The Solution to Pollution is Dilution

Ah the holidays where everything is accompanied by the festive sound of children bickering in the background.

I employ the age-old technique of collecting as many other people’s kids as I can when I’m stuck at home with Itchy and Scratchy.

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There’s something about adding more kids to the mix that keeps the conflict from ending up in that spirit crushing cycle of DID NOT! DID TOO! that is nothing short of inevitable when dealing with siblings.

Like the assholes at BP like to say, “The solution to pollution is dilution.”

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Whatever works.

I’m holed up in the living room with Blue and engaging in my favorite form of therapy: bitching about my kids on the internet.

You know, at first I was disappointed that we ended up with a dog that, while good with my kids, is completely untrustworthy around anyone else’s. As a result I NEVER allow him near other kids when they come over. Never.

Hate Kids

The upside is that everyone is terrified of him so all I have to do is put him in the room with me and I get left alone. It’s genius.

While an all-out battle rages on in the sunroom, I am blissfully untouched in the living room with the dog.

These long holidays are challenging when you don’t have anywhere to go, therefore I have gotten creative.

Our first fun activity was shampooing the carpet.

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My lover

I’ve been scrounging around the house for furnishings for the guest room. It’s amazing what we have stashed under beds.

For instance, I found a beautiful oriental rug rolled up in the garage. It was filthy from storage so I rented a carpet cleaner to fix her up. While I was at it, why not shampoo all three floors?

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My back the next day

I tell you, there is nothing like shampooing your carpets to make you realize how disgusting carpets really are. It is intensely satisfying to dump out all that filthy water, yet disturbing too.

If it weren’t for the fact that Blue would be trapped if he didn’t have carpets to walk on, I’d probably have far less.

Blue's emotional truth

Blue’s emotional truth

We killed an hour hanging out at the Humane Society where they let us pet ALL THE CATS! Unsupervised.

You heard me. They let me run amok among their cats!

They have no idea. It’s like hiring a pedophile to work at a daycare.

My kids have no idea what an incredible Humane Society we have. The cats who are sociable hang out in “kitty condos” with all kinds of hidey-holes and furniture to hang out on.

Sadly, there as a room full of black cats. Screw the selfies people, adopt a black cat.

That was me trying to make it with studly orange kitty I ran into on a walk.

I posted that video on Facebook and started this thread.

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I’m also utilizing the power of the internet to teach me how to make a box cushion cover (for Blue’s bed) and to help me decide if this Le Creuset enameled tagine that Loony brought home is worthy of the real estate it takes up.

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Does not stack

I’m sure it cost $100 new but I am not convinced that it is in any way superior to a covered pot. Plus, how often do I make tagine? Until this point it has been exactly never.

Thoughts?

The best thing about the last few days was an early Thanksgiving that Lemony threw for her pole friends.

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Melting a whole stick of butter

First, this happened.

THANKSGIVING TWERKY! ahahahahaha!

Twerkasaurus was there and I can’t tell you how much I love her. I can’t stop touching her AND SHE LETS ME!

I can't help it, she's so pretty!

I can’t help it, she’s so pretty!

I’m going to chalk it up to my advanced age. My inhibitions as well as my sense of decency are leaving me in my dotage. She probably feels sorry for me and is all, “poor thing” when I grope her butt.

Then there was a joke gift exchange which I’ve always found tiresome. To be fair, I tend to flee from any and all organized party activities unless Marlo is at the helm and there are lots of pole dancers present.

But this? This was ridiculous.

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I thought I was really bringing it with this gag gift:

I didn't know they were supposed to be sexy

Basset Hounds

I didn’t know we were supposed to give “sexy” gifts but as it so happens, someone traded for this oversized basset hound t-shirt because her boyfriend is “really into bassets” which means maybe it is sexy?

Whatever floats your boat.

Then it was my turn to open a present.

Yep, I’m wearing an adult diaper … because … Thanksgiving.

It was such a fun evening and this fruit pizza thing that Lemony served helped me steel my resolve to cut carbs for the rest of my life.

Satan's dessert

Satan’s dessert

Loony and I had to split after the gift exchange because we can only handle leaving Boulder’s rarified air for short periods of time, but THANK YOU LEMONY for the wonderful evening.

As a parting gift I stashed a diaper full of dessert behind her couch, just because.

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PS: I have video and pictures of a lot of people on this blog and if that bothers you, you can suck it because you should know me well enough to know that I’m going to blog and post everything I see.

And I made this stuff,

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5 thoughts on “The Solution to Pollution is Dilution

  1. Such an awesome party, can’t believe I made the blog in both video and photos! I feel famous 🙂 Also, I love Lonny’s ‘attempt’ to cover you when you whipped off your shirt for the sweater!

    • I will treasure my undersized scottie dog sweater forever. 4-EVA! I had no idea you were such an accomplished pole twerker. Mad respect lady. I miss hanging out with you. You are one of the few people who is as loud and inappropriate as me. It’s like coming home.

  2. I thought about you today.. i read about an animal shelter for cats that is a cafe. When you go in, if you meet a cat you like, and the cat likes you then you can take it home. And I thought to myself “self, thank the Gods there isn’t a bar like this in Boulder” 😉 have a happy pet hair free Thanksgiving, Viv!

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