Loony never calls me.
I think it’s adorable when married couples call each other just to say hi but alas, it’s not our thing.
So when he calls I know something is up, like when he phoned from the Salvation Army.
Loony: (all breathless and trembling) Viv, Viv, Viv! I found a painting! It’s incredible! It’s awesome! It’s magnificent! It’s sooooo amazing!”
– RED FLAG! Loony bought a pair of lamps just because they were the ugliest lamps he’s ever seen. I KNOW WHERE THIS IS GOING! –
Me: (gulp) Is it “amazing” because it’s ugly?
Loony: YESSSS! And it’s MASSIVE!!!
Me: (pain radiating in my lower back) Awesome.
I love my husband. I love him sooo much. And you know what? I’m never going to be normal. I will never have a respectable house with tasteful art and matching decor because … Loony.
But I can be happily married so I gave him the green light.
I even took down the clown painting in the pole room to make space for our latest art acquisition.
Sorry Bro. You’re going in the guest room at the foot of the bed.
Given that the pole room used to be the clown room (that’s right, wall-to-wall clown pictures), I guess turning it into the ugly dog room might be a step in – if not in the right direction – a better direction.
We have a really hideous dog portrait in there already. Later, babies.
Or not.
Am I a saint?
No.
Am I tolerant wife?
Yes.
Naturally it is bulldog. And naturally it is smoking a cigar.
Loony believes that this thing might actually be worth money.
It was signed “Hamilton” and he’s doing research on the internets about highly collectible gag portraits where the human face is replaced by a dog head.
And it’s not even an oil-on-velvet, which would make it trashy. This is an oil-on-canvas, therefore it is classy.
He’s right about this much, it probably cost someone a fortune. Someone might have even commissioned it.
The gilt frame alone was probably almost $1000 and then someone paid to have it professionally crated up. You know, to keep it safe during shipping.
Probably the wife, to hasten the exit.
Just incase you weren’t registering the sheer enormity of this piece of shit.
For scale. I’m 5’6 and wearing my ugliest outfit. That’s the pole in the foreground.
Inexplicably, the kids hate it.
That’s not true, they hate it because it has human hands which bothers pretty much everyone. But Loony reckons they will be arguing over who gets to keep it when they are splitting up the estate.
Testiclese and Blue, checking it out.
The dog is terrified of it. We caught him growling and barking at it in the middle of the night.
I think we can all agree that it’s:
- Very large
- Unique
- Has an expensive frame
- Creepy
- Really shouldn’t have human hands
- Impressively ______ (fill in the blank)
I guess we’re keeping it, for now.
This is really one of your funniest posts yet. That painting is hilarious. Even in comparison with the idea of a guest waking up to see that clown staring at her at the foot of her bed.
I wrote it while on muscle relaxants, which might contribute to the humor. I daresay I’ve done better, though, but that would involve a trip down the blogging rabbit hole and who has that kind of time?
The painting is hilarious. I kind of (kind of) love it. And yes, while I enjoy having guests most of the time (but not so much right now because I’m totally burnt out) having that clown mounted at the foot of the bed might keep visits mercifully short.
I’m impressed by the, what, 12′ ceilings?
But now you’ve got to name him. Something like…Beauregard.
Almost 10 foot ceilings. It’s an old Victorian: tall ceilings, tiny rooms, lots of hallways and no closets.
Loony is calling him Admiral Bowser.
Really? It will still be in the family when your estate gets split up? I wonder what else was in Admiral Bowser’s estate before he ended up at the Salvation Army. I am still laughing thinking about Lonnie’s breathless call! Our guest room houses our cabinet of curiosities complete with vampire bat, dried-up bugs and random bones. But still I think clown art is probably less welcoming.
I don’t want to be unwelcoming by any means. I like to think of it as full immersion into my existence.
“Just incase you weren’t registering the sheer enormity of this piece of shit,” ….. Priceless!
Wow…. that is, um, impressive. You are a good wife – and frankly, he really *had* to buy it. Can you imagine your husband walking away from that treasure? If he did, he wouldn’t be your guy. (And yes, the human hands are super, super creepy.)
I know. It would have definitely been “the one that got away.”
Oh! Erm, uh.. It’s quite.. um massively lovely! *cough* Hey I HAVE to give Loony the benefit of a doubt, the man sold a natty pair of cut – off shorts on Ebay for 30 bucks! He’s a fortune finder extraordinaire! Oh btw. I have a pic of some dogs playing poker that I’ll sell to you for a song 😉
We had a dogs playing poker tapestry but I have it to Cushie’s husband for his mancave. I knew I should have hung onto it!
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