What I Need is a Cat Condo

Hey everyone (all 12 of you, HI DAD!) I’ve been spending so much time on the computer that my eyeballs hurt, but not on my blog. Obviously.

I’m still working on my short-term rental project which has (so far) only netted me one completely insane contact.

That’s insane insane, BTW.

The one thing keeping me sane is Timpano, the cat of my dreams.

I didn't not have him in a head lock.

I did not have him in a head lock

Except he likes to sharpen his claws on ALL THE WOODWORK in my house. Not the couch, not the bed, not the carpet. The wood. The 130 year-old, hand-carved wood.

Did I mention that my house is, like, all wood? Perhaps the best thing about it is all the wood.

That’s what she said.

Rocky Mountain Feline Rescue called to do a follow up on how Timpano is doing.

He’s great! He’s wonderful! I have to set my alarm 15 minutes earlier to give us time for our early morning make-out sessions!

See his eyes, he's into it.

See his eyes? He’s into it.

Seriously, Loony told us to keep it down because he wanted to get some sleep.

It’s amazing.


So I told her this and she was psyched if not a little weirded out by my quasi-sexual relationship with my cat and I mentioned the clawing thing and the lady was all, “Does he have a gigantic, carpeted, cat-condo with ropes?

I totally want this in my house

I totally want this in my house … I said never.

Uh … no?

Me: But he has scratching posts everywhere. He likes wood.

Her: Well then you have to get him a wooden post! Because you can’t declaw him. Because you can’t declaw him. YOU PROMISED YOU WOULDN’T DECLAW HIM!

I have tons of wood posts, they are called the bannisters, the door trim, the cabinets, the wainscoting. Why would he use a wooden scratching post when all he has to do is waddle 5 feet to the most convenient scratching surface?

Me: Relax lady, I would never declaw him. I’m getting him SoftPaws.

I ordered his in green to match his collar

I ordered his in green to match his collar

Her: Consider the condo!

Maybe he could try toilet paper. TFC loves toilet paper.

Maybe he could try toilet paper. TFC loves toilet paper.

SoftPaws have great reviews, my friends have been successful with them, and Timpano doesn’t mind having his nails trimmed. It’ll be fine.

I went to order and realized those little rubber tips are sized.

I figure he needs a large because he’s a large cat. Regard the sizing guide:


FFFUUuuuuuck YOOOUUUuuu!

Did they really need to put such a fine point on it?

I still ordered a large. He’s “big boned.”

Then Blue and I got attacked by a couple off-leash dogs on our walk (it happens all the time) and I was rocking my dog-walking bag-lady chic look (head-to-toe sweats, coat and sunhat)

Bag Lady

… and was that person screaming “Call your dogs! Please come get your dogs!” so loudly that Loony heard me two blocks away and neighbors came out to offer us shelter. Not so loudly apparently that the owner of said dogs didn’t break a leisurely stroll coming over to get them.

Blue was terrified. He was all the way backed up between my legs and almost sitting down (which he can’t really do) and I was worried that he was going to get bitten. Or he would bite one of her dogs and knowing my stupid luck she’d then turn on me and say I’m the asshole because my dog bit her attacking dogs. That shit happens in Boulder.

“I thought they wanted to say hi,” she said.

Say hi? SAY HI?!

What about raised hackles, charging attitude, snarling, growling and bared teeth says just saying hi?

X2 because she had two dogs

X2 because she has two dogs

Never, EVER assume that your dog can run up, off-leash to anyone’s dog.

And honestly, she should know better. I walk by her house daily and her dog has a shit fit whenever he sees Blue. That dog hates Blue’s ass.

Poor Blue. He’s like me behind the wheel; something about us brings out the assholes.

And the Army Surplus store closed which means that Pearl Street has exactly zero useful shops on it except for maybe the pharmacy.


RIP. Sorry Dad.

And this sign really confuses me. It was on the door of the grocery store.


This area is monitored by Kroger Central Alarm Control for SHRINK REDUCTION. What the hell does that mean?

