Why I Love/Hate Halloween


I am deep in the throes of Halloween right now, hence the radio silence.

I have a love/hate relationship with Halloween.

LoveHate

I hate Halloween because I can’t get past the deep irony of buying candy to give to my kids one day and then essentially bribing them to give it up the next. Not to mention how Halloween has turned into a month-long event with candy everywhere.

triptych

On the other hand I love Halloween because, as Dan Savage so astutely observed, Halloween is Straight Pride Day. Not in a Isn’t being straight so much better than being gay kind of way, but in a It’s the one night that straight people can let their freak flag fly.

a02

I can show up at a party wearing barely anything, party my ass off, pole dance in front of all the other parents at my kids’ school, and it’s totally okay.

And I also love making costumes. Like, almost more than anything in this world.

Not kid’s costumes, mind you, my costumes.

I have a deep love affair with appliqué, rick-rack, petticoats, boning, corsetry, and meticulous hand work.

The thought of making something like this turns me on.

The thought of making something like this turns me on.

 

I. Love. It.

Since I don’t live in the 19th century, Halloween is the one time I can get it on to my heart’s desire.

This year we (and by we I mean Carly) is throwing the gigantic Halloween party. The location is dope but the ceilings are low which rules out pole dancing.

I set up poles for the last two years and while it was fun to have pole dancers and to pole myself, it’s a colossal pain in the ass and that doesn’t even include all the political wrangling it takes to get my performers comped, much less paid. And I can’t really drink if I want to pole.

Fuck that.

It also seriously limits what I can wear.

I can pole in this

I can pole in this

While I don’t mind being almost naked, I really felt like going all out this year with an elaborate costume. And no, this year I won’t be looking slutty. Sorry. I might even wear sensible shoes.

The theme of the party is Malice In Wonderland and I got all over Pinterest to get some ideas and I came across a slam dunk.

Screen Shot 2014-10-08 at 1.41.47 PM

Like almost everything, I look at Halloween as a competition and, like I say about karaoke, “I’m not here to make friends. I’m here to win.” Which makes everyone scratch their heads because most people think of Halloween and karaoke as a non-competitive event.

I-M-NOT-HERE-TO-MAKE-FRIENDS!

I’m almost done with it, I’m saving the headpiece for this weekend when my dad (HI DAD!) and step-mom come in town. MaryAnn and I can puzzle out how to make it. Suffice to say, it’s even more baffling than figuring out the butterfly hat and the seaweed wig I made a for previous parties.

005_halloween_075

 

Click here for how to make this hat.

IMG_8070

 

In other news, That Fucking Cat has been clamoring to get outside. She just stalks the fucking door until she gets her chance and out she goes. Like a flash! A furry, 5 pound flash of stupidity.

She came back looking like this.

1013255_306401056226585_1298501476188995778_nI don’t know what the hell she got into but $180 later, she’s back to normal. We think she was stung by something. Would it be wrong to put her back in the kennel for three months just to be sure?

 

14 thoughts on “Why I Love/Hate Halloween

  1. THE is breaking the retirement fund early this year.. i totally have a butterfly hat just like that! Virtual of course! And totally agree if my arse is karaoke-ing i am totally in it to win. ‘Course I can’t sing a lick sooooo. –.–

  2. My God, where did you get the butterfly pole costume? Did you make it yourself or is it just photoshopped on? And were looking forward to seeing the furry, 5 pound flash of stupidity in just a couple of days. LD

      • Nina, you and I think the same way. IT’S ABOUT WINNING! You and I are going to win this fucker together.

        I maintain that pasties can be classy. Slutty is more of a cheap Costume Discounters nylon costume with requisite platform go-go boots, mini skirt and push-up bra. I think yours is going to be too original to make the slutty category. Sexiest? Most daring? I mean, if you want to be slutty, I can totally help, but I refuse to help you be a cliché.

  3. I so thought your hate reasons were going to go in a totally different direction- like why I hate trout. You are stunning in the monarch picture! Meanwhile, I’ll be having a tame pregnant lady Halloween. I’m plotting a Capatain Hook costume for Ferris but the more I think about it the more I realize Hook was a total pimp- ruffly shirt, big red hat, jerry curl, suspicious mustache. Let’s hope he’s the only pimp at his preschool parade.

    • Wait? What did you think my reason was? OHHHH I think I know why you hate trout. Does this have to do with ex-husbands? I would hate trout, too. It’s the reason I hate horror movies but to be fair, I only pretended to appreciate them (like was still too strong a word) for the sake of marital bliss, such that it was.

      You should see my new costume. Maybe I’ll email a picture to you. What would it take for you to do my make-up? It’s theatrical.

  4. Like almost everyone else these days, you’re kind of rushing the season for Halloween, don’t you think? An excuse for a month of candy? More like a month-long drunk fest.

    I don’t mind you being almost naked either, but I have to say that the costume is way more interesting. I’ll be watching for updates.

    BTW, what’s up with your follower, the girl who “doesn’t like trout”? My ears perked up at that one. There’s a story there, I’m sure.

    Sorry that I’ve been kind of MIA here lately. I’ve been busy falling in love and it’s taken all my writing time. I’ll fill you in more pretty soon. Watch for updates.

    (p.s. in case I forget to say it in time: Happy Halloween Everyone!)

    • Calm down Greg! If you saw what I’m up to, you’d understand why I’m starting so early on my costume. You’ll see soon enough.

      Halloween is my version of X-mas. Some people get psyched about Christmas trees, I get psyched about making costumes. It’s never too early! And the big party is on the 25th, probably the only adult party I’ll be going to because even though my blog makes me look like a total lush, I really can’t drink that often.

      As much as I love making costumes, there is nothing I hate more than being under the gun. I’m like that about everything, I always turned in my term papers a week early when in college just to avoid feeling stressed out.

      My friend who “hates trout” hates it because her deadbeat ex (who she was married to) quit a very good job to essentially fly fish for trout every day, play poker with my ex every night, and rack up credit card debt while she worked her ass off. Hence her distaste for trout.

      I’m glad to hear you are all in love, that’s a great reason to be MIA!

  5. Pingback: Things I Need to Apologize For (and Things I Don’t) | Vivienne's Process of Elimination

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