Remember back when I was on the fence about throwing a fundraiser party for Itchy and Scratchy’s school PTA? Some of my more concerned readers (all 12 of you) were like, “You sound stressed out enough, why take this on?”
Anyway, I did it and it turned out great and it made $1800 which isn’t that much money compared to the $100K the swankier private schools manage to raise at their events but the difference between those events and mine is that I want everyone to have fun and being trapped at your table with an auctioneer yelling, “Who is going to donate $1000 right now?” is not fun.
1800 dollars is more than the the zero dollars we would have made if everyone had stayed home and had no fun at all.
Before the thing is so far in the past that it isn’t worth blogging about, I thought I’d post the great pictures that Nina took for me.
Don’t get too excited, this isn’t one of those still-drunk-the-next-day-but-writing-anyway posts.
I didn’t get drunk that night, which may be the evening’s greatest tragedy because we all know how much fun I am when I drink.
Hosting a big party isn’t fun, it’s a job. I was thrilled that it went so well but I was “on” all night. I had to greet and thank everyone who came and at any given time I felt 100% responsible for my guests, my performers and the venue.
Anyway, I’ll let the pictures do the talking.
I threw the party at an event space called The Studio.
Securing a location was the trickiest part of planning this event and The Studio was perfect.
Everything else was fairly straightforward and even though it was stressful to shoulder the entire responsibility for the event, at least I didn’t have the added stress of making decisions that would lose someone else’s money … like the glitter incident a couple of years ago.
Sorry about that Jim and Jen.
Since it was a masquerade party and I hate wearing masks, I asked Tabby’s sister to paint my mask on. Dope, no?
Entertainment is the difference between a great party and a run-of-the-mill one. I hired the Boulder Circus Center to keep the energy up while Moneypenny and Kira did contortion acts.
I felt a little weird about having a scantily clad Kira in closed room performing for people because 1) I didn’t want her to be uncomfortable and 2) I want to make sure she was treated respectfully. I have the utmost respect for performers.
But then I heard that she got bored just having them watch her do contortion tricks so she got them to do stupid human tricks in return. Perfect.
Then a bunch of women started yelling at me to get some men in there and I panicked because I didn’t arrange for any male performers other than the circus crew.
Luckily I invited my parkour babies because they always know how to get the party started.
I jerked Sexy Dancer away from his date (sorry about that) and yelled in his face, ARE YOU MY SEXY DANCER? and he yelled back, I AM YOUR SEXY DANCER! and I dragged him into the Airstream where he started to sexy dance on me which, hey, I won’t say I didn’t like it but I prefer that kind of thing NOT IN FRONT OF ALL THE PLAYGROUND PARENTS and just as he did this thing where he bent me over and then grabbed my hair I realized that Loony was in the Airstream too and I was all, “HI HONEY!” and bounced the fuck out of there.
But not before I saw my sexy dancer start in on giving ALL THE LADIES lap dances.
He is my Sexy Dancer.
I didn’t get many pictures of myself and I didn’t take any photos all night. Luckily Nina sponsored the event by helping me with the event website and she took pictures.
I was too busy being responsible that I didn’t have the freedom to be sexually inappropriate (except for the Airstream incident but that shit just happens) which means that there was no force-frenching or anything to warrant a walk-of-shame at school drop off the following Monday.
At least Yellow Fever showed up with some brand new boobies.
You gotta love implants because it’s pretty much required that you openly admire them. So yes, I motorboated the shit out them because I love boobies. I really love my hot girlfriends that let me smoosh mine into theirs at parties.
It was a high point of my evening.
Here are pictures of people having a great time.
It was a great night and a big success. Losing the $7K it cost to throw this thing would have sucked but not as much as having a Sad Party where no one has any fun. It was pretty much my worst fear.
When just about everyone had cleared out and it was just me and Loony and my parkour babies and my pole twin, that’s when I finally got a chance to dance and enjoy the music. Then it was time to go.
