I Couldn’t Look Dumber If I Tried

About 18 months ago I achieved escape velocity from Facebook.

It was a glorious six months. There was so much more time and so much less drama and hatred.

get-off-facebook-and-get-a-life-2But then I got back into pole and even though Lemony was nice enough to email me class updates, I kind of felt like an asshole even accepting that extra effort.

So I got back on.

frabz-Leaving-FaceBook-Youll-be-back-e97bbdBut it was going to be different this time. I wasn’t going to have any friends and I wasn’t going to post and I was only going to use it to look up class schedules.


Whatever, that totally went out the window.

But I had a super-top-secret alias, Secret Skwirl and I kept it for a long time until I realized that when Marlo Fisken or Natasha Wang or David Owen or Nadia Sharif (all pole deities, by the way) tagged me, I wanted people to know it was me and not a cartoon character.

You know, just in case they want to come to Boulder and hang out.

So I decided to go public and just use my real name.

Now, first I must explain that I use 1password to manage my log-ins and passwords. To make a long story short, I filled in my name and then activated 1password to fill in my FB password because I can’t remember that shit.

And instead it filled in my first, middle and last name as …

Screen Shot 2014-08-29 at 8.00.08 PM

I could see it happening but I was powerless to stop or reverse it. I was all …


Facebook has a policy that you can only change your name every 90 days, so I’m stuck with this retar stupid name.


For the first few weeks I got people posting this kind of shit to my wall.

Screen Shot 2014-08-25 at 8.06.51 PM

And this …

Screen Shot 2014-08-29 at 7.50.25 PM‘Yep, that’s people taking the time to screenshot my stupid homepage and posting it back on my wall. I’m so glad that I can bring joy and make people laugh.

At me.

I friend requested Kapi Huria, my latest pole crush.

Kapi is from New Zealand and no one ever heard of her until Nadia Sharif shared one of her videos. She wears ALL THE CLOTHES while doing crazy tricks, like putting on sock while busting a Pheonix, which isn’t on youtube so I can’t embed it here. Sorry.

Now she’s EVERYWHERE and I had to ask her some questions so I friended her. But I thought I should send her a private message to explain my dumb name.


Yep, she thought I was a robot. But we are friends. GOOD THING I MESSAGED HER!

I think I’ll keep my dumbass name.

Once again I deliver when it comes to amusing my friends. You’re welcome.

By the way, thanks to everyone who made me feel better yesterday; I was such an emotional wreck.

Even with just 24 hours of perspective, I can’t for the life of me understand why I was so destroyed by the cunthammer in the parking lot. Of course I know why I was upset about my mom. I still am, but I’m much more under control now.

I took Blue for a walk and we got caught in a rainstorm. Just as I was wondering how I was going to take a picture of us, I arrived at home to find My Asian Daughter on my porch.

Thanks for taking the picture and giving me those dope tights!

Thanks for taking the picture and giving me those dope tights!

She hadn’t read the post so I told her what happened and she was all, “What’s up with Boulder right now? Someone just called me a cunt.”

He what?

MAD: He cut me off so I honked. Then he stopped his car, opened the door and called me a fucking cunt.

Me: So what did you do?

MAD: I called HIM a fucking cunt! Then I egged his car.

Me: What? Where did you get the eggs?

MAD: I just went to the grocery store.

There is so much I can learn from My Asian Daughter. Maybe she could just ride along with me and put mean people in their places, like Luther here …
She and Moneypenny comforted me by getting me to take my pants of and GET ON THE POLE!

This slideshow requires JavaScript.

Then Lemony texted me a picture of her boobs to hold me over until she could come over the next day.

Lemony’s actual boobies.

I was in much better shape when she showed up today but we did smoosh boobies just to be safe. And she brought double orgasm cookies.
Shé came over to eat pizza and drink wine and commiserate over what difficult relationships we have with our moms. And yes, I touched her boobs.
She informed me that they are double D’s. Who knew?
And of course, there are my lovely readers who left such sweet and supportive messages for me. My favorite Second Life GF even strapped on a virtual Wonderbra just for me.
Thanks ladies, you are so wonderful.
So today I am not a sniveling, snotty mass of tears. The weekend beckons, Loony gets back from his trip to Arizona and I managed to almost have a nervous breakdown and I didn’t even get to go on one fucking date. But more about that later.




7 thoughts on “I Couldn’t Look Dumber If I Tried

  1. I’m so flattered! Because I wasn’t kidding when I said those were not my boobs. They are Selma Hayek’s boobs. Compliments just don’t get any better than that. Thanks for thinking they were mine. 🙂

    And I love you! Lots!

  2. ummm Viv? Have you talked to Kapi lately? Because I’ll be honest with you, when I get IM’s that start out “I just “discovered” you, where have you been all my life?” (yeah it happens quite a bit) I usually lose that friend really fast because I’d reckon, 9 times out of 10 it ends with a marriage proposal.. Just sayin.. 😉 oh and curiosity question and you may know the answer seein’ as you’ve, you know, experienced EVERYTHING.. That one time when I finally tell one of them “yes, yes I WILL marry you!” What do you suppose a pixelated Barbie wears to a RL wedding? 😀

Leave a Reply