Parasitic Twin

I have a new friend and up to this point I have referred to her simply as “Anne” (not her real name). I used it mostly has a placeholder until something with a little more pizazz came to mind.

After hanging out with her for coming on five months, I finally have the perfect internet pseudonym for her. She will henceforth be known as My Parasitic Twin.

Oh my god. I just Googled “parasitic twin” for a nifty illustration and now I don’t think I will be able to sleep for a week.

Holy shit. Don’t do it.

So she’s not a parasitic twin in the physical sense (natch) nor is she parasitic in that she mooches off me (because she doesn’t, I had to yell at her to stop bringing me fucking flowers every time she came over) she is my parasitic twin because …

  1. Who wouldn’t want to have a parasitic twin? I mean, talk about the best party trick ever, and
  2. I’m pretty sure we are the same person, or at least share the same brain. Like, we can pivot from a conversation about the shocking change in Ministry’s sound between With Sympathy and Twitch, to a lengthy and detailed discussion about Luke and Laura’s love affair on General Hospital.

I know it’s all inconsequential stuff but it’s nice to be around someone who stimulates such deep and neglected memories from my youth.

She does stuff like this with me …

(Special thanks to Nina for once again capturing my drunken shame on video.)

That, and we both have seen Gaspar Noe films (you don’t know who that is? No one does! That’s my point!), we can’t stump each other when we play name that tune, and we have almost identical senses of humor, like this time when Scratchy was at her house after school but Itchy came straight home. I texted her to send him home and …

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Or this time when I asked her to go for a walk …

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Or that time we discussed head lice …

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I swear we are so much on the same page we could be the same person. Our interests totally align.

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And we commiserate over parenting challenges.

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It’s fun to have a totally rando friend. I like it that I can tell her my dreams in microscopic detail and she doesn’t appear to get irritated. I don’t know why I’m sharing these texts except they make me laugh.

Do you know what else makes me laugh? This ad that showed up on my phone.

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My phone must be listening in on me because I have been EXTREMELY DISSATISFIED with the quality of my cats of late. Bates has been ignoring me and I swear, if someone could breed a dog to have fur as soft as a cat’s, there would be no need for cats.


Aren’t cats the best?

Bates must have read the writing on the wall because suddenly he decided he had to suck up to me.

So that’s going on. And I’m not drinking for the month of January which means my posts are going to be bo-ring. Why? One, I’m taking a month off in solidarity with Tabby and her husband and two, Itchy called me an alcoholic when we were on vacation and it really got under my skin.

My Parasitic Twin assured me that I’m not an alcoholic but no one was ever hurt from not drinking. There is nothing like the excesses of the holidays to put one in the mood for a little austerity.





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