Dirty Old Lady

I’ve been racking my brain for the female equivalent for dirty old man and all I can come up with is cougar.

Well there’s a pleasant surprise. For once the female term is a shade less derogatory than the male term. You know, like the only male word for slut is stud, which has positive connotations.

Yes, cougars are older women and yes, there is an air of desperation around the term. But also implied is wealth, power, and an attempt at keeping it tight. So hey, I’ll take it. But I’ll be honest, I feel like a dirty old lady sometimes.

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AND IT’S AWESOME!

I love being able to do and say whatever the fuck I feel like.

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I ran into My Parasitic Twin on a dog walk. Here she was on her porch, drinking coffee out of her I Heart PCP mug and giving zero fucks.

For instance, Shé quasi-sexted me a picture of her uh-mazing post baby bod and of course I had to get all weird about it.

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But Shé was raised right and knows that one should humor one’s elders with pictures of her cleavage.

Who says getting old is all bad?

Then there is the case of my smoking hot yoga instructor – who I really hope doesn’t read this blog – who is back in town. AT LAST!

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Hello darling

Hold on a sec. Remember that fundraiser I threw last year that went well but I swore I would never do again because it was so fucking stressful?

Well, I’m doing it again because:

  1. people are pressuring me to do it and since I’m a people pleaser I can’t say no and
  2. the PTA is short of their fundraising goals and I’d love to help them make up the difference and
  3. Nina is handling the event planning which makes my life easier and
  4. it went so well last year that I’m not as worried about it
  5. sucking and
  6. being under attended and
  7. I need an excuse to get my yoga instructor to take his shirt off and walk around all evening.

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That’s him the elephant mask. Ladies, you are welcome. Get your tickets now.

You see, that’s what I do. I throw parties so I can populate them with gorgeous people. I’m a dirty old lady. But I pay well and for the most part I keep my hands to myself.

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Seriously, if nudity is on the table I might be able to raise a whole lot more money at this event.

Just kidding. Sorta.

Click here to find out more about the party. While it is a PTA fundraiser, this will not be like a regular fundraisers. Essentially we are going to party our asses off in the name of education.

For those of you without children, THERE WILL BE NO CHILDREN AT THIS PARTY and it is safe for you to attend. Hell, it’s safe for people with kids to attend because we need a night out without our kids more than anyone.

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That’s right, I’m the patron saint of public eduction, dirty old ladies, and smoking hot yoga instructors.

Speaking of saintliness, I haven’t had anything to drink for 23 days. After going on an all-inclusive vacation with my dad (THANKS DAD!), step-MAC and family, I thought January might be a good time to dry out. Hence my rather unexciting blog.

My Parasitic Twin has assured me that I am not an alcoholic (and she would know because she knows real alcoholics) but Itchy made a comment about me always having a drink in my hand because DUH, booze is included! and it got under my skin. I don’t want my kid thinking I’m an alcoholic.

So I’m taking a month off.

My Parasitic Twin, while supportive, is counting down the days until we can sit in her bed with a giant bowl of mashed potatoes and gravy, a bottle of wine, and a John Hughes flick.

I decided that since I’m not drinking for a month, I’ll do a bunch of other good things for myself, too. I found a really nifty app called Way of Life and it has made staying accountable so much easier.

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I threw walking the dog in there as a freebie. I always walk him every day.

I’m telling you, hitting that button and hearing that happy little chime that says I didn’t drink, spend money, did yoga, etc. is almost as good as a bump of coke.

Not that I’d know.

If you are motivated by checklists, this is a great app.

Instead of drunk posting I have been doing a lot of cooking. I’m getting all my recipes from Budget Bytes. There are some really wonderful recipes on it and because thrift is the goal, I’m likely to have all the ingredients already on hand, i.e. no runs to the store for specialty items.

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This was delish, Thai peanut chicken

I’ve also been making a lot of pottery. Sort of. I’m into folded shapes these days but I find I’ve been smashing most of my pieces while still wet because I’m not 100% happy with how they look.

It’s better to cut bait early and reuse the clay than have something that I’m not thrilled about.

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Fugly so I smooshed it.

But I like these.

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In other news, Big Dog and Little Dog are getting along better.

I hope this doesn’t mean that their dogfighting days are over. I love it when the little one shows the big one who the boss is.

Oh, and GOOD NEWS! I am trying out the Chrome web browser and that pesky WordPress issue has disappeared. I can blog again! Now I need to figure out how to install my password safe extension onto it. NINA!

Oh crap. It’s 6am already. I better walk the dog.

 

2 thoughts on “Dirty Old Lady

    • Our school is pretty great. The parents are very involved and love a good party. I must say that my life post kids is way more fun than it was before. I guess an on-fire social life if the least you can get from raising babies.

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