Crazy Cat Lady Scorecard System

It’s no secret that I love cats. Actually no. I don’t love cats, I love to use cats.

That’s right, love ’em and leave ’em, that’s what I do.

Like any self-respecting lothario, I need a way to rate my conquests so I can brag about my experiences at the local watering hole – breakfast in my kitchen or on social media.

I’m pretty disgusted with Facebook. It’s all about image crafting and humble bragging so I decided that if I’m going to craft any image, it’s going to be one of a completely unhinged cat stalker.

It’s working!


My contribution to this world is the word slut being used to describe cats. You’re welcome.

Teenagers have been using baseball metaphors to describe sexual conquests for ages now.


It can get very complex.


I always thought first base was necking, second base was touching boobs and so on.

I never got much play during high school. Thanks for only dating white, Mormon girls JT.

Why isn’t there a scoring system for making it with cats? It being platonic petting, of course. I’m not that pervy.

One late afternoon I meandered into Loony’s eBay room (pre-exodus to the warehouse) with a glass of wine in hand and a big idea. I ordered Moneypenny to illustrate a cat scorecard for me.

I order her to do a lot of things, like walking barefoot across Legos with Minion on her back or stealing food from her other job for me.


I actually asked nicely but I enjoy pretending I’m on a good power trip.

She’s pretty much the busiest person on the planet these days with her pro-track aerialist training at Frequent Fliers (read about it here), full college schedule, and slaving away at Frye Industries so I couldn’t believe it when she actually made time to do it.

I’m a huge fan of her blog and am so thrilled to feature a custom illustration. Regard,



My morning meanderings around the neighborhood have taken on new purpose now that I have this in my pocket. The kids are using it too!


I think it would make a nifty bookmark. Perhaps I’ll print a run and give them to my twelve readers so y’all can brush up on your cat-harassment techniques.

What she didn’t do was sign it and I want to make sure that she gets full credit for her work, but then again given the content, she might want to distance herself from it and me.




19 thoughts on “Crazy Cat Lady Scorecard System

  1. great post ,i think its perfect to use those terms for cats , i my self call my cat a pet whore,she will jump unexpectedly in to anyones lap that comes into my house and if you don’t pet her she will put her nose under your hand and force you to pet her she is kind of a human molester , her daughter thinks my chest and neck area is bed and now that I’m prego this is not comfortable I try to block her but she forces her way on and it is a 5 min ordeal of me push her off and her climbing back on me ,they are aggressively affectionate, or total WHORES!

  2. Yes!!!! I have yet to make a home run with the cat I’m watching but she would probably totally let me. It’s the fear the home run is just a trick to claw my face once I am face deep in her belly. Oh yeah that and the fact that I probably shouldn’t rub her on my face since I am allergic and would like to not be itchy and wheezy for hours.

  3. The phrase, ‘Quit trying to escape, can’t you see I’m loving you!’ emerges frequently from my mouth as I force my love upon the cats. It is mostly because they are whores and will let me pet them all the time anyway, just not always while restrained…

      • I mean they are obviously asking for it. It’s what they get for being all furry and adorable. If they didn’t want pets they should be covered in spikes…no one ever tried to motorboat a porcupine.

        • You are preaching to the choir here. I like to think of my cat as a “standard pleasure model.” Now name that movie quote.

          I have to challenge your second assertion. Many a dog have attempted to motorboat porcupines, to tragic effect.

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