And then Loony brought home this “dope” vintage appetizer caddy and I had to be the asshole who pointed out the obvious without even having to move

Left: New caddy. Right: Identical caddy that has been collecting dust on top of the fridge for years.

Left: New caddy. Right: Identical caddy that has been collecting dust on top of the fridge for years.

And I’m having really disturbing sexual dreams but unlike the Brad/Ed one a few days ago, this last batch is really disturbing. I told Heather about one because she’s the one person who would understand why I’m so sqwicked out and she just laughed her ass off.

And I was on Dan Savage’s podcast, the best part of my day. It’s the free micro episode number 430. Can you guess which one is me?

It’s been one helluva day.

22 thoughts on “What I Need is a Cat Condo

  1. I built a climbing wall for my cat to entertain her. But she would only play on it if I put treats on it. Now she just thinks I should give her treats, which has made her “big-boned.”

    And really bummed about the Army Surplus store! 🙁

      • What do you think will go in the old Army Surplus? Another store that sells $120 yoga pants? A end technical wear outlet? Boutique spice/oil/tea shop? Overpriced deli (I mean, locally sourced, organic, gluten-free blah blah blah)? Because we definitely need more of those.

  2. Our cat has a scratch post that she loves. It looks like somone (company)took driftwood and drilled it into a square carpet covered piece of wood. The driftwood piece has gotten very thin. Eventually
    I will have to go down to the beach and find a new piece of driftwood to replace it.

  3. Brian made the cat’s a castle when we first got them. It was supposed to be a nice small one for them to play on, about 3′ high with 2 levels, but he measured the center box to big and the thing is almost 7′ tall and over 3′ wide! It fits NOWHERE so I stashed it in the laundry room where their food lives. I would love to have a smaller one, but I’m afraid to ask again 😮

  4. The sign! WTF!?!?! That shit is going to bug me all damn day!
    Our cats love leather! Grrrrr!!!! Oh and you know our dog loves to eat poop, right? I was hoping I’d see you soon so I could tell you the detailed story about the time our dog ate the cat’s poop–AS HE WAS POOPING IT OUT. He likes it warm and fresh.

    • Oh my god. Were you just frozen, unable to stop it from happening? Disgusted and intrigued all at once.

      I’m glad that sign bothers you too because it’s really got me confused. What is shrinkage control? I mean, I can guess but it wouldn’t have anything to do with a King Sooper’s. It’s all so confusing. Thinking about taking Sunday class, I hate leaving just after the boys get home from school. The weekend might work better because they have playdates.

      • I threw up in my mouth a little. It must happen all the time because the cat wasn’t phased at all. Ackkkkkkkkk!!!!!!!

        I would love to have you to class! Sunday is perfect actually because we are doing just a little bit of refresher and about 30 minutes of nothing but dance. Hope to see you! XOXO

  5. Your cats head is as big as yours Viv.. you realize if you get drunk and pass out before feeding the monster it might eat you.. right? You know that right?? Oh and as to the attacking dogs, next time walk the cat 😉

    • Oh my god Cao, you crack me up! You were totally right about walking the cat, I don’t think any dogs would give me any problems with him and his big closet at the end of that leash. These days he’s taken to being mean to blue. He parks himself right in front of blues breakfast in dares him to come close.note to self, make sure the cats dish is full of food before I go on a bender. What would I do without you?

  6. Funny how life with dogs and cats together spells the end of “my house, my rules” more than kids. I’ve seen similar scenes from my pals that drew the dry heaves!
    PS: Looking forward to visiting soon! :O=

    • So true. The cat is pretty much “I don’t give a fuck what you want or don’t want.” But that’s okay, I love him so much.it has been too long since we’ve seen you, loony said that you were coming around soon. Who Ray! I can’t wait for you to meet the new fella.

      • Me, too! I’ve been eating too much these days; obviously to expand my lap in joyous anticipation of my arrival in Boulder!

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