But the night wasn’t over. We popped across the parking lot to jump into the resident foam pit and let’s just say that clothes were removed and Dry Skinny Dipping was invented.
I can’t say that it was sexy but it sure was fun in a screwball comedy kind of way. I remember giggling uncontrollably as Loony and I floated on foam cubes.
At one point I started to sink head first (it happens) and I flailed around in a panic until I managed to grab someone’s boob like a drowning swimmer grabs a helping hand.
Sorry about using your booby as a handhold, whoever you were.
Then there was awkward naked hugging as it was time to leave and I couldn’t find my dress because it was at the bottom of the foam pit.
I didn’t mind the naked drive home (nor did Loony for that matter) because after a whole night of being good and respectable – which isn’t like me – I got to be weird and random and awkward, which is much more like me.
But you know what the best part is? I could tell that a lot of people had a great time and was so appreciative. They were all, “This is the best PTA fundraiser ever! It isn’t boring!”
What’s great about my school is that the parents love to party. I would much rather pay for a fun night out rather than get saddled with cookie dough or monkey bread. Just sayin’.
There were boozy moments when people who had only sized me up on the playground came over to tell me how much fun they were having and that they really appreciated all I do for the school. Which really isn’t that much compared to others.
I kept waiting for the inevitable “I always thought you were a stripper/skank/swinger” trifecta that I imagine is around the corner;I can see it in their eyes, but it didn’t happen. I got to bask in people just being really nice to me.
I know I project an image of free spirit that can cause people to talk amongst themselves.
I could say that I am an agent provocateur but it’s more of a defense mechanism, something I hide behind because I certainly can’t keep up with the Boulder mom perfection so I go the other direction.
No one (at least at Whittier) can beat me at being freaky.
So I pole dance, flirt on Facebook, get to drunk and kiss everyone at parties and generally try to enjoy the hell out of life because why not? A traumatic divorce and an oversharing blog has helped me grow a thicker skin, and it’s wonderful!
But it’s nice to know that people see beyond my exterior and get to know and like the actual me.
I’d like to thank the people who made this party possible.
Carly Witzberg of Milk Glass Productions, my event planner extraordinaire. Thank you for helping me navigate the troubled waters of Boulder liquor licenses, accessory insurance policies, and non-responsive venues. And for assuring me over and over that people don’t buy tickets until the last second, you were right.
Nina Reed, thank you for fixing my website every time I did something and immediately fucked all the formatting up, and for taking pictures that allowed me to enjoy the party almost more afterwards than I did during the event.
Kira Ngyuen, Meri Burgess (check out her aerialist blog), the Boulder Circus Center, DJ Iowno for putting up with last second music requests and an all-over-the-place crowd, Bina Peters for her mad hooping skills, and Zach Kester for creating a magical atmosphere (he’s for hire and well worth it).
Thank you Tabby, Bethy and Matt for volunteering all night. I hope you got to be mean to people.
Financial donors are Burgess Realty Group at Colorado Landmark, Rob and Kerry Patterson, Kingsbery CPAs (Pamcake’s firm even though she was too busy doing taxes to come) and BioToys Distribution. 100% of the money you put up to sponsor this party went to the PTA.
Thank you Mary McQueen, the PTA President who encouraged me to do this party and made it her personal mission to get everyone to buy tickets. When I floated this party by her I said past PTAs they didn’t want anything to do with my racy, alcohol fueled parties. She said, “This isn’t last year’s PTA.” Respect.
And last but not least, I have to thank Loony. I can’t imagine anyone else in this world would serenely stand by as I drained our bank account to throw an ill-conceived party in hopes that everything would work out. He also put up with me being a stressed out uber-bitch for the month leading up to the event and never got mad at me.
He is so supportive, such a good sport, so much fun, and really the most incredible person. Happy ten-year anniversary babe. How about we go another ten?
Thank you all!