Loony never calls me.
I think it’s adorable when married couples call each other just to say hi but alas, it’s not our thing.
So when he calls I know something is up, like when he phoned from the Salvation Army.
Loony: (all breathless and trembling) Viv, Viv, Viv! I found a painting! It’s incredible! It’s awesome! It’s magnificent! It’s sooooo amazing!”
– RED FLAG! Loony bought a pair of lamps just because they were the ugliest lamps he’s ever seen. I KNOW WHERE THIS IS GOING! –
Me: (gulp) Is it “amazing” because it’s ugly?
Loony: YESSSS! And it’s MASSIVE!!!
Me: (pain radiating in my lower back) Awesome.
I love my husband. I love him sooo much. And you know what? I’m never going to be normal. I will never have a respectable house with tasteful art and matching decor because … Loony.
But I can be happily married so I gave him the green light.
I even took down the clown painting in the pole room to make space for our latest art acquisition.
Given that the pole room used to be the clown room (that’s right, wall-to-wall clown pictures), I guess turning it into the ugly dog room might be a step in – if not in the right direction – a better direction.
We have a really hideous dog portrait in there already. Later, babies.
Am I a saint?
Am I tolerant wife?
Loony believes that this thing might actually be worth money.
It was signed “Hamilton” and he’s doing research on the internets about highly collectible gag portraits where the human face is replaced by a dog head.
And it’s not even an oil-on-velvet, which would make it trashy. This is an oil-on-canvas, therefore it is classy.
He’s right about this much, it probably cost someone a fortune. Someone might have even commissioned it.
The gilt frame alone was probably almost $1000 and then someone paid to have it professionally crated up. You know, to keep it safe during shipping.
Just incase you weren’t registering the sheer enormity of this piece
Inexplicably, the kids hate it.
That’s not true, they hate it because it has human hands which bothers pretty much everyone. But Loony reckons they will be arguing over who gets to keep it when they are splitting up the estate.
The dog is terrified of it. We caught him growling and barking at it in the middle of the night.
I think we can all agree that it’s:
- Very large
- Has an expensive frame
- Really shouldn’t have human hands
- Impressively ______ (fill in the blank)
I guess we’re keeping it, for now.