The World’s Shittiest Chicken Waterer Can’t Bring Me Down

I am covered in raw egg and dripping wet with chicken poop tinged water.

But I’m not mad. I’m happier than I’ve been in a really long time.

I was ready to write a profanity laden post about why I hate my heated chicken waterer – and I’ll try to work up a good head of hatred when I get to it – but it’s hard to be anything but elated.

You see, I got this text from Nina.


I say fuck you to my friends a lot

So she called and told me to imagine the best thing ever and I was like, “Is it (best thing ever)?!”

And she was like, “Yes! It is (best thing ever)!”

And I paused to think if I had a guest on the second floor and remembered they checked out yesterday and ran around the house screaming until I had to sit down because I was having a hard time breathing.


My kids were worried because that’s the second time I screamed at the top of my lungs this morning.

I can’t tell you what it is because Nina swore me to secrecy. I’ll let you know the second Nina gives me the okay but not until then because I’m afraid of her Norwegian wrath. I know I wrote a post about her yelling at someone in Norwegian but I couldn’t find it so I linked to a post which is apropos of nothing but kinda funny.

The first time I ran around the house screaming was shortly before.

As you may know, I have chickens in a collectively owned coop co-op. I’m 100% down with having chickens, I love them so much.


They double as a bra

Anyway, they are very easy to care for, especially since there are three other families sharing the daily responsibilities.

But there is one thing. My nemesis.



In the warm months the girls drink from a feeder that is easy to fill and stays clean.

The winter, however, requires we use a heated fountain, of which there are very few options.

It's cold out.

It’s cold out.

This one from Farm Innovations is pretty much the only kind out there.

I don’t know why this is the case, because if you read reviews they are pretty much universally loathed and anything would be better than them.

Screen Shot 2015-02-22 at 9.51.20 AM


There are lots of great DIY solutions out there but I’m not down for DIY. I’ve tried it. I end up spending lots of money to make something that doesn’t work.

So this morning I went out to look after the girls and ended up with water all over me. Three times. I screamed GODDAMMIT so loudly that Scratchy came running downstairs to make sure I was okay.

If you are ever forced to use this piece of shit type of waterer, this might help you.

1. It must be filled with the red base ON using the corked port. If you fill it without the base on and attempt to attach the base with the reservoir filled, you will get water all over you.
2. Transport it right side up. Yes, this means water will slosh out the bottom but if you transport it upside down, chances are that the base won’t thread properly and you will get water all over you.
3. Careful when picking the unit up by the handle. If you twist it at all, the base will loosen up and you will get water all over you.
4. Forget about bringing a bucket of water out and topping it off. It means turning the unit upside down while outside where you can’t get at eye level with the threads to see if they are engaged (even if it means kneeling in the snow like I did) and you will get water all over you.
So that happened, which is cool because I totally felt like using every towel in the house to mop up three gallons of poopy water off the floor.
Round One

Round One

Once I got the waterer re-installed in the coop, I noticed a few eggs which I put into Loony’s coat pocket because I needed to get something from the basement and needed my hands free.

What could possibly go wrong?

Sorry babe.

Sorry babe.

And the cats are “bonding” more these days. I like to hold Timpano down while TFC aggressively licks his head.

I heard that it’s a good thing when cats groom each other, it’s a bonding thing.

I dunno, it seems more aggressive than loving. Maybe they have a Elizabeth Taylor / Richard Burton kinda romance going on.

So that’s all going on. I’m going to change into some dry clothes so I can go sledding without freezing to death. And I need to get my shit together, I’m still hyperventilating.



13 thoughts on “The World’s Shittiest Chicken Waterer Can’t Bring Me Down

  1. I have a much better solution for you, and it should be available from Jax in Lafayette, or you could get it from Amazon: it is called Little Giant water heater base. They are a little pricey, but worth it, I think, because you just put your (metal) waterer on top. I have been using mine all winter and the water is never frozen.

  2. Been a while since I’ve gone through my reader, I have a lot of catching up to do!

    Sorry you were covered in shit water and raw eggs all day! ;/ It happens to the best of us.

  3. oooo – Fun news from Nina!! Can’t wait to hear what it is… That chicken waterer you posted the link to is awesome. You need a handy man to slap that thing together.

  4. Pingback: Pole Theater USA, Part 1: Fryelife | Vivienne's Process of Elimination

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