and the floor was nasty and I was barefoot when suddenly my anxiety dream turned into a sex dream.
The gay object of my affection was there and I won’t mention his name because I’m afraid of weirding him out with all the sex dreams I have about him but you all probably know who I’m talking about because I talk about him all the time.
Even my kids say my voice gets all weird when I talk about him.
So we were getting it on and suddenly I was faced with his, um, lady parts, which I’m pretty sure he doesn’t have in real life.
Scratch that, 100% sure.
So in my dream I’m like, Oh, wow. I’ve never been this close to one of these before (except for my own, of course) but then proceeded to, er, proceed, and then he had man parts again WHICH WERE AMAZING and I woke up in a pool of sweat and confusion.
To recap: I am a straight woman dreaming about a gay man with both female and male anatomy. Given that I’ve never had a sex dream about a woman, this is very perplexing.
That’s what you get for binge listening to podcasts about LGBTQ issues.
Do you know what I’m going to dream about tonight? Plumbing disasters. Why? Because …
- I’m caught up on bills and feeling good about my savings, and
- I just finished a big house project and am anticipating basking in a little stress-free, projectless time and,
- Loony is getting on an airplane in four hours and I don’t know how to deal with plumbing
- So naturally the time is right for a plumbing emergency.
Of course he would hear a dripping sound coming from the basement and discover that the water heater is spewing water onto the basement floor but GOOD NEWS! it is dripping down into a crack in the unfinished dirt floor and disappearing into the earth.
How long do you think that’s going to last?
The Austrian came over to look at the system and was like (in an Austrian accent), “Your water heater has a crack in it, the solar preheat isn’t working, and you will definitely need a new tank.”
Me: Can you put a bandaid on it while Loony is out of town?
The Austrian: Not really. I’ll do some research and put together a bid. It will take at least a week to get a new tank. Hopefully the water can keep leaking into the ground but let me know if you hear a loud shrieking sound or see steam coming out of the basement. And by the way, your solar preheat system isn’t working. It will be at least double to get a tank that accommodates that system, not to mention what it will cost to fix or replace it the panels and pump.
Me: That’s just perfect.
Do you hear that gushing sound? That’s the sound of my bank account getting emptied.
Then he took me down into the crawlspace and was like, This little switch (next to all the other little switches) will turn off the water heater. This little switch (next to all the other little switches) will turn off the water. You can turn this switch without turning that switch off, but if you turn that switch off without turning this switch off you will pretty much destroy everything.
Loony told me to keep an eye on the basement. What does that mean? Once a day? Twice a day? Should I sleep down there?
And I should listen for strange noises which is awesome because this house is like a million years old and makes all kinds of creepy sounds all the time.
Seriously, I bailed out after watching three episodes of the first season of American Horror Story because do I really need to watch a show about a haunted old house? Like mine?
So much for that relaxing staycation with boys. I was all psyched to cook vegetarian meals, eat dinner at 5pm when we are actually hungry, sleep with them in my bed and have one less schedule to keep track of.
At this point I’ll be lucky to have a sexually confused hermaphrodite wet-dream because I’d give it a 99.9% chance that I will be dreaming about water damage, broken pipes, and jumping off the roof in order avoid dealing with this house.
Tonight is going to be fun.