I try to do my part to raise money for Itchy and Scratchy’s school, this being Colorado, proudly 43rd in education spending.
Aside from almost having a nervous breakdown while throwing a fundraiser, I help out in small ways, like bidding at silent auctions.
AND POLICING THEM!
In my youth I never fully understood silent auctions.
Why are people paying $100 for something it says right there is only worth $35.
Because everyone is drunk.
With that in mind, you definitely want me at your silent auction fundraiser.
Given my recent life’s work, getting more stuff is not what I want.
Hell, I’d pay to not have a gift basket or an ugly painting I made while drunk at one of those paint and sip thingys. Not that I have anything against those thingys, but my house is way too full of my ugly, amateur pottery to pile on hideous paintings as well.
On a side note, I googled “ugly painting” and “ugly kid’s art” and “paint and sip fail” and there was NOTHING OUT THERE.
Come on internet.
So Loony and I went to the local bar where the silent auction was taking place and I decided it would be best to not wear any underwear or bra because I hate VPL and VBL and I doubted anyone was going to notice.
I slapped a name tag onto my boob and (I had to write what I liked best about the school, The Parties! naturally) and then I had a lot to drink BECAUSE I PAID $15 TO GET IN AND I WANTED MY MONEY’S WORTH!
I decided not to bid on stuff this time, just experiences because that’s what the internet says I should do.
And I set to bidding on all the cocktail parties and happy hours I could.
But I noticed this thing. The bidding would go up in increments of $5 as instructed and once it hit $70 to party your ass off with a kindergarten teacher suddenly the next person down bid $55 and people started over from there and I was all …
I like to win because it’s better than losing and I’ll be damned if I get beat by someone who bid less than me.
This did not just happen once, it happened multiple times so maybe mass confusion was at play.
Maybe people don’t know that when bidding at an auction, one must increase the bid incrementally, as stated by the auctioneer.
And maybe I wasn’t the only one who had a lot to drink.
So I did what any person concerned about public school funding would do.
I crossed that shit out and fixed their bids so they reflected the actual amount, $75, $80, $85, and $90 and then I put my name down below (for $5 more because that’s how it works) because I still want to win but UNLIKE OTHER PEOPLE I’m not cheater. Said my ex-husband never.
Nor can I fully grasp the economic impact of my actions. Then
Loony dragged me I went home.
Today I got a congratulatory email from the PTA telling me what I won.
$350 to get drinks? Oh fuuuuck.
You can’t say I don’t support education.
Ehhh. I remember that now.
I did write fuckers next to someone who lowballed the bid.
And I believe the Tahona night is for dad’s only and I crossed that shit out because it’s more fun when I’m the only woman.
Here’s the great irony, I usually am pretty self conscious at those things, especially if it’s mostly PTA women so I never get drunk.
On another note, I was at Turducken’s today shopping for cardboard tubes when I found the cutest little orange slutbag working the parking lot.
Naturally I grabbed him and tossed him in my car.
He didn’t have a collar but I could tell that he wore one recently. And he wasn’t neutered. And was slutty enough to let me score a home run in the parking lot.
I know what you are thinking and I am not keeping him.
I took him home and named him Wesley because the Humane Society didn’t open for another two hours.
He was super sweet and not at all scared of Chiquita. And he pooped in my car.
As proof that I did not steal this cat I give you exhibit A:
Farewell my sweet Wesley, perhaps we will meet in another